Desserts, sweets, puddin's

 

Desserts, Sweets, Puddin’ an’ bread.

Jam Roly Poly

Ingredienz.

Imperial (English)                                                Metric (foreign)

Foa ounzes of self raisin’ flowa                             100grms of self raising flour

Two ounzes of Bob’s shredded beef suet               50grmsof shredded beef suet

Two to free tablespoonz of wautta                          2 or 3 15ml spoons of water

Foa the jam

One paand of strawbs                                             500grms of strawberries

‘arf a pint of wautta                                                250mls of water

One stick of cinnamon                                            1 stick of cinnamon

The zest an’ juice of yoa ‘ome grown lemon          the zest and juice from a lemon

One tablespoon of Cassis                                        1x15ml spoon of Cassis

Two to free tablespoonz of braan shugga               1or 2x15ml spoons of Demerara

Foa the custard

Two eggs from yoa own farm                                 2 free range eggs

One ounz of caasta shugga                                      25grms of caster sugar

Arf a pint of milk                                                     250mls of milk

One vanilla pod                                                        1 vanilla pod

This is the dog’s when it comes to a warming winta pud. It’s a piece of piss to make but it can take a lotta time becawse of the steamin’. I awlways usis proppa suet from

Bob an’ mi own ‘omemade jam. This dish is best served wiv ‘ot oa cold custard, again ‘omemade.

Siv foa ounzes of self raisin’ flowa an’ a pinch of sawlt into a mixin’ bowl, add two ounzes of Bob’s shredded beef suet. Stir in two to free tablespoonz of ‘ot water an’ mix into a dough. Lift from the bowl an ‘knead on a flowered boad until awl the ingredienz is smoove. Roll awt  an ‘oblong abawt a quawta of an inch fick.

‘omemade jam.

It aint rocket science to make yoa own jam so don’t freek like a tart. Onli use seasonal fruits, often bruised  an’ soft ones can produce top resultz. Slowli an’ gentli reduce daan the selected fruit (strawbs foa examlpul) wiv foa table spoonz of liquor. This you shouldda prepared earlier an’ consists of arf a pint of wautta, a cinnamon stick, zest an’ juice of a lemon, from yoa own tree, a tablespoon of cassis an’ two laarge tablespoonz of Demerara shugga.  As the consistency of the mixture becomes fick add moa shugga. Whilst the jam is still ‘ot poa into a kilner jar an’ allow to cool. It’s that easy, even a norvern bird could make it. 

  

Proppa custard.

Beat up two eggs wiv one ounze of caasta shugga. Ova a ‘Ban Marie’ carefully an’ slowly add arf a pint of warm milk that ‘as been previously infused wiv a vanilla pod, stirrin’ awl the time until the shugga ‘as dissolved. When creamy an’ smoove covva wiv cling film an’ place in the fridge until you needs to serve. You can ‘ave it ‘ot oa cold.

Returning to the recipe, you can now spread foa ounzes of ‘omemade jam ova the dough an’ roll up sealin’ the edges wiv a wittle wautta. Wrap loosely in greaseproof or buttered tin foil placin’ on the top of a steama filled wiv boiling’ wautta. The puddin’ needs cook foa one an’ a arf hours, but keep checkin’ that pan doesn’t boil dry oa else you’ll be in the shit.

Just befoa you serves the puddin’ gentli ‘eat the remainin’ foa spoonz of jam an’ poa ova, lettin’ it drip awl daan the side suggestively. This puddin’ will definitely get yoa birds silicones awt slappin’ an’ bappin’ in yoa boat race. 

Curry

Curry sauce, basic, but as you no I does nofink basic.

Ingredienz

Imperial (Colonial)                                              Metric (Indian)

Free tablespoonz of vege oil                                  3x15ml 0f vegetable oil

One large onion, choppt                                         one large onion

One stick of celri                                                    one stick of celery

A fum of ginja                                                        a thumb size piece of ginger

Foa wittle cloves of garlic                                      four small cloves of garlic 

A pinch of sawlt, chilli powda an’ black peppa     salt, chilli powder and pepper

Two teaspoonz of turmeric                                    2x15ml of turmeric

Two teraspoonz of cumin                                      2x 15ml of cumin

Two teaspoonz of fenugreek                                 2x15ml of fenugreek

A lump of nutmeg, grownd                                   a dash of ground nutmeg

Foa choppt bonnet chillis                                      four red bonnet chillies

Arf a pint of wautta                                               300ml of water

Ten ounzes of cookt daal                                      300grms of cooked daal       

It’s important to get anyfink fresh that you can gets yoa ‘ands on foa the sawse: that’s why I always nips ova to mi mate in Tieland oa India foa the best stuff. I normally makes up enough sawse so that I can freeze some in batches foa layta. So, that means from the basic sawse you can make it mylda oa ‘otter if you wants.

