Pasta

 

Pasta Con I Fagiolo

This is the Italian version of poawk an’ bean soop but becawse they love pasta they bung in vermicelli oa noodles dependin’ on what they feel like.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Eight ounzes of dried white beanz                 250grms of white beans, dried or fresh

Eight ounzes of poawk belly                          250grms of pork belly

One onion, choppt                                          1 onion finely chopped

One carrot, choppt                                          1 carrot finely chopped

One celri stick, choppt                                    1 stick of celery finely chopped

One garlic clove, crushed                                1 clove of garlic, crushed

Free parsley sprigs, choppt                             3 parsley sprigs chopped finely

One sprig of sage, choppt                               1 sprig of sage finely chopped

One bay leaf                                                    1 bay leaf

Sawlt an’ graand black peppa                         salt and freshly milled black pepper

Six ounzes of vermicelli oa noodles               175grms of vermicelli or noodles

Soak the beanz overnight, drain and rinse and place in a laarge sawsepan wiv the poawk, carrot, onion, celri, garlic, parsley, sage an’ bay leaf wiv enuff wautta to covva the lot. Bring to the boil an’ then reduce the ‘eat, covva the pan an’ simma foa too ‘ours, oa until the beanz are soft.

Spoon out a cupful of beanz an’ puree froo a sieve. Add the mixture back to the soop an’ bring back to the boil. Frow in the pasta oa noodles an’ cook until they are just tenda an’ firm to the bite, oa ‘al dente’ as we say in Italy.

Remove the poawk from the soop cut off the rind an’ cut the rest into bitesize chunks. Just befoa servin’ drizzle in the virgin olive oil an’ add the poawk. Give it one laast, generous grindin’ of peppa an’ transfer to individual bowls.

This meal is just great wiv a bokkle of Olio di Poggiopiano an’ huge cobs of mi ‘omemade rustic bread.

Apple pie

 

Pommes Bristol

This is a dessert made from relatively simpul ingredienz . Choose a firm-textured appul, just like mi bird’s bristols, on account of ‘em being entirely made from silicone, such as Cox’s orange pippin. If you can’t get ‘old of Cox’s becawse the bloody European Union ‘as banned it oa somefink, then use a blush oa some red French appuls.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Foa ounzes of shugga                                     100grms of sugar

Arf a pint of wautta                                         300ml of water

One teespoon of vanilla essence                     1x15ml of vanilla essence

Foa laarge eatin’ appuls                                   4 large eating apples

Free oranges                                                     3 oranges

Foa the caramel

Free ounzes of shugga                                     75grms of sugar

Free fluid ounzes of wautta                             75ml of water

Put the wautta an’ shugga in a sawsepan wiv the vanilla essence an’ let the shugga dissolve ovva a gentul ‘eat. When dissolved increase the ‘eat slightly an’ simma until a fairly fick syrup ‘as formed.

Peel an’ de-core the appuls, slice ‘em an’ add to the pan to simma’ foa ten minits. Take care not to break ‘em, lift the pan from the ‘eat. Place the lid on top an’ allow to go cold. The slices should be transparent an’ quite tenda.

Meanwhile remove the outta rind from one of the oranges an’ cut into strips the size of matchsticks. Place in a smoall pan of wautta, bring to the boil an’ simma foa five minits. Drain, rinse under cold wautta to refresh the strips an’ set at one side. Remove the skin an’ pith an’ any pips from the oranges, an’ slice into rounds. Arrange the appuls in a flat dish placin’ the oranges on the top.

To prepare the caramel, put the shugga an’ wautta in a sawsepan an’ let the shugga dissolve slowly ovva a gentul ‘eat. When dissolved, increase the ‘eat so that a syrup forms turning into a rich braan caramel. Poa into a greased , flat bakin’ tin an’ leave until set. Crush an’ sprinkul ovva the oranges an’ appuls addin’ the orange strips aswell. Place in the fridge foa at least fee ‘ours befoa yoa guests arrive. Serve wiv whipped creem oa crème anglais.

Vege soup

I cannot emphasise enuff to use fresh vege. I normally digs mine straight outta mi gardin so its proppa fresh. That is why this soop, incidentally, is cawled, ‘arf the gardin’ soop. 

‘Arf gardin soop.

Ingredienz.

