A unique dessert

Again this is just a tempta foa the future. Mi books full of proppa desserts. 

Port Wine Jelly

A long, long time ago I used to run a pub, back in the days when even an idiot could make loads of money. Obviously, I made a fortune but it wasn’t only on the fine grub that I used to serve up; I was very clevva at buyin’ particular wines that at the time ‘ad not been discovered in the trade. I became particularly clevva at buyin’ Vintage Ports. I was given the nod from a spirits salesman one Christmas who told me that within a few years certain ports would become very collectable. Back in the early eighties I was able to buy top marques foa foa paands fifty a bokkle. So ova a period of too years I collectid case arfta case of Quinta do Noval, Dows, Cockburns an’ Taylors. So many of them were 1970 vintage, which was the best year foa decades. I just sat on ‘em foa twenty years an’ then unloadid them to an unsuspectin’ wine trade. I made a killin’ wiv individual bokkles goin’ foa too hundrid paand.

So much so, I wantid to celebrate this occasion so I inventid a top sweet araand it. You awlways remember as a kid ‘avin’ jelly an’ ice creem as a treeet. I can still remember getting’ a frill outta watchin’ the jelly wobble awl ova the place when aunt Edif brought it to the table. Mind you, that wasn’t the only fing that was shakin’ about, she ‘ad an enormous pair that she would flap about in yoa face at evri opportunity. This is my version of a grown up jelly an’ I cawls it Port Wine Wobble.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300ml of water

Too an’ free quawtta ounzes of shugga         75grms of sugar

One an’ arf sachets of gelatine                       1.5 sachets of gelatine

Arf a pint of port, non vintage                        300ml of late bottled port

Foa tablespoonz of Brandy                             60ml of brandy

Foa tablespoonz of orange juice                     60ml of freshly squeezed orange

Bring the wautta to boil in a fair sized sawsepan. Remove it from the ‘eat an’ add the shugga until it has dissolved. Allow it to cool, sprinkul on the gelatine an’ stir until it ‘as meltid. Add the port, brandy and freshly squeezed orange juice. Poa into tit shaped moulds an’ chill until it sets. Serve wiv mi ‘omemade glace de citron an’ whip ‘er knickers orf. Enjoy.

First Main

This is noffink to do wiv the starta, so don't fink they go togevva. It's up to you how you combine mi recipees. Ownli a norvern erbert would fink that a Rochefort soop would go wiv this.`

Chinese poawk sowd, oa ‘Wot you Won’ sweet an’ sour.

Ingredienz

Imperial (British)                                               Metric (Chinese)

One tablespoon of vegetable oil                          1x15ml of vegetable oil

Ten fin slices of garlic                                         10 slices of garlic, cut thin

Two teaspoonz of soya sawse                              2x15ml of light soya sauce

Grated fum of ginja                                              one thumb of ginger, grated

A pinch of chilli powda                                        a pinch of chilli powder

Five shoots of choppt lemon graas                       five fresh shoots of lemon grass 

Milled black peppa foa taste                                 milled black pepper to taste

Free tablespoonz of shugga, braan                       4x15ml of brown sugar

Foa ounzes of rice vinegar                                   100grms of rice vinegar

Six large toms                                                       six large tomatoes

A squirt of tomata puree                                       1x5ml 0f tomato puree

A teaspoon of strong mustard                               1x5ml of English mustard

Two ounzes of butta                                              50grms of butter

Two paand of tenda loin                                        one kilo of tender loin pork

Foa the batta

Arf a pint of milk                                                 300ml of milk

One tablespoon of braan vinegar                         1x15ml of malt vinegar

One teaspoon of soya sawse                                1x5ml of soya sauce

One tablespoon of Tempura flowa                       1x15ml of tempura flour

                                 

When I’ve got mi bird comin’ rawnd foa the night I awlways knocks up mi favorit Chinese. Its made up of two parts, the sawse an’ the crunchy battered poawk bawls.