In a big pan add free tablespoonz of vegetable oil. Chop one laarge onion, some celery, one fum of ginja, foa wittle cloves of garlic an’ gentle sweat in the pan. Mix in pinches of sawlt an’ chilli powda; grind in some peppa.

Now you gotta roast an’ mix your spices. All of these measurements can be two teaspoonz: turmeric seeds, cumin seeds, fenugreek an’ nutmeg. Dependant on ‘ow ‘ot you wants it you can add choppt red chillies. Because mi an’ mi bird likes it really ‘ot  I uses them bonnet fings. Add all of these to yoa uvva ingredientz wiv arf a pint of wautta. Simma foa fifteen minits and then blend the lot. To make yoa sawse fick poa in ten ounzes of cooked daal. 

That’s your basic sawse. If yoa bird don’t like it ‘ot then poa in some yogurt oa coconut milk. This is good foa yoa chickin oa fish. To make it ‘otter foa mental people add moa chillis. An’ then shag yoa bird on the rug in front of the fire.

Annuvva Starta

 

Endives au jambon a la crème

This is a real hearty first course. Served in wintta when the chicory is plentiful it’s a winna. I cannot emphasise enuff usin’ seasonal froot an’vege. The frogs do it awl of the time supportin’ the local economies, eatin’ fresh from the graand straight to the table.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric ( proppa gallic)

Eight to ten ‘eads of chicory                         1 kilo of chicory or 8/10 heads

One an’ arf ounzes of butta                           50grms of butter

One teespoon of shugga                                1x5ml of sugar

Sawlt an’ peppa                                             salt and milled black pepper to taste

Eight to ten slices of cookt Paris‘am             500grms of sliced Paris ham

Foa the béchamel sawse

One an’ arf pintz of milk                                900ml of milk

One slice of onion                                           a slice of onion

One bay leaf                                                    a bay leaf

Eight peppacawnz                                          8 peppercorns

Too an’ arf ounzes of butta                            70grms of butter

One an’ quawtta ounzes of flowa                   40grms of flour

A pinch of gratid nutmeg                                a pinch of grated nutmeg

Too ounzes of grated parmesan cheese          60grms of grated Gran Padano cheese

Preheat the oven to 180 oa gas mk foa. Trim the chicory an’ discard any outside leaves that might be wiltin’. The stem can be hollowed out wiv a sharp knife oa potata peela so that the bulb cooks moa evenly. Arrange the chicory in a large buttered baking tray an ‘sprinkul wiv shugga, sawlt an’ peppa. Place in the oven foa an ‘our.

Foa the ‘bechamel sawse’: scald the milk by bringin’ it to the boil in a sawsepan. Add the onion, bay leaf an’ peppacawns an’ simma on a low ‘eat foa five to ten minits so that all the flavvas become infused into the milk. Meanwhile to make the roux: select a fairly heavy sawsepan an’ melt the butta, whisk in the flowa an’ cook on a genkul ‘eat foa too to free minits, but don’t let it turn braan becawse that’s when it becomes burnt an’ you ‘ave to frow it away an’ start again: norvern birds do it awl the time becawse they is fick an’ unsophisticated. Strain the ‘ot milk an’ add slowly whiskin’ awl the time, avoidin’ any lumps, until it ‘as been absorbed by the roux. Simma foa free minits addin’ sawlt, peppa an’ nutmeg foa taste. This is a basic sawse that can be the catalyst foa many other ones, such as, by addin’ cheese it becomes ideal foa cawliflowa, it can be the beginnin’ of a carbonara, marinara, lasagne oa cannelloni, oa just used in fish oa chickin pie. The adaptations are endless so it worf perseverin’ wiv it an’ getting’ it right.

When the chicory ‘as cooled roll each piece in the Parisienne‘am an’ arrange diagonally in a shallow, buttered ovenproof dish. Spoon the sawse ovva the vegetables an’ sprinkul liberally wiv the parmegiano. Awl of this can be prepared at least one day befoa an’ kept in the fridge.