Imperial (English)                                              Metric (Foreign)

One large onion                                                     one large onion

2 tablespoonz of oil                                               2x15ml oil

Crushed black peppa cawns                                  crushed black pepper corns

A pinch of sawlt                                                    a pinch of sawlt

One diced carrot, celri stick, potata                      one diced carrot, celery and a potato

Foa Italian plum toms                                            four Italian plum tomatoes

Eight ounzes of broad oa flagelot beens                200grms of braod or flagelot beans

One large sliced in rings leek                                one large leek, sliced

Two pintz of chickin stock                                    1200ml of chicken stock

One swiss Chard oa cabbige                                  one Swiss Chard or Spring green

 

Its very simpul to make, but it’s delicious, especially foa winta nights wiv the bird. 

In a sawsepan sweat a laarge choppt onion in two tablespoonz of oil, crushed black peppa an’ a pinch of sawlt. Add diced carrot, celery, smoall potata, de-seeded and foa Italian plum skinned tomatas, eight ounzes of broad oa flagelot beans an’ a leek. Poa in two pintz of ‘omemade chickin stock an’ simma foa fifteen minits.

Chickin stock. Use the carcass of some old bird as yoa basic stock. Bung it in a pan wiv one onion, one carrot, two teaspoonz of parsley, bouquet garni, two cloves an’ a fresh bay leef. Add free pintz of wautta an’ simma until it’s reduced to two pintz. Strain off an’ stoa in the fridge.

To finish the soop chop an’ add one laarge cabbige oa Swiss chard if you can get it. I gets my chard from my mate Philippe in Geneva who sends it ova. Normally he bungs in a few Rolex which I unloads daan the Strand to mi mate ‘Dodgy Don’.

As soon as the cabbige as softened up get yourself a large bowl an’ poa yoa soop in it. Crumble some crusty bread in it an’ enjoy. Afterwards, grab yoa birds silicones an’ giv ‘er a good talkin’ to between the legs. Lovely.

Breads from awl ova the world

 

Bread

Ingredienz

Imperial (Ingurland)                                             Metric (Frog)

One ounz of fresh yeast                                           25grms of fresh yeast

One ounz of French honey                                      25mls of French mile

One pint of tepid wautta                                          550mls of tepid water

One paand of strong flowa                                      550grms of strong flour

One paand of semolina flowa                                  550grms of semolina flour

Louis Fernaud is the best bread maker in the whole of Fraaance. One day ‘ee took mi to one side an ‘ whispered that ‘ee wanted to giv mi ‘is secrit bread recipe that ‘is grandfavva ‘ad given ‘im firty years befoa,. To offa it up to someone who really cares abawt bread; an’ believe mi I lives foa bread. ‘Ee took one look at my ‘ands an’ said, that next to ‘im, mine were the best that ‘ee’d evva seen an’ foa that reason alone, I deserved to know ‘is secrit. I am prepared to pass on most of it so that you also can make good bread, but, I am keepin’ the reel secrit to myself becawse Louis awlways said that if I dared to reveal it to anyone ‘ee would cut my bawls off an’ give ‘em to ‘is Wessex Saddlebacks.

  

Dissolve one ounz of fresh yeast an’ one ounz of French honey in arf a pint of tepid wautta. On a warm flat surface make a well in one paand of strong flowa an’ one paand of semolina flowa. Next, poa in yoa yeast mix gradually mixin’ wiv yoa fingas until awl the yeast mixture has been taken by the flowa. Poa in annuvva arf pint of tepid wautta until a moist dough is produced. Knead the dough usin’ the Chinese cows ‘ead method foa abawt five minits. As you roll the dough to an’fro on the downstroke a cows ‘ead is formed. The chinese used this method when reconstitutin’ clay but European bread makers nicked it becawse its improves the gluten in the mix.

Roll the dough into a bawl, score it wiv a knife an’ let it relax an’ prove in a laarge tin until it’s doubled in size. This should take abawt forty five minits if it’s placed in a warm draft free place. Empti the tin awt an’ knead an’ pummel foa a minit until the air ‘as been knocked awt. Return it back to the tin to prove foa a second time. When it ‘as doubled in size foa the second time place the bread very gentli an’ carefully into the pre‘eated oven foa twenty to twenty five minits. Tap the bottom of the of the loaf to check if it’s baked. If it sounds ‘ollow it’s done.

Bread is the most basic of man’s food an’ should be available foa evri one includin’ norverners.

