'appy Christmas to awl mi followas

This is just one off foa Crimbo. Not so much recipees as advice an loads of tips.


Top Tips
If you fink that you got 5 hours to prepare an' cook the meel in reality you will need 10, so giv yoaself loads an' loads of time.
Double check that you 'ave bought awl of the ingredients foa wot you is doin' uvvawise you'll finish up chasin' yoa arse awl day foa the missin' items.
Don't ave a drink oa a shag befoa you 'ave prepped evrifink. 
If yoa family buggas off to the pub befoa the meel make sure that they are back early so that they aint too pissed to enjoy your cookin'. There is noffin worse than a bladdered guest fawllin' in the food an' tellin' inappropriate jokes then swearin at yoa muvva.


OK. Startas. Any fish dish is tops becawse it don't fill folk up. Sea bass filits soaked in lemon juice, muscadet, chilli, black an' green peppa cawns, capers. Leave in the fridge ovanight an' garnish wiv corianda an' chopped chives.


Main Course. I prefer a gamier meet. Pheasant, duck, venison but especially goose are awl superb. There is loads of recipees awt there but consider this. Place the bird on top of vege, spuds finnli sliced, chopped onions, baby carrots etc.. the goose fat just leaks froo, faverin' evrifink. Foa the laast 15 minutes roast the bird seperate to crisp up. Bloody beltin'. It awlso means that you can sit on yoa arse foa foa hours 'avin a drink oa sex, whilst the bird cooks.


Dessert. I 'ate makin' desserts so I buys one from M an S an' tells evribody that I made it. Uvvawise I just plate up loads of diffrent cheese an crack open the Port. 
Wot evva you do, enjoy, don't panic an' good luck. I 'ope that you continue to reed mi blogs in the noo year becawse I got moa Top Ten recipees from awl ova the world. Cya soon, Nick.  

I need fame

• Andy Warhol said that evribody can be famous foa 15 minutes. It's true today moa than anyuvva time wiv awl of these delusional no hopers goin' in foa these X factor contests. It probably startid wiv that Welsh dragon, Maureen the learner driver: they put her on the box week in week out cawse she caan't drive a fackin' car. Then there was that fat git from Rochdale who was drawing 36 laarge in benefits, an' braggin' abawt it as she swallies a pint of Guiness daan the local. Two council properties knocked togevva to accomodate her foateen sprogs an her knuckle draggin' tatooed husband. 
• Eddie the fackin' Eagle oo makes a career out of fallin' offava ski jump foa the paast 20 fackin' years. That bird oos alwlways on crap morning shows, wiv  bokkle blond air, some days shes BIG an' uvva days she's BIGGER. When she don't get her own way she shouts at her guests oa tries to shag 'em. You know oo she is! she wears yeella dresses to make herself look smaalla, she's cawled Vannessa oa Davina oa Nina oa Sharon. I aint bovvered anyway becawse they are awl worffless: an guess wot, there is no way that the upstairs carpet is the same as the lounge.An' 'ow bad is this.... 
• Today I saw a bin man driving his wagon and guess what he was wearing. Fackin’ sunglasses, Ray Bans…'ee probably finks he's Jack fackin' Nicolson oa that dwaarff  Tom Cruise. I fort, what a c**t, you deserves a smack so I went ova , stopped 'is truck an' chinned 'im there an' then. Sorry to rant but it pisses mi off when these tossas are makin' a crust at the expense of my mates oo 'ave got genuine talent, like JK, fingy Lawson, mi mate out of Blue, The Feelin', the boys in JLS (except foa the one oo looks like Sammy Davies Junior), Cheryl Cole, Fabio, Jose an' mi best best mate Katie. 
• "I feel like Monica wiv a cigar"...I first heard this when I was in DC visitin' a mate, an' got mi finkin' abawt awl the uvvas oo 'as gained extraordinary notoriety wivout any real talent. The list is endless as I 'ave expressed above, but the 5 times gold medal 'olda is Victoria Beckham. Her paffetic solo singin' career afta leavin' the uvva foa fick slappers. Evrifing she does is pants. Designin' cloves, inventin' shite perfums an' soap, mogullin': an' then pretendin' she's posh an' can tawk proppa. I could nevva understand why she kept forgivin' David foa humiliatin' her awl the time by shaggin' awl them Spanish birds, but I suppose 'avin' no brain does 'elp. 
• Anyway here's a simpul but impressif way to make Melba Toast: this was the ultimate dinna party hors d'oef when served viw mi equally famous country Pate, which incidently can be bawt in most leedin' supermarkets like....Widl, Paandstretchas, Costcuttas, Wilkinsons an' B an' M.
• First cut the crusts offava Warburtons fick sliced an' toast bof sides. Take a flat sharp knife an' split the bread exposin' the fleshy inside. Finally, toast the remainin' sides. The toast will curl but thats the cute bit.This aperitivo was developed foa Dame Nellie Melba the New Zealand Opra singer oo was popular in the 1900's. I bet you didn't know that.