To finish: bake in a 200 degree gas mk six oven foa twenty to twenty five minits until the top is nicely braaned.

I enjoys makin’ this when it’s part of a laarga dinna party becawse it can be made earlier an’ leaves you moa time to work on the main course, drink moa wine, but moa importantly it gives you moa time at the table wiv yoa guests, which a proppa ‘ost should awlways endeavour to do. Mind you, if they are borin’ norvern ‘erberts wiv the conversation of ‘Rocky foa’ then you are betta off in the kitchen.  

Style an' groomin'.

              
The World of Nick, my view on style an’ groomin’

I'm abawt 6 foot wiv an' inside leg of 35 inches so I've awlways gotta ‘ave awl mi suits made to measure. I as ‘em ‘and made in Saville Row in Landan an’ at Nicholas Jones in Manchestta. The geeza in the norf as made mi several suits, mostly pinstripes wiv green an’ gold stripes an’ a dinna suit wiv a white silk linin’. The smutta is great quality, it’s bob on, but the trubble is that loads of Man ‘u’ players use the same tailor which is a bit ovva bawl ache. When I gets a few days off from work I usually nips ovva to Noo York an fills a couple of cases wiv Prada, Louis Vuitton an’ Gucci. The single most expensive item in mi wardrobe is a Dolce an’ Gabbana  suede jacket which cost too grand, a fackin’ fawtune, awlmost 2 days pay. Mi favrit shirt is by Vivienne Westwood; she’s a bit ovva boot nowadays but she can still design top clobba.

I shop foa shoos like a girl. I’ve got the largest collection, worf an’ absolute fortune. I’ve just bawht a wicked pair of Guccis an’ some Jimmy Choo foa when I cross dress. Wot can I say? I’m a shoo man.      

When I want to be casual I normally wears jeans an’ a tee shirt. Daan at mi local Addidas store they lets me rummage froo the vintage bin so that I can come away wiv old footbawl strips, especially them sixties West 'am kits: com’ on you ‘ammers’. Awl that old gear is the best, big baggy tracksuits wiv hoods, the free stripes on the arm, really smoall cotton shorts that show yoa bawls an’ proppa levva boots. One time I bawht  a couple of Christian Audigier’s Ed Hardy tee shirts. It was mi bird who made mi buy ‘em but the’re a bit glittery so I left ‘em in the wardrobe wiv the tags still on.

I likes a lot of jewelry. My 25 carat gold Gucci necklace kept turnin’ mi neck green an’bangin’ mi bird in the gob when we were at it so I‘ve ‘ad to get rid an’ replaced it wiv diamond encrusted choaka. I’ve got moa rings than Jupiter: when I go to India I especially buy Sapphires an’ emeralds; the’re not as common as diamonds so you don’t look as if you’ve bawht ‘em from Ratners. I’ve got a Tag Heuer Carrera foa everi day wear but awlso I’ve got a Franck Muller, an’ Omega Astronaut, Christian Dior Juins Les Pins an’ a big fuck off platinum Rolex. I loves mi watches.

A car is the ultimate accessory foa a man. You can tell the type of bloke by the car he drives. Awl them footballers ‘ave got them baby Bentleys, old city types use Rollas, reps ave got to ‘ave Mondeos an’ fackin’ Vectras, successful drug dealers ‘ave blacked out Hummers, but skanky street dealers ‘ave convertible 3 series BMs. My day car is 300SL Merc estate which enables me to accommodate of mi on goin’ swag but at weekends I drives my Pagani Zonda. That’s claas.

But, these are the best tips. I awlways buys two of everifing. To awlways look pristine you must ‘ave a back up garment in yoa wardrobe. If you wants to pull a bird nevva put on somefink that you ‘ave worn before. The girl will fink that you are cheap scrubba if you don’t pitch up in a new outfit. There’s noffink worse than smellin’ like a wet ‘orse so use a proppa deodorant, moisturiser an’ make sure yoa barfroom cabinet is full of genuine arftashaves; Paco Rabanne, Hugo Boss, Burberry an’ Nob by Beckham.  

A unique dessert

Again this is just a tempta foa the future. Mi books full of proppa desserts. 

