I need fame

• Andy Warhol said that evribody can be famous foa 15 minutes. It's true today moa than anyuvva time wiv awl of these delusional no hopers goin' in foa these X factor contests. It probably startid wiv that Welsh dragon, Maureen the learner driver: they put her on the box week in week out cawse she caan't drive a fackin' car. Then there was that fat git from Rochdale who was drawing 36 laarge in benefits, an' braggin' abawt it as she swallies a pint of Guiness daan the local. Two council properties knocked togevva to accomodate her foateen sprogs an her knuckle draggin' tatooed husband. 
• Eddie the fackin' Eagle oo makes a career out of fallin' offava ski jump foa the paast 20 fackin' years. That bird oos alwlways on crap morning shows, wiv  bokkle blond air, some days shes BIG an' uvva days she's BIGGER. When she don't get her own way she shouts at her guests oa tries to shag 'em. You know oo she is! she wears yeella dresses to make herself look smaalla, she's cawled Vannessa oa Davina oa Nina oa Sharon. I aint bovvered anyway becawse they are awl worffless: an guess wot, there is no way that the upstairs carpet is the same as the lounge.An' 'ow bad is this.... 
• Today I saw a bin man driving his wagon and guess what he was wearing. Fackin’ sunglasses, Ray Bans…'ee probably finks he's Jack fackin' Nicolson oa that dwaarff  Tom Cruise. I fort, what a c**t, you deserves a smack so I went ova , stopped 'is truck an' chinned 'im there an' then. Sorry to rant but it pisses mi off when these tossas are makin' a crust at the expense of my mates oo 'ave got genuine talent, like JK, fingy Lawson, mi mate out of Blue, The Feelin', the boys in JLS (except foa the one oo looks like Sammy Davies Junior), Cheryl Cole, Fabio, Jose an' mi best best mate Katie. 
• "I feel like Monica wiv a cigar"...I first heard this when I was in DC visitin' a mate, an' got mi finkin' abawt awl the uvvas oo 'as gained extraordinary notoriety wivout any real talent. The list is endless as I 'ave expressed above, but the 5 times gold medal 'olda is Victoria Beckham. Her paffetic solo singin' career afta leavin' the uvva foa fick slappers. Evrifing she does is pants. Designin' cloves, inventin' shite perfums an' soap, mogullin': an' then pretendin' she's posh an' can tawk proppa. I could nevva understand why she kept forgivin' David foa humiliatin' her awl the time by shaggin' awl them Spanish birds, but I suppose 'avin' no brain does 'elp. 
• Anyway here's a simpul but impressif way to make Melba Toast: this was the ultimate dinna party hors d'oef when served viw mi equally famous country Pate, which incidently can be bawt in most leedin' supermarkets like....Widl, Paandstretchas, Costcuttas, Wilkinsons an' B an' M.
• First cut the crusts offava Warburtons fick sliced an' toast bof sides. Take a flat sharp knife an' split the bread exposin' the fleshy inside. Finally, toast the remainin' sides. The toast will curl but thats the cute bit.This aperitivo was developed foa Dame Nellie Melba the New Zealand Opra singer oo was popular in the 1900's. I bet you didn't know that.