French Tart

Crème Brulee (France)

This recipee originatid in France but I was given it by an American friend who ‘ad a ‘ouse daan there in the saaf. I met ‘im one summa an’ we got on really well. I’m awlways invitid to stay ova in august but its usually to ‘ot foa me an’ he lives in a shit’ole of a taan inhabitid by skankies an’ ner do wells. Anyway, Bill’s a great cook an’ a good friend, an’ this is one of ‘is favrit desserts that he kindly offered to me.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One an’ a arf pintz of double creem               850ml of double cream

One vanilla pod, split lenffways                     1 vanilla pod split lengthways

Six laarge free range eggs yolks                     6 large free range eggs yolks

Five an’ arf ounzes of caastta shugga             150gms of caster shugga

Place the dish oa dishis that you are going to serve the crème brulee into the fridge to chill, at least six ‘ours befoa you wants to serve the dessert. The dish should be shallow, ‘eatproof rememberin’ that the mixture will completely fillit. These quantities will serve eight peepul so work out the amount oa size of dish, oa reduce the quantities to suit yoa needs. You ain’t fick so you should be able to divide, unless you are a norverner in which case you will need a calculator.

Put the creem an’ the vanilla pod in a strong fick sawsepan an’ bring to boilin’ point. Remove from the ‘eat an’ allow foateen minits foa the mixture to become infused wiv the pod. In anuvva bowl beat the egg yolks an’ add a tablespoon of shugga.

Lift out the vanilla pod an’ poa the creem ova the yolks, mixin’ them forrowly. Transfer the mixture to sawsepan an’ on a very low ‘eat stir continuously wiv a woodin spoon. Nah, this is where it is important to be patient an’ understand that it may take up to one’our foa the creem to ficken. Don’t be tempted to turn up the ‘eat  becawse the creem will curdle: my bird does it awl the time an’ she cheets by rescuin’ it by puttin’ it in a blenda, but it is awlways betta to do it proppa.  When the creem coats the back of yoa spoon its ready to take off the stove but keep stirrin’ as it cools.

Poa the creem into the chillt dishis, don’t worry if it’s a little runny it will ficken as it cools back in the fridge. I bought some wittle erfinware ramekins from a markit in Isle sur la Sorgue foa too euros a pop, she was right tasty, the bird that had the stall, but I was rushed foa time so I didn’t bovva wiv an attempted pull; maybe next time? They are about foa inchis in diameter an glazed on the inside, an’ they are perfect foa the crème.

Befoa yoa guests arrive, wack the grill on to a fierce ‘eat, sprinkul the caastta shugga ova the top of the crème an allow the shugga to bubble an’ melt. Lift from under the grill allowin’ the shugga to form a goldin braan shell, just like the top of mi ‘ead.

This is probably the best ‘comfort dessert’ in the entire world, an’certainly when I ain’t bovvered about sex I awlways serves it to mi bird as a substitute.

Pot Chickin

 

Chickin in a Pot.  

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (French)

One plump, young free range bird                        one young, free range chicken

Two tablespoonz of oil                                         2x15 spoons of olive oil

Foateen shallots                                                    14 shallots

Six cloves of garlic                                                6 cloves of garlic

Free choppt carrots awt the gardin                        3 organic carrots

Two sticks of celri                                                 2 sticks of celery

Ten smoall, noo potatas, scraped                          10 small new potatoes

Foa spring onions                                                  4 spring onions

Two ounzes of butta, unsawlted                            50grms of unsalted

A ‘andful of thyme, fresh                                      a bunch of fresh thyme

Pinchis of sawlt an’ black peppa                           1x5ml salt and pepper

One pint of ‘omemade  chickin stock                    600ml of homemade chicken stock

This is anuvva way of doin’ a chickin but it keeps the old bird moist an’ the meat ‘as sweet as’.

Obviously the best birds are free range, plump an’ young just like my birds, actually. First prepare all yoa vege. Peel abawt foateen shallots, six cloves of garlic, free choppt carrots, two sticks of celri, scrape ten smoall, noo potatas, foa spring onions. Make a paste wiv two ounz of butta, fresh choppt thyme, and the whole peeled garlic cloves. Place arf of it under the skin of the bird’s breast and the remainin’ arf up its arse.