Port Wine Jelly

A long, long time ago I used to run a pub, back in the days when even an idiot could make loads of money. Obviously, I made a fortune but it wasn’t only on the fine grub that I used to serve up; I was very clevva at buyin’ particular wines that at the time ‘ad not been discovered in the trade. I became particularly clevva at buyin’ Vintage Ports. I was given the nod from a spirits salesman one Christmas who told me that within a few years certain ports would become very collectable. Back in the early eighties I was able to buy top marques foa foa paands fifty a bokkle. So ova a period of too years I collectid case arfta case of Quinta do Noval, Dows, Cockburns an’ Taylors. So many of them were 1970 vintage, which was the best year foa decades. I just sat on ‘em foa twenty years an’ then unloadid them to an unsuspectin’ wine trade. I made a killin’ wiv individual bokkles goin’ foa too hundrid paand.

So much so, I wantid to celebrate this occasion so I inventid a top sweet araand it. You awlways remember as a kid ‘avin’ jelly an’ ice creem as a treeet. I can still remember getting’ a frill outta watchin’ the jelly wobble awl ova the place when aunt Edif brought it to the table. Mind you, that wasn’t the only fing that was shakin’ about, she ‘ad an enormous pair that she would flap about in yoa face at evri opportunity. This is my version of a grown up jelly an’ I cawls it Port Wine Wobble.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300ml of water

Too an’ free quawtta ounzes of shugga         75grms of sugar

One an’ arf sachets of gelatine                       1.5 sachets of gelatine

Arf a pint of port, non vintage                        300ml of late bottled port

Foa tablespoonz of Brandy                             60ml of brandy

Foa tablespoonz of orange juice                     60ml of freshly squeezed orange

Bring the wautta to boil in a fair sized sawsepan. Remove it from the ‘eat an’ add the shugga until it has dissolved. Allow it to cool, sprinkul on the gelatine an’ stir until it ‘as meltid. Add the port, brandy and freshly squeezed orange juice. Poa into tit shaped moulds an’ chill until it sets. Serve wiv mi ‘omemade glace de citron an’ whip ‘er knickers orf. Enjoy.

First Main

This is noffink to do wiv the starta, so don't fink they go togevva. It's up to you how you combine mi recipees. Ownli a norvern erbert would fink that a Rochefort soop would go wiv this.`

Chinese poawk sowd, oa ‘Wot you Won’ sweet an’ sour.

Ingredienz

Imperial (British)                                               Metric (Chinese)

One tablespoon of vegetable oil                          1x15ml of vegetable oil

Ten fin slices of garlic                                         10 slices of garlic, cut thin

Two teaspoonz of soya sawse                              2x15ml of light soya sauce

Grated fum of ginja                                              one thumb of ginger, grated

A pinch of chilli powda                                        a pinch of chilli powder

Five shoots of choppt lemon graas                       five fresh shoots of lemon grass 

Milled black peppa foa taste                                 milled black pepper to taste

Free tablespoonz of shugga, braan                       4x15ml of brown sugar

Foa ounzes of rice vinegar                                   100grms of rice vinegar

Six large toms                                                       six large tomatoes

A squirt of tomata puree                                       1x5ml 0f tomato puree

A teaspoon of strong mustard                               1x5ml of English mustard

Two ounzes of butta                                              50grms of butter

Two paand of tenda loin                                        one kilo of tender loin pork

Foa the batta

Arf a pint of milk                                                 300ml of milk

One tablespoon of braan vinegar                         1x15ml of malt vinegar

One teaspoon of soya sawse                                1x5ml of soya sauce

One tablespoon of Tempura flowa                       1x15ml of tempura flour

                                 

When I’ve got mi bird comin’ rawnd foa the night I awlways knocks up mi favorit Chinese. Its made up of two parts, the sawse an’ the crunchy battered poawk bawls.

To make the sawse you needs fresh from Jimmi Chink. He owes mi an’ ‘ees a mate so I insists on the best. First, sweat yoa diced onion in a wok wiv a tablespoon of vegetable oil, 10 fin slices of garlic, 2 teaspoonz of light soya sawse, a grated fum of ginja, a pinch of chilli pawda, 5 shoots of cut lemon graas, an’ some milled black peppa. To create the caramel treecul bung in free tablespoonz of braan shugga an’ then poa in foa ounzes of proppa rice vinega. Peel, de-seed an’ dice six laarge toms an wiv a squirt of tomata puree, a teaspoon of strong mustard add to the mix an’ simma foa fifteen minits.

Meanwhile dice 2 paand of tenda loin, obtained, obviously, from ‘Jonnty the Pig’ an’ seer in anuvva pan: put at one side.