Corporit bullshit

I 'ave nevva 'eard as much as much nonsense spoken when I 'ave 'ad the misfortune of being employed by those faceless coporit gits oo run the 'city'. They sit raand behind their big fack off mahogany tables spoutin' on abawt fack awl, but tryin' to saand important when awl I wants to do is explain one of mi outstandin' recipees such as 'Makin' a cheese ommelit'  

Becawse these executif types caan't cook I treets them like norvern 'erberts by keepin' it simpul. 
Take too eggs out of the bax, then break in a cup an' add sawlt an' peppa. Beat them until slightly froffy. Heat a smaal amaant of butta an' vege oil in a hot pan then add the beaten egg. Turn daan the 'eat befoa addin' the grated 'mature chedda cheese'. When meltid, fold one half ova the uvva. Lift out of the pan an' serve wiv a light salad. piece of piss.


Meanwhile whilst I am explainin' to awl of these chinless wonders the beauty of even simpul foods they are bangin' on abawt: adoptin' “Blue sky thinking”, “Pushing the fackin' envelope”, “Taking the fruit from the lower branches of the tree”, “Leaving a minute carbon footprint”. Claimin' that “It is difficult to fly like an eagle when you are working with turkeys”, “granulisation”, “Takin' a helicopter view”: but don't forget to not use the term “brainstorming” anymore as it may offend people with a disability, the present PC terminology is “thought showering or thought cascading”. Definitely,  “One must attempt to square the circle”, "Bring somfink too the table". Most importantly, there is no ‘I’ in team.                              
I've nevva heard as much shite in my life when I am forced to perform at these corporate 'dos. When they have finished I hit's 'em wiv mi own 'omegrown philosophi. Look arseholes I say.... when in Rome do as the Romans do, when in Turkey, gobble”, an' don't forget “It all depends which side of the oxo cube you are looking at”. But mi coup de grace is "Don't let the same dog bite you twice!" Wiv that I leaves them open mouthed as  I leave wiv 5 tax free laarge in mi pocket. Cushty.

Grilled Madagascan Jabbis

 

