Mi wiv mi Bangkok Lady Boys

This is mi posin' wiv mi Bangkok Lady boys. The one second from the left is mi favrit becawse 'ee givs the best 'ead in Tieland: the uvvas are OK but they ain't a patch on Eric.
Notice that I is embracin' the culture wiv a false bra an' stilletoes. To make it really lifelike we strap our bollocks an' knob in between our legs just touchin' the arse cheeks. From awl intents an' purpose we gotta proppa VW. The choice of lingerie is very important: it must be sexy but not trashy. We tend to use Victoria Beckham's 'dusky chuff' range of fongs, nipple bras an' them fings that 'old yoa stockins up. The group dynamics changes quite regularly especially when I am on mi lecture tour of WI's, Sally Ann soop kitchens, the old lady Buffalos in the US an' the French Foreign Legion Naffis. But on a break it is easy foa me to slip back into full character, just like wearin' an old glove. We can make abawt foateen laarge everi night foa just too sets: cushty.


There is just time foa a quick recipee. This is dead local to Bangkok but you can find the same awl ova Tieland.
First locate and gavva any conceivable insect inside yoa apartment. There  is goin' to be loads, spiders roaches, prayin' mantis, scorpians, beetles, witchity grubs, moffs, butterflies, big fack orf mossies an' daddy fackin longlegs.
In a wok heat free tablespoonz of engine oil. Add the insects foa too minits. Strain orf the oil an' serve them 'ot wiv Heinz toomata sawse. Bootiful

Colour in the faces of Nick

This is dead easy even foa fick norverners.
Use bright colours to giv Nick a character awl of his own. Assemble the colours on a tray befoa you begin. You will need, magenta, prussian blue, primrose yella, deep purple, vermillion, burnt umber, fire engin red, noddy grey, boiled shite an' black Nat.

Creeemy Carrot soop


Annuvva easy recipee but delicious particularly on cold nights.
Cut one laarge onion an' gently sweat until goldin braan. Meanwhile, dice one potato, foa laarge carrots, one stick of celery, one laarge tablespoon of parsley an' add to the onions. In a smoall cup mix one teespoon of Dijon mustard, a few grains of dried chilli, a splash of Worschesetta sawse, one teespoon of tomata puree. Take one concentrated chicken stock cube, that you have personally made an' stored in yoa freeza, an' dissolve in the vege mix; then add the cup of ingredients. The stock can be stretched wiv one an arf pints of wautta. Cook the vege until soft. Blend wiv a hand held electric whisk. serve wiv a dollup of light single cream.
I 'ave often used this recipee as an' excuse to visit one of mi birdss oo's husband worx on the rigs. He's normally away foa free weeks at a time so I givs her a cawl an' pop up wiv the soop. Gradually during the meel we usually experience a natural glow whilst eatin the soop; accompanied wiv cobs of mi 'omemade crusty bread, washed daan wiv a bockkle of mi favrit Cotes du Rhone, light, fruity, raspberry, slightly earffi the ambience in the room turns to fings carnel.
Don't get shirty, this arrangement suits boff of us. She has an opportunity to taste the best an' I get a break from mi norvern bint.

Italian Staple

Paasta

This again is made in similar way to the bread but is wivout the yeast which gives it the lift.

 

The diffrence wiv 'omemade Paasta an' store bought is tremendous. Once you establish the habit of makin' it you won't eat nofink else. Experiment wiv diffrent flowas, ficknesses an rememba there awl sorts of ways of cuttin' it. Not just strips but butterflys, foldin' it like ravioli, twistin' it an' pinchin' it. Be bold, enjoy!!

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Ten ounzes of strong plain flowa                   300grms of plain flour

A pinch of sawlt                                              a pinch of salt

Free eggs, free range                                       3 fresh free range eggs

One tablespoon of olive oil                             15mls of olive oil

Flowa foa dustin’                                            flour for dusting.

Put the flowa on a cold marble work surface, just like wot I’ve got at ‘ome, it cost mi free an’ arf grand, an’ that was trade. Make a well in the centre an’ drop in the free free range eggs. Usin’ the fingas draw in the flowa from the sides an’ mix thoroughly. Slowly add the oil until you ‘ave a soft smoove dough. Place the dough on a flowered surface an’ knead it until its silky an’ elasticatid. Roll out the dough to a fickness of a transparent old shirt, an’ I don’t mean a Billy oa an old Gay. Hang the sheet ovva a broom handle foa about ten minits until it ‘as dried a wittle. Roll the pasta up like a loose old swiss roll, cut it into strips. One eigth foa fettucine an’ a quawtta of an inch foa tagliatelle. Leave ‘em on the cloff foa firty minits befoa cookin’ in sawltid boilin’ wautta. Serve wivany of the boss Italian sawses, but not a lot, just enuff to add flavva to the pasta.

Cause and iffect

One of the main fings when tryin' to decide on a menu foa an important dinna is determinin' the 'balance' of taste, the ying an' yang. One course 'jigsaws' into the next an' so on: each compliments the uvva. Plannin' is very important to achieve the harmony of the eatin' rirual. It is not awl abawt presentation, chemistry, colour oa wavin' yoa fackin' arms abawt oa swearin foa iffect. Let the food do the talkin'.

In fact its a wittul like mi mate professor Brindley Huntswagga's hypoffisis regardin' the 'world economic markets'. He is the top dog advisa to the White house. He explains cawse an' iffect perfectly when discussin' the global world of finaance.

• “Stochastic behaviour in a deterministic system” is a scientific phrase of cawse and iffect. What it means is that everi particle in the earth’s atmosphere is linked in a chain of cause and effect so intricate that it is extremely 'ard to make accurate predictions abawt the behaviour of the system as a 'hole. The wevva forecaast for tomorra may be reasonably accurate. But the wevva forecaast for the following week will be much less so. An' everi now and then an apparent random whirlwind will catch the wevvaman awt as 'appened in the “hurricane” of 1987. This hypothesis is principally related to the economies of the world, particularly the connection between the American economy to that of the Chinese. This was evident laast week (01.09.11) where the butterfly in this case was the fledgling Shanghai stock market. A mere winged bug compared with those of the Noo York and Landon. But when the Chinese investors flapped on Tuesday, drivin' daan the Shanghai composite index by nearly 9%, the result was a storm, if not a 1987 style hurricane, in nearly all of the world’s markets. In one day 500 points was wiped off the Dow Jones whilst Landon plummeted by 150 on the FTSE index. In uvva words a slight hiccup can create such a ripple effect causing major complications many thousands of miles from the source of the original problem.        
•  So simpli speekin' if you make a mess of even the apertifs the rest of the meel wiil be screwed up. You might as well frow it inta the bin. But if you control the ripple iffect of 'gout' an' texture success is the onli outcome. End of.  

Jerky hot pot

Charquican (charqui, jerky hot pot, Chile)

This is a sophisticatid version of a classic Chilean vegetable stew finished wiv a flavva some fry up of ‘charqui’ strips of wind dried hunters meet prepared the old traditional way. If you can’t find ‘jerky’, steak that has been cremated on a barbeque, especially the stuff that my mate Vinnie is famous foa, can be substituted.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One fick slice of pumpkin                             1 large slice of pumpkin

One oa too carrots cut into chunks                1/2 carrots cut into chunky pieces

Foa to five smoall potatas                              4/5 small potatoes

Arf a pint of fresh cawn kernels                     300grms of fresh corn kernels

Arf a pint of fresh pees                                   300grm of fresh peas

One pint of stock oa plain wautta                   600mls of stock or water

Sawlt                                                               ground sea salt

To finish

Eight ounzes of Charqui oa Vinnies steak      225grms of jerky or burnt steak

Too oa free tablespoonz of oil                        45mls of olive oil

Too to free onions finely choppt                     2/3 finely chopped onions

One teespoon of crumbled oregano                5ml of crumbled oregano

One teespoon of paprika oa dried mild chilli  5ml of paprika or dried red chilli

One teespoon of cumin                                    5ml of cumin

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                salt and milled black pepper

Place awl the vegetables in a laarge roomy pot wiv the stock oa wautta, season an’ bring to the boil, turn daan the ‘eat to a simma, put the lid on tightly an’ cook foa foateen minits until the vege is nearly tenda.

Meanwhile pick ova the ‘charqui’ removin’ awl of the stringy sinewy bits an’ chop. Next, ‘eat the oil in a smoall pan an’ fry the onions until they are goldin braan an’ they ‘ave softened. Add the charqui an’ seasonings an’ cook foa about five minits until well blendid. Stir the contents of the fryin’ pan into the laarger pot, remove the lid an’ allow to bubble up reducing’ the stock. The stew should be deliciously moist but not soopy. Serve in bowls wiv pickled pearl onions an pebre chileno: a Chilean peppa salsa.


‘Pebre Chileno’

To prepare the salsa, pound free fresh ‘ot chillis to a paste wiv too tablespoonz of fresh corianda leaves, one tablespoon of oil, one tablespoon of choppt onion an’ a choppt an’crushed clove of garlic. This simple sawse is the dogs.

The many faces of Nick

Nick is a very complex character. With it's ups an' downs, highs an' lows, peaks and troughs he always tries to look on the bright side but sometimes the world deals him a shit butty.
He is a tough cookie but the ravages of time have taken their toll: lets just say although his face does resemble a road map he still has a certain craggy charisma that attracts the world's most beautiful women. But the phrase, flies around a turd does spring to mind.

Garlic Lamb


Use onli the best Charollais lamb, oa Inglish /Welsh Spring oa Saltmarsh, blade end arf shoulder. 
Slice too laarge cloves of garlic. Wiv a sharp kinfe make incisions in the lamb an' insert the garlic slices. Sit the joint on a bed of gardin vege plus a few sprigs of wild thyme finally addin' free tablespoonz of wautta. Cover the dish wiv foil an roast foa forty five minits at 190 degrees. Remove the foil to braan foa a further fifteen minits. Let the joint rest. This makes a fabulous Sanday dinna so make it special wiv awl the usual accompaniments: refer to preparation of vege from my earlier recipees.
A slightly 'eavier fruiy red wine could be offered to a disernin' pallette such as a 2009 Rully oa Givry but don't waste yoa time on norverners oo fink that 'Bulls Blood' has sophistication.  

Emmanuel of Tarascon

On one of mi very early visits to Tarascon, Bouches de Rhone, Provence, I met this character oo cawled 'imself William oa Emmanuel dependin' 'ow Inglish 'ee wanted to saand.By the way, befoa I starts to tell you abawt 'im I'll tell you a wittle abawt Tarascon. Don't eva visit becawse it's a proppa shitole. You 'ave probably 'eard the expression 'Fraance is Dog shit an' Deisel occupied by unfriendly, arrogant arseoles': well Tarascon has the lot. It is inhabited by ner do wells, seedy moronic slopeheads, filfy soap dodgers an' smilin', robbin' deceitful Gitanes. The streets are covered in evri conceivable type, colour an' texture of dogshit. Evri fackin' vehicle pens of dirty deisel, has multicoloured panels wiv interiors that chickins' wouldn't live in.Once magnificent, the majority of the civic buildins are fawlin' daan oa closed, filled wiv sleezy, junky squatters, their rooftops covered wiv Flyin' rats. Worst of awl the nearby Factory 'Tenbec Tommy' spews out toxic chokin' fumes coverin' the town in a blue fog. I, unfortunately spent