In a laarge sawsepan braan yoa shallots in 2 tablespoonz of olive oil an’growned black peppa. When they is nice an’ braan add the uvva vegetables except the noo potatas an’ spring onions. Then, toss ‘em abawt so they all gets a bit of coatin’ of the oil. Put the chickin on the bed of vege breast daan an’ wiv it’s legs up in the air. Covva wiv 1 pint of ‘omemade chicken stock (you should always ‘ave a good stock of stock in yoa fridge oa yoa freeza that you ‘ave made earlier foa one of mi uvva recipees: if you don’t you are aa right plum). Place the lid on the sawsepan an’ simma foa firty minits.

Take awt the bird and bung in the spuds an’ choppt spring onions an’ cook off. Roast an’ braan the chicken foa fifteen minits in an ‘ot oven at 180 ‘C’. When the spuds are ready rest the bird an’ reduce the sawse to abawt ‘arf, an’ serve.

This is a proppa family meal to be enjoyed wiv yoa kids so don’t spoil it by ‘avin’ yoa tart round. You can always ‘ave ‘er round layta, then you can dip your bread in the sawse.

Desserts, sweets, puddin's

 

Desserts, Sweets, Puddin’ an’ bread.

Jam Roly Poly

Ingredienz.

Imperial (English)                                                Metric (foreign)

Foa ounzes of self raisin’ flowa                             100grms of self raising flour

Two ounzes of Bob’s shredded beef suet               50grmsof shredded beef suet

Two to free tablespoonz of wautta                          2 or 3 15ml spoons of water

Foa the jam

One paand of strawbs                                             500grms of strawberries

‘arf a pint of wautta                                                250mls of water

One stick of cinnamon                                            1 stick of cinnamon

The zest an’ juice of yoa ‘ome grown lemon          the zest and juice from a lemon

One tablespoon of Cassis                                        1x15ml spoon of Cassis

Two to free tablespoonz of braan shugga               1or 2x15ml spoons of Demerara

Foa the custard

Two eggs from yoa own farm                                 2 free range eggs

One ounz of caasta shugga                                      25grms of caster sugar

Arf a pint of milk                                                     250mls of milk

One vanilla pod                                                        1 vanilla pod

This is the dog’s when it comes to a warming winta pud. It’s a piece of piss to make but it can take a lotta time becawse of the steamin’. I awlways usis proppa suet from

Bob an’ mi own ‘omemade jam. This dish is best served wiv ‘ot oa cold custard, again ‘omemade.

Siv foa ounzes of self raisin’ flowa an’ a pinch of sawlt into a mixin’ bowl, add two ounzes of Bob’s shredded beef suet. Stir in two to free tablespoonz of ‘ot water an’ mix into a dough. Lift from the bowl an ‘knead on a flowered boad until awl the ingredienz is smoove. Roll awt  an ‘oblong abawt a quawta of an inch fick.

‘omemade jam.

It aint rocket science to make yoa own jam so don’t freek like a tart. Onli use seasonal fruits, often bruised  an’ soft ones can produce top resultz. Slowli an’ gentli reduce daan the selected fruit (strawbs foa examlpul) wiv foa table spoonz of liquor. This you shouldda prepared earlier an’ consists of arf a pint of wautta, a cinnamon stick, zest an’ juice of a lemon, from yoa own tree, a tablespoon of cassis an’ two laarge tablespoonz of Demerara shugga.  As the consistency of the mixture becomes fick add moa shugga. Whilst the jam is still ‘ot poa into a kilner jar an’ allow to cool. It’s that easy, even a norvern bird could make it. 

  

Proppa custard.

Beat up two eggs wiv one ounze of caasta shugga. Ova a ‘Ban Marie’ carefully an’ slowly add arf a pint of warm milk that ‘as been previously infused wiv a vanilla pod, stirrin’ awl the time until the shugga ‘as dissolved. When creamy an’ smoove covva wiv cling film an’ place in the fridge until you needs to serve. You can ‘ave it ‘ot oa cold.

Returning to the recipe, you can now spread foa ounzes of ‘omemade jam ova the dough an’ roll up sealin’ the edges wiv a wittle wautta. Wrap loosely in greaseproof or buttered tin foil placin’ on the top of a steama filled wiv boiling’ wautta. The puddin’ needs cook foa one an’ a arf hours, but keep checkin’ that pan doesn’t boil dry oa else you’ll be in the shit.

Just befoa you serves the puddin’ gentli ‘eat the remainin’ foa spoonz of jam an’ poa ova, lettin’ it drip awl daan the side suggestively. This puddin’ will definitely get yoa birds silicones awt slappin’ an’ bappin’ in yoa boat race.