To make the sawse you needs fresh from Jimmi Chink. He owes mi an’ ‘ees a mate so I insists on the best. First, sweat yoa diced onion in a wok wiv a tablespoon of vegetable oil, 10 fin slices of garlic, 2 teaspoonz of light soya sawse, a grated fum of ginja, a pinch of chilli pawda, 5 shoots of cut lemon graas, an’ some milled black peppa. To create the caramel treecul bung in free tablespoonz of braan shugga an’ then poa in foa ounzes of proppa rice vinega. Peel, de-seed an’ dice six laarge toms an wiv a squirt of tomata puree, a teaspoon of strong mustard add to the mix an’ simma foa fifteen minits.

Meanwhile dice 2 paand of tenda loin, obtained, obviously, from ‘Jonnty the Pig’ an’ seer in anuvva pan: put at one side.

Mix yoa batta wiv arf a pint of milk, a tablespoon of braan vinega, a teaspoon of soya sawse an’a tablespoon of tempura flowa, until its like fick cream. Let it rest foa firty minits. Coat the chunks of poawk in the batta an’ deep fry in anuvva wok.

Taste the sawse an’ add moa shugga oa vinegar as you wants. Finally stir in 2 ounzes of butta to glaze. Nevva put in corn flowa, like most toassas do, becawse it looks sinfetic an’ shitti. Serve the bawls an’ the sawse seperatly wiv proppa rice an’ uvva dips that you can get out of a jar, if you are a lazee bastard.

Birds can’t get enuff of this stuff becawse, if you gives ‘em chop sticks they fink they are eatin’ loads, but they’re not: so when you makes love afterwoods they don’t feel bloated when yoa bangin’ abawt on top. Nah, that’s a right result.

First starta

Foa the next free 'blogs' I fawt I'd offa a starta, one main an one dessert, just to giv you a sampul of mi recipees. There are many moa to come so stay tuned!!! I bet you can't wait just like a lot of mi birds.

Salad de choux rouges aux lardons et aux Roquefort

This is a classic French summer salad very popular in the south. Particularly in Provence they can source awl the freshest vege, mainly becawse it grows naturally down there due to the long springs an’ summers. This dish can be moa than a starta especially durin’ the long boilin’ ‘ot days when anyfink cookt seems somewhat inappropriate. I was once stayin’ wiv a mate of mine in his nooly renovated ‘Mas’ durin’ the summer of the ‘canacule’. It was fackin’ boilin’ but this daft norvern bird who was awlso stayin’ insisted on usin’ the oven evri night makin’ meals from sausages, fish cakes, burgers an’ smily fackin’ chips. The kitchen remained at 100 degrees evri bleedin’ night. Since then I nevva eat anyfink ‘ot in July oa August. That fick norvern bint ‘as put mi off foa life. So that’s anuvva bloody good reason foa recomendin’ this dish.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

A smoall ‘ead of red cabbige                          A small head of red cabbage

Foa tablespoonz of vinigga                             60mls of vinegar

Eight ounzes of uncooked bacon, diced         250gms of uncooked bacon diced

One tablespoon of oil                                      15ml of virgin olive oil

Sixteen to twenty lettice leaves                       16 to 20 lettuce leaves

Free ounzes of Roquefort cheese                     90grms of Roquefort cheese

Foa the croutes

One long French bread stick                            1 baguette

Foa to six tablespoonz of oil foa fryin’            60ml of oil for frying

Foa the vinaigrette dressin’

One tablespoon of Dijon mustard                     1x15ml of Dijon mustard

Free tablespoonz of vinigga                              3x 15ml of vinegar

One bruised clove of garlic                               1 bruised clove of garlic

Sawlt an’ freshly grand peppa                           Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Quawtta the cabbige, remove the core an’ finely shred the leaves in long strips. Place them in a bowl. Bring the foa tablespoonz of vinigga to boil an’ poa ovva the shredded leaves. They will turn bright red awlmost immediately, stoa them in the fridge, they will stay crisp foa at least one ‘our.

Blanch the diced bacon by puttin’ it I a pan of wautta an’ bring it to the boil. Drain the wautta away and refresh wiv cold wautta. In a fryin’ pan ‘eat the oil and add the bacon until its sauted an’ crisp. Place the bits on kitchen roll to absorb any of the extra oil.

