JD Salinger

Books at bedtime. I awlways keep loads of mags at the side of the bed for evri eventuality. I’m not really one foa books unless they’ve got loads of photos or diagrams inside. I must say that I have a huge selection of German stuff that I’ve collected ovva the years. It usually does the trick. As a yoof I remember reedin’ “Catcher in the Rye” by JD Salinger, but I didn’t understand a fackin’ word an’ I fort that awl that swearin’ was unnecessary, especially that phrase ‘sunuvabitch’; wots awl that abawt. I did, nevvatheless, enjoy “Metamorphosis” by Kafka. The bit where the bloke turned into a giant insect was dead cool.

Evening routine. When I’m at ‘ome, arfta I’ve finished a twelve ‘our shift, driven back from Landan at one hundrid an’ firty miles an ’our, knocked up a fifteen minit Ruby, rolled an’ smoked a six inch spliff, necked a bokkle of Gevry an’ a huge glaas of Remy VSOP I would relax in spa barf wiv mi bird, then I would sensitively slip her a lenff froo the bubbles. I would grab a few ‘ours kip an’ set off foa Landan at free o’clock in the mornin’ to miss awl of the traffic an’ be on the job at foa firty.

South American Bouillabaisse

El Biche (Ecuadorian Bouillabaisse)

Evri country froo out the world makes a bouillabaisse except those that don’t ‘ave access to fresh fish like those eastern bloc shit’oles, but this one is quite different in that it is a delicate soop finished wiv choppt peenuts an’ fortified wiv banana dumplins an’ noo potatas.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of fresh flatfish fillits                    500grms of fresh flatfish fillets

Too pintz of ‘omemade fish stock                  1 ltr of fish stock, see recipe

Foa tablespoonz of oil                                     60ml of olive oil

Too to free onions cut finely                           2/3 onions finely cut

One teespoon of cumin seeds                          5grms of cumin seeds

One teespoon of crushed ‘ot chillis                 5grms of dried, crushed hot chilli

One paand of noo potatas                                500grms of new potatoes

Banana Dumplins

Too green bananas oa plantains, gratid            2 green bananas or plantains, grated

Free tablespoonz of toasted crushed peenuts   45grms of toasted crushed peanuts    

Too to free tablespoonz of fish stock               45ml of fish stock

One tablespoon of choppt corianda                  15grms of chopped coriander

To serve and finish

Free to foa green peppas ruffly choppt             3/4 green peppers roughly chopped

Foa ounzes of pees                                           100grms of fresh peas

Foa tablespoonz toasted crushed peenuts         60grms of crushed toasted peanuts

One lemon, gratid zest an’ juice                       1 lemon with grated zest and the juice

Too tablespoonz of choppt corianda                 30gms of chopped coriander

Wivout recommendin’ any sort of fish its awlways best to access local flat fish, but the densa  moa robust fillits such as sole, turbot etc.. tend to be betta foa this dish. Sawlt the fillits an’ set ‘em to one side. Strain the fish stock, if freshly prepared. In a laarge strong fryin’ pan braan an gentli soften the onions in the olive oil. Sprinkul wiv  cumin seeds an’ chilli. Add the stock an’ cubes of potatas, simma foa twenty minits.

Blend the gratid banana wiv the peenuts, corianda an’ enuff fish stock to make a dozen wittle dumplin’ bawls. Slip the bawls into the simmerin’ broth addin’ the pees an’ peppas firty seconds later.

When awl is tenda add the peenuts an’ stir. Carefully drop in the fish fillits an’ allow them to become firm an’ opaque, foa free to foa minits. Taste an’ season, finish wiv the lemon juice an’zest, an’ sprinkul wiv fresh corianda.

It does seem odd ‘avin’ froot wiv fish but believe me it’s superb. This could awlso be a main course but I know when I serve it in the norf it’s a starta, becawse they are awl fat buggas up there an’ ‘ave got massive appetites. 

Tart

Simpul Choclit Tart

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (Bloody Swiss)

Twelve ounzes of double creem                           300grms of double cream

Two tablespoonz of caasta shugga                       2x15mls of caster sugar

Foa ounzes of meltid butta                                   100grms of melted butter

One pound of Philippe’s best choclit                    500grms of Swiss chocolate

Foa ounzes of milk                                                100mls of milk

A dustin’ of cocoa powda                                      Cocoa powder for dusting

Foa the pastry tart

Nine ounzes of butta                                             200grms of butter

One paand of flowa                                              500grms of flour

A pinch of sawlt                                                    a pinch of salt

Severn ounzes of caasta shugga                           180grms of caster sugar

Foa egg yolks                                                        4 egg yolks

Foa tablespoonz of milk oa wautta                       4x15mls spoons of milk or water

If, like my bird, you likes choclit you’ll love this tart. Norvern birds can also make it becawse it’s easy an’ quick, just like their morals. 

Always pre make the tart pastry shell usin’nine ounz of butter, one paand of flowa, a pinch of sawlt, severn ounzes of caasta shugga an’ foa egg yolks. First creem togevva the butta, shugga an’ sawlt, then rub in’ the flowa an’ the egg yolks in a laarge mixin’ bowl. When the ingredienz ‘as the consistency of bread crumbs carefully add foa tablespoonz of cold wautta oa milk to make a dough. Don’t ova work it oa else it‘ll finish up like my old girl’s nicka elastic. Place it in the fridge wrapped in cling film foa an’ our. Roll enuff ovit awt an’ mould it in buttered tart dish an bake blind in the oven at 180 foa fifteen minits.

Usin’ twelve ounzes of double creem, two tablespoonz of caasta shugga an’ a tiny pinch of sawlt bring to the boil in a sawsepan. Take the pan orf the ‘eat an’ add foa ounzes of melted butta an’ one paand, in chunks, of best Swiss choclit, from Phillippe of course, until evrifing ‘as meltid into a smoove fick liquid. As the choclit mix is coolin’ carefully blend in foa ounzes of cold milk until shiny an’ creemy. Poa into the pre baked shell an’ chill foa two hours. Dust wiv cocoa powda an’ serve to yoa tart.

If this don’t get the juices flowin’ noffink will. You knows wot I mean?