Mix yoa batta wiv arf a pint of milk, a tablespoon of braan vinega, a teaspoon of soya sawse an’a tablespoon of tempura flowa, until its like fick cream. Let it rest foa firty minits. Coat the chunks of poawk in the batta an’ deep fry in anuvva wok.

Taste the sawse an’ add moa shugga oa vinegar as you wants. Finally stir in 2 ounzes of butta to glaze. Nevva put in corn flowa, like most toassas do, becawse it looks sinfetic an’ shitti. Serve the bawls an’ the sawse seperatly wiv proppa rice an’ uvva dips that you can get out of a jar, if you are a lazee bastard.

Birds can’t get enuff of this stuff becawse, if you gives ‘em chop sticks they fink they are eatin’ loads, but they’re not: so when you makes love afterwoods they don’t feel bloated when yoa bangin’ abawt on top. Nah, that’s a right result.

First starta

Foa the next free 'blogs' I fawt I'd offa a starta, one main an one dessert, just to giv you a sampul of mi recipees. There are many moa to come so stay tuned!!! I bet you can't wait just like a lot of mi birds.

Salad de choux rouges aux lardons et aux Roquefort

This is a classic French summer salad very popular in the south. Particularly in Provence they can source awl the freshest vege, mainly becawse it grows naturally down there due to the long springs an’ summers. This dish can be moa than a starta especially durin’ the long boilin’ ‘ot days when anyfink cookt seems somewhat inappropriate. I was once stayin’ wiv a mate of mine in his nooly renovated ‘Mas’ durin’ the summer of the ‘canacule’. It was fackin’ boilin’ but this daft norvern bird who was awlso stayin’ insisted on usin’ the oven evri night makin’ meals from sausages, fish cakes, burgers an’ smily fackin’ chips. The kitchen remained at 100 degrees evri bleedin’ night. Since then I nevva eat anyfink ‘ot in July oa August. That fick norvern bint ‘as put mi off foa life. So that’s anuvva bloody good reason foa recomendin’ this dish.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

A smoall ‘ead of red cabbige                          A small head of red cabbage

Foa tablespoonz of vinigga                             60mls of vinegar

Eight ounzes of uncooked bacon, diced         250gms of uncooked bacon diced

One tablespoon of oil                                      15ml of virgin olive oil

Sixteen to twenty lettice leaves                       16 to 20 lettuce leaves

Free ounzes of Roquefort cheese                     90grms of Roquefort cheese

Foa the croutes

One long French bread stick                            1 baguette

Foa to six tablespoonz of oil foa fryin’            60ml of oil for frying

Foa the vinaigrette dressin’

One tablespoon of Dijon mustard                     1x15ml of Dijon mustard

Free tablespoonz of vinigga                              3x 15ml of vinegar

One bruised clove of garlic                               1 bruised clove of garlic

Sawlt an’ freshly grand peppa                           Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Quawtta the cabbige, remove the core an’ finely shred the leaves in long strips. Place them in a bowl. Bring the foa tablespoonz of vinigga to boil an’ poa ovva the shredded leaves. They will turn bright red awlmost immediately, stoa them in the fridge, they will stay crisp foa at least one ‘our.

Blanch the diced bacon by puttin’ it I a pan of wautta an’ bring it to the boil. Drain the wautta away and refresh wiv cold wautta. In a fryin’ pan ‘eat the oil and add the bacon until its sauted an’ crisp. Place the bits on kitchen roll to absorb any of the extra oil.

Foa the croutes, ‘eat foa to six tablespoonz of oil in the fryin’ pan that you have just used foa the bacon an’ fry slices of the baguette on bowf sides until they is goldin braan. Place them on some paper to absorb the extra oil: you needs about twenty foa slices.

To make the dressin’ whisk the mustard, vinigga, sawlt an’ peppa an’ garlic. Gradually add the oil until the mixture emulsifies. Season to taste.

Just befoa serving’, mix the vinigraite in the cabbige to moisten an’ flavva. To serve: arrange the washed an’ dried lettice leaves on six large plates an’ pile the cabbige in a mound on top. Place the croutes on the lettice leaves at regular intervals. Sprinkul the bacon on the cabbige an’ laastly scrape on the Roquefort cheese with a fawk so that each portion ‘as white an’ green parts of the cheese. Serve straight away to appreciate awl of the flavvas.