Foa the croutes, ‘eat foa to six tablespoonz of oil in the fryin’ pan that you have just used foa the bacon an’ fry slices of the baguette on bowf sides until they is goldin braan. Place them on some paper to absorb the extra oil: you needs about twenty foa slices.

To make the dressin’ whisk the mustard, vinigga, sawlt an’ peppa an’ garlic. Gradually add the oil until the mixture emulsifies. Season to taste.

Just befoa serving’, mix the vinigraite in the cabbige to moisten an’ flavva. To serve: arrange the washed an’ dried lettice leaves on six large plates an’ pile the cabbige in a mound on top. Place the croutes on the lettice leaves at regular intervals. Sprinkul the bacon on the cabbige an’ laastly scrape on the Roquefort cheese with a fawk so that each portion ‘as white an’ green parts of the cheese. Serve straight away to appreciate awl of the flavvas.

Cockney Nick's Famous recipees

 I am goin' to Fraance today foa moa research for mi noo recipee book which will be published around Christmas.                                  

                                 Cockney Nick’s famous Recipees.

But, befoa you can make anyfink you needs to know ‘ow to measure… This my simpul guide to proppa measurin’.

                           

                           Imperial                                                             Metric

·  2 paand…………………………………………1kg

·  1 paand…………………………………………500grms

·  Arf a paand…………………………………….250grms

·  Quawta paand………………………………….150grms

·  Firty ounzes……………………………………800grms

·  Foateen ounzes………………………………....396grms

·  Foa ounzes……………………………………...100grms

·  Free ounzes………………………………………75grms

·  2 pintz…………………………………………..1200ml

·  1 pint……………………………………………..600ml

·  Arf a pint…………………………………………300ml

·  Quawtta pint…...…………………………………150ml

·  1 glaas……………………………………………..50ml

·  Arf ‘ova glaas……………………………………...25ml

·  Tablespoonz…………………………………….…15ml

·  Teespoonz……………………………………….….5ml

·  Arf ova teespoon………………………………….2.5ml

·  Slices, fick oa fin…………………………8mm or 4 mm

·  ‘erbs, outa the gardin oa dry………………..fresh or dry

·  Smoall oa laarge as in appuls………..small or large fruit

·  Wittle oa big as in potaatas…………..little or large vege

·  Flowa………………………………………………Flour

·  Powda…………………………………ground seasoning

·  Sawlt……………………………………………. sea salt

·  Peppa………………………………..milled black pepper

·  Wautta………………………………………………water

Uvva books in the Top Ten series

                               ‘Uvva books in the Top Ten Series’

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on DIY’…………..A comprehensive look into the do’s and don’ts of Britain’s favourite pastime. Nick’s advice is simple, don’t fackin’ do it, you are takin’ the bread out of the mouths of professionals.

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on caring for the environment’………..Fack it, let the green welly brigade look after it.

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on fashion’…………..Ultimate makeovers which should take ten years offa yoa your boat race. Including an intro by Lorraine fuckin’ Kellee.  

·‘Nick’s top ten fishin’ trips’……………Travel the world as Nick catches record breaking fish: the wild salmon of the Rio Negra in Chile, the lightening bonefish of the Caribbean, giant perch of the Sudan and monster catfish of the Soane.  Tackle, gear, bait an’ complete organised trips can all be purchased on line @ www.catchafishwivnick.com

·‘Nick’s top ten ways of making Wonga’…………..an exciting assortment of opportunities to make a fortune. These include, smuggling fags, booze an’ Viagra, fencing liberated goods, false insurance claims, pretending wot you are not an’ workin yoa bollox off.

·‘Nick’s top ten Cockney mates’……………….these include, Michael Caine, Jamie Oliva, J Kay, David Bowie, Guy Richie an’ ‘is bird, Mad Frankie Frazer, Anthony fackin’ Newley, Norman the Nonce, an’ many moa. Wiv ingratiatin’ intros by Joe Braan an’ Nigel Kennedy.