Favourit 'ome cooked meel. Bein’ one of the most travelled, most experimental chefs in the world its difficult just ‘avin’ one but if I ‘ad to choose it would almost certainly be ‘Grilled Madagascan Jabbis’. I was ova there laast year, part ‘oliday an’ part work. Mi an’ mi local girlfriend were out on the boat bobbin’ abawt near a rocky outcrop just above a reef. This is ideal environment for the Jabbis. Befoa I knows it mi bird dives straight into the wautta, disappears foa abawt foateen minits an’ then resurfaces wiv two of the beasts. She then frows ‘em into the boat an’ swims daan again to eventually return wiv annuvva two. These prehistoric creatures are giant crayfish that grow to phenomenal sizes becawse of the local wautta an’ reef conditions: its somefink to do wiv the oxygenation an’ the micro phytoplankton that exist in the sea araand there. ‘Motolita’, mi bird then takes us off to the nearest island, builds a driftwood fire, boils a pan of salt wautta an’ bungs ‘em in. Awlmost instantly they turns from blue green to a wonderful bright sunrise red. Cleverly she kept one back to barbeque. My mate Vinnie is the best barbequer in the business but even he couldn’t surpass ‘Moto’. Split in arf an’ slightly smoked ova the brushwood fire, occasionally dripped wiv a mild chilli sawse they are just the dogs. Each animal was at least two paand, the ‘ead alone was as big as mi fist so they are an’ ample meal foa anybody. Arfta we had done the Jabbis wiv a bokkle of Montagny premier Cru we watched the most beautiful peaceful sunset an’ ‘ad a bit of ‘ole. Nah, that’s wot I calls eatin’.     

Career choice

• "Neets". This is a government description, principally referring to 16 to 25 year old male and female yooffs as, “Persons who are not in employment, education or training” The prediction is that this percentage will grow ova the years becawse immigrant workers are betta prepared to accept the job offas that the “neets” refuse. Wivvin this group there is a 'igh percentage of drug an' alcohol abusers, single parents, benefit fraudsters an' soap dodgers. Worse still none of these peepul can even boil a fackin' egg. 
• Moa recently they 'ave taken to the streets in protest at not 'avin anyfin. Naturally their response was to target awl the up market stores in the UK, smash the windas an' just take wot they want. Knock seven shades of shit awt of any one who got in their way, burn buildins' daan becawse they were cold, frow bricks an' concreete at the plod becawse they were asleep in their tranny vans, after which they videod awl of their antics foa fackin' yooootube an' twatter.Ofcorse awl the lazee, corrupt, fascist MPs were up in arms blamin' everi facker but themseleves claimin' that this "minority, disfunctional section of feral yoof aint representatif of Britain as a 'hole". "It 'as been the fawlt of previous goverments, lack of parental support, poor education, lack of local community buildin's, immigration policy, no moa free fackin' milk, mi granni's nick mi stash, mi trainers is too monffs old....etc..etc...It's awl bollocks becawse as a nation we 'ave encouraged the academically gifted at the expense of vocational opportunitees foa the fick sods who could 'ave been the next generation of joiners, brickies, plumbers. Awl respected trades that 'ave been neglectid foa firty years. Reep as you shall sow, sayeth the lawd.
• There are radical ways to solve this problem of free generations of thieving robbing parasitic spongers an' that is to cut any anti social male yoofs knackers off wiv a rusty saw an' charge a baby tax on any slapper oo 'as a child befoa the age of foateen. But I don't fink that it would pass European law oa slip under the radar of the green welly brigade.Mind you,I fink that I may 'fly this particular kite' during next weeks noosnight just to test the wautta.
• Anyway I shall put this right by teechin' these disaffected yooves 'ow to boil an egg. Take one egg awt of the box. Boil wautta in a pan, place the egg in the wautta foa too minits foa soft an' free foa 'ard. Now then, evin norveners can do that. 

Duck soop

 

Duck an’ Ginja Stew (Madagascar)

I’ve gotta a local bird ovva there cawled ‘Motolita’ who does this recipee foa mi evri time I visit. She says its an affrodisiac an’ becawse I’m getting’ on a bit I need a bit of ‘elp. Cheeky monkee.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                           Metric

Foa duck cuisses, legs, skin an’ fat left on       4 duck legs with the skin and fat left on.

Too red onions                                                  2 red onions

Eight cloves of garlic, crushed                         8 cloves of garlic crushed

Too an’ a quawtta paands of tomatas               1 kg of tomatoes, skinned and chopped

Too ounzes of ginja                                          50grms of fresh root ginger 

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Place the legs in a laarge pan an’ covva wiv wautta, simma uncovered foa at least one ‘our until the wautta ‘as evaporated an’ the legs are sittin’ in their own juices an’ fat. Strain off the fat an’ covva wiv a wittle moa wautta, Slice the ginja into julienne strips, skin an’ roughly chop the toms, skin an’ crush the cloves of garlic an’ cut the onions finely. Add awl of these ingredienz to the pan, simma foa twenty five minits until the legs are covered in fick marmalade sawse.

The strained fat can now be used to roast some potatas. Add some dried chilli flakes, sawlt an peppa an’ serve wiv the duck. It’s a very rich meel but sometimes you’ve got to treet yoaself.

Mi Norvern Bird

This is mi wiv mi Norvern bird Julie, she's fick as pigshit, has huge silicons, but she's good as gold: she's awlso is a good shag.Evri weekend she comes raand foa a curry oa a lenff of poawk; eva way she's 'appy. I don't let her stay to long becawse she's got this stoopid dawtta, Annussa oo's awlways moanin' on abawt 'ow her boyfriend oo can't keep it up on accaant of 'im bein' pissed an' off his 'ead on weed awl the time.The council have promised her a flat becawse she's expectin' her fird sprog an' there's not enuuff room at Juilies foa the foa of them an' the dogs. I'm 'oppin it don't 'appen becawse I'll be stuck wiv Julie awl week. They're awlright in smoall doses but I couldn't put up wiv an unsofisticated norverner evri day.

Thai Delight

 

Roti Canai, crispy pancake (Thailand)

This involves makin’ too types of simpul dough, one bein’ placed inside the uvva, to create this interesting pancake. They can accompany any sort of curry.

I normally makes this foa mi Thai posse when I am in Pataya, enjoyin', if you know wot I mean!!

Ingredienz 

Dough 1

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a paand of plain flowa                              300grms of plain flour

One teespoon of sawlt                                    5grms of salt

Arf a teespoon shugga                                    2.5grms of sugar

Free tablespoonz of meltid butta oa oil          45grms of melted butter or oil

One egg, beaten                                              1 egg, beaten

Free fluid ounzes of milk                                60mls of milk

Free tablespoonz of wautta                             45mls of water

Dough 2

Foa ounzes of plain flowa                                150grms of flour

Free ounzes of softened butta oa oil                65grms of softened butter or oil

To make dough 1 combine the sawlt, flowa an’ shugga in a mixin’ bowl. Add the softened butta oa oil an’ mix togevva wiv yoa finga tips. Beat the egg an’ milk then add enuff wautta to make six fluid ounzes of the liquid.

Slowly add five ounzes of the egg mixture to the bowl. Mix to make a soft pliable dough. Add the remain’ liquid if the dough seems too dry. Knead the dough well on a flowered surface until it is smoove an’ elastic. Shape into a roll an divide into eight equal pieces. Roll each piece into bawl an’ coat generously wiv some butta oa oil, set aside foa one oa too ‘ours.

To make dough 2 combine the butta oa oil wiv the flowa and mix until a smoove dough as formed. Divide into eight equal pieces rollin’ each into a bawl. Covva wiv a cloff an’ set to one side.

To make the ‘roti’, flatten one dough bawl from 1 into a disc about 3inchis in diameter. Place dough bawl 2 in the centre of the disc an’ wrap. On a lightly flowa coatid surface usin’ a rollin’ pin flatten the bawl into a rectangular piece 5x 6 an’ a arf inchis. Roll up the dough lengthways to make a long round shape. Flatten an’ make it into a thin long sheet. Now, roll it from the short end to make a short fat roll.

Cut the roll into too equal arfs. Sit the dough on its side (the spiral of the dough facin’ upwards) an’ roll it into a flat disc of five inch diameter lightly marked wiv the concentric circles.

In a fryin’ pan oa griddle ‘eat arf a tablespoon of oil an’ cook the roti foa about too oa free minits on each side until goldin braan. Transfer to a flat surface pushin’ the edgs of the roti so that they fluff up the middle layers.

Serve ‘ot wiv any curry oa fick soop. 

Arepas, Central American breads

 

Tortillas, Masa Harina, Arepas, Masarepa (Mexico, an’ Central Americas)

Masa Harina an’ Masarepa are prepared flowas from lye treated, pre-cookt milled cawn, the raw material of ‘tortillas’ an’ ‘arepas’. Bowff are griddled baked flat breads of varyin’ ficknesses which serve the same purpose as other flatbreads, a food wrapper, a portable plate, spoon, fawk an’ edible scoop. Table implements are kept to a minimum in the ‘eat of the tropics foa practical reasons of hygiene.

These are the daily breads of the Saaf Americans.

Arepas

Andean cawn wiv it’s laarge starchy white kernels is used for makin’ Arepas. These bein’ ficker an’ therefore easier to make at ‘ome than Mexican tortillas, have crisp crust, soft interior but a very short shelf like.

To prepare bowff arepas an’ tortillas it is important to locate dried cawn kernels strippt from the cob. Soak in fresh wautta overnight wiv a pinch of ‘lye’, drain an’ grind into a mush. Knead wiv a wittle sawlt into a smoove soft dough. An alternative, is to locate ready prepared flowas which can be stored like any normal flowa. Masa harina an’ masarerpa are different from ‘cawnmeel oa polenta’ which has been processed. When the cawnmeel is treetid wiv ‘lye’ (limewash oa wood ash). It ‘as greater nutritional value, as proven in Africa where much of the cawn does not ‘ave this additive cawsin’ problems wiv the indigenous population. Of course you couldn’t tell Saint bloody Bono that when he started unloadin’ awl of this crap meel believin’ he was doin ‘em a favva: wanka.

When the basic flowa is mixed wiv it’s own volume of warm wautta, wiv oa wivout enrichin’ fat, it can be worked into a dough. This can be baked in the form of flatbread, oa used as an encasin’ pastry foa ‘empanadillos’, wittle pastries. Prepared harina is awlso the raw material foa ‘tamales’. These are dumplins made from harina plus an addition of free tablespoonz of fat an’ later steemed. In its most digestible form it can be eaten as ‘atole’, either a brof  based gruel made wiv milk, oa sweetened an’ flavoured with cinnamon, drunk ‘ot oa cold.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of masarepa flowa                        500grms of ‘masarepa’ flour

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300mls of water

Usin’ already prepared dough dampen the ‘ands an’pat out the masarepa to make flat cakes free inchis in diameter an’ a arf inch fick.

Bake on a ‘ot very lightly greased griddle. Remove as soon as the surface blisters black. Eat straight from the pan. In Caracas they like to eat them wiv the doughy interior pulled out an’ replaced wiv creem cheese oa ‘oney.

When they become stale which can be as quick as one ‘our treet as a left ova. Soak in milk oa brof (stock) to make porridge oa make ‘eggy’ bread. Tear the pancakes into pieces, dip in the beaten egg, fry until crisp an’ eat wiv chilli sawse

Proppa fulfilment. Nick's philosophi

•  “Gestalt” (gestald) a German term for enlightenment, the moment of understanding, a sudden awareness, discovering the perfect solution, Eureka. 'ow do human beens function productively an' perhaps achieve gestalt? The theories of intrinsic or extrinsic motivation: from within becawse of self motivation, innate drive or fulfilment or by external influences, moa pay? Carrot and stick management?
• I see loads of chefs bangin' on abawt disaplin an' 'get yoa fackin' act togevva, I'll cut yoa bollocks off an' put 'em in the soop along wiv yoa knob. You'll be awt the fackin' doa you arse'ole. This sort of behaviour I awlways finds contemptible. To fretin' peepul, especially the staaf pullin' awt their tripe aint the way that I would go abawt it. I would awlways folla the advice of mi mate Professor Hung Donkeyman Shentsone famed foa 'is theories upon how peepul fulfill an' acheive. It's noffin' to do wiv beatin' 'em wiv wet socks becawse lastin' personal drive comes from wivin. A personal belief in one's own ability nurtured by a positiv, supportiv workin environment not fackin' 'ells kitchin. Result. 
• This is cawled in the trade 'intrinsic or extrinsic motivation'. It's gawn out of fashion since Thatchers storm troopas smashed us liberal finkers into the dust an' that fackin' Gordon Gheko claimed that 'greed is good'. Fuck anyone else just as long as I claw my way to the top. Don't forget to pillage befoa you burn! 

Anuvva Roti

 

Roti Telur

Use dough 1 an’ 2 plus too eggs, diced cookt onion, sawlt an’ peppa.

Prepare the roti as above. Crack the eggs an’ beat lightly just to break the yolk. Roll the roti to a laarger seven inchis in size an’ place on an oiled pre-‘eatid griddle. Poa a smoall amount of the egg mix on the roti tryin’ not spill ova the edges. Scatta on some cookt onion an’ fold ova from one edge to anuvva to form a semi circle. Cook on bowff sides foa too oa free minits. Cut into wedges an’ serve.

There are uvva variations of this dish such as ‘roti planta’ (butta pancake), ‘roti bawang’ (onion pancake), ‘roti sardi’ (sardine pancake), ‘roti aiskrim’ (ice creem pancake), but try to invent yoa own fillins’ ‘sweet oa sour?’

'Ow to draw Papou and Fabrice

These are much easier to drawa so 'ave a go. The more that you practice the betta you will become.

Morue at Noo Year 


Mi bird Julie an I went to Fabrice an Papou's Bistro at Noo Year foa a celebration dinna. There was awl sorts of folks there from awl ova Europe; there were Belgique, Spanish, Italiens an even some from the eastern bloc: plus a table full of French Trannies. They was dresst proppa in gold lame frocks, silk scarves, fish nets an big blouses to cover the're rubba tities. They ad reel makeup wiv rouge an' bright red lippie: their wigs were foa to die foa, genuine hair tubblin' ova their shoulders like cascadin' fountins. As the night went on an the drink flowed I stuck a lip on one of the moa delicate ladies an we exchanged cards: you nevva know wot the future holds.
Anyway I digress. We had awlsorts of food that night but foa now I shall focus on the most traditional of noo years fare. Just like the norvern 'erberts 'ave lobbies on the stroke of 12 midnight, daan on the Med they 'ave this dish.
Morue is annuvva name foa cod; but it usually refers to the sawlt cod variety: this 'poisson' is quite common awl ova the Midi.

Morue is bought in complete, laarge filits sawltid an dried. Befoa cookin' it is neccessary to rehydrate the fish by soakin' it in milk ova night.This awlso removes awl of the sawlt.
The ingredienz foa the meel is simpul. The fish, potatoes, onion, sawlt, peppa, butta an corianda.

Poach the fish in a light stock, strip off the skin an flake. Boil the spuds an mash wiv a wittle milk. Chop the onion, gentli fry in a laarge pan until goldin; then add the flaked fish, spuds, fresh corianda, an season. Befoa servin' just melt in the butta. It saands like a heavy dish but accompanied wiv steamed chickin' an' Fabrices buggered vege even a sparra can eat it.
Mi norvern bird 'ad too 'elpins that night so her love cushion was the size of a beech bawl. Nevvatheless, we still had loads of fun bouncin' araand on mi king size.

Mi Thai Posse

This is mi Thai posse. Evri time I goes to Pattaya I teams up wiv them. We hang out togevva on the streets posin' an' poutin' like Victoria Beckham, the slag.

Awl of these birds is from Pataya becawse it' full of proppa Ting Tongs, Ladyboys, feeves an robbas.This is mi posse which I 'ave gavvered araand mi ovva the paast twenty free years. When I first went there foa a 'oliday I met Rita oo was workin' as an 'ostess in a local club. She introduced me to a totally noo way of life, most of 'er closest mates, a multitude of bizarre sexual configurations, shitloads of claass A drugs an' some incurable clinical deseases. I was awlso able to build up great contacts foa the legitimate importation of spices, peppas an' silks. Occasionally, I would discover enormous bags of weed at the bottom of a consignment which is the Tie way of sayin' fank you foa the trade.
Tie birds are great, they'll do anyfink foa ya, usually foa free oa  a few Baht, they don't get jealous so you can 'ave five oa six on the go at the same time: an' best of awl when they turn seventeen you can precure a foateen year old replacement.

Exotic Eastern breads

Dal Puris (Mauritius)

Try these three triffic eastern breads.

Yumm, Yumm.

Don't giv the norvern birds too much, they carry enuff weight anyway.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of ‘dal’                                         600grms of ‘dal’

Too paands of flowa                                      1kg of flour

One teespoon of graand cumin                      5grms of ground cumin

One teespoon of graand fenugrek                  5grms of ground fenugrek

Arf a teespoon of turmeric                             2.5grms of turmeric

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Wash the ‘dal’ an’ boil foa firty minits wiv the termuric an’ sawlt, drain, reservin’ the wautta, an’ puree. Add the fenugrek an’ cumin.

Sieve the flowa an’ sawlt in a mixin’ bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ add the reserved wautta a wittle at a time. Knead an’ make into a smoove dough, covva an’ rest foa firty minits. Divide the dough into ten even smoall bawls. Make an ‘ole in the middle of the bawl an’ add a tablespoon of the pureed ‘dal’ an’ close. Place the bawls on a flowered surface an’ flatten out into pancake size discs.

‘eat a lightly oiled ‘tawa’ oa griddle an’ cook the pancakes foa firty seconds on each side. Smear wiv oil an’ repeat to braan the puris. Job done.   

Parathas (India)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Too paand of flowa                                        1kg of flowa

One pint of ‘ot wautta                                    500ml of hot water

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Seive the flowa an’ arf a teespoon of sawlt into a laarge bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ carefully add one tablespoon of oil an the wautta in smoall quantities. Knead into a smoove dough, covva an’ leave foa firty minits. Divide into eight even smoall bawls an’ roll out into discs about six inchis in diameter.

Smear each wiv oil an’ fold twice to make a triangle. Sprinkul wiv flowa an’ roll out again. Cook in the same way as the Dal Puris. Piece of piss.

  

Samosas (Indian)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a paand of flowa                                      300grms of flowa

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300ml of water

Sawlt an’ oil                                                   salt and oil

Seive the flowa wiv the sawlt, add a tablespoon of oil an’ wautta carefully an’ knead into a smoove dough. Divide into ten an’ form ten smoall bawls. Smear wiv oil an’ dust wiv flowa.

Flatten an’ roll out to make discs of about foa inchis in diameter. Place the discs on top of each uvva dustin’ wiv flowa as it is built up into a foa inch pile. Lightly roll out the pile squashin’ the layers gentli togevva.

In a very ‘ot ‘eavy griddle cook the disc turnin’ regularly until it begins to bubble. Remove from the ‘eat, trim the ruff edges an’ separate the layers carefully. Cut the dough into foa by too inch rectangular strips. They are now ready to stuff: the most common stuffin’ is poawk an’ chilli onions but it’s fun to experiment wiv different fillins, so ‘ave a go. Fold to make enclosed triangular shapes.

The samosas should be lightly deep fried foa foa minits. Lift an’ strain off the oil on kitchin paper.