·‘Nick’s top ten ways of Shaggin’ birds’…………….Methodology drawn from all over the world. Indian, Thai, Tantric, Inuit, out of it, one bag, two bag, frees up. This volume comes with easy to follow diagrams, genuine colour photographs and a DVD which includes foateen minits of out takes.

 

Endowsments

  Without awl of mi mates I could not 'ave written mi book   

                                                   Endowsments   

Delia Smiff

Nick has definitely surpassed himself with these jewels wot he has sorted from all over the world. Using the finest ingredients, simple effective techniques, using clear concise language and possessing an astute grasp of what constitutes ‘good wholesome food’ he has created a timeless classic that hits the mark on every level. From the meekest most humble housewife to the most arrogant, self opinionated, excruciatingly over promoted Michelin starred chef his recipes should become an essential element of any kitchen. This volume is the ultimate ‘Kitchen Bible’. He is without a doubt a creative genius transforming the mundane into the exceptional. Nick is a rare find who can justifiably claim his rightful place alongside Fanny Craddock, Mrs Beeton and my self. He’s a great shag as well.

Come on lets be ‘avin’ you,  

All my love, Delia.  

Jamie Oliva.

I fink that Nick is loads moa wicked than wot I is. His recipes are just the tops an’ I regard ‘im ‘as a reel mate.Ee's a geeza  

Rock on, Jamie an’ Jools

Gordon fackin’ Ramsee 

I think that this cockney twat might just have something. He has obviously robbed most of my provincial basic recipes but given them a slight perverse twist. His love of fresh, home grown foodstuffs is admirable, an opinion that is not always shared by my colleagues, who probably feel that they have a more credible fuckin’ reputation but who constantly use products from fuckin’ supermarkets. Nick has a simple refreshing approach and sensibly avoids trying to be clever with ‘parcels, wrapped, steamed and roasted’, ‘marinades of lemon juice, garlic ginger and peppered chillies’,  ‘crushing, cracking, pureeing, vapuring’. He rarely uses terms such as, en cuit, a la fuckin’ dente, en gout, radical, wicked, as easy as fuckin’ that or ‘fuckin’ marvellous’. The food, the man and the passion scream out from all of his recipes

Thankfully, the only birds that Nick stuffs are his girlfriends.

All the fuckin’ best Gordon  

The Torygraaph

Such a refreshing change from the complications of the ‘exact science’, chemistry and training that has become dull and passé. Nick’s simplistic approach will blow vast holes in centuries of accepted procedures. Cast out the scales, measuring implements, temperature controls and timing. Undress, reveal and expose the myths. Enjoy the kitchen once more with Nick guiding your schway. Gestalt.

Hermoine Parker Richardson.

Intro

This is the basic intro to mi book.

Intro

What I ‘ave attempted to do wiv awl of these recipes is make it simpul, especially for awl of them fick sods in the norf. I ‘ave gavered ingredienz from awl ova the world an’ I been usin’ only the best produce to create ‘elfi food. The stuff ‘as mainly come from mi mates what inhabit evri cawnna of the globe. I imports the best spices from India, chillis from Mexico an’ pawn from Tieland. Onli the freshist vege from Europe goes into my meels; tomatas an’ olive oil from Italy, peppas, mushroomz an’ ‘erbs from Fraance, sausages, cabbige an’ moa pawn from Germany, an’ laastly, I gets mi   spudsz from Jersee. I gets noffink from Holland, Belgium Scandinavia an’ Spain becawse its awl shite. Pigs, beef an’ chickens is awl provided by mi mates who as organic, natural farms where the animals as a ‘top life’ befoa they are slawtered. Wet fish an’ crustacions comes from Billingsgate, the premier pisscatorial wholesale establishment of England, by way of Codfish Colin, the onli livin’ man who is fird generation man an’ boy daan the market.

I ‘ave chosen mi favorit meels from awl ova the world foa you to make an’ enjoy. If you make a bawls of ‘em the first time, you must be a right muppet oa a norverner, but don’t worry an’ ‘ave anuvva try next week. Sweet.  
I shall also be postin' some videos, in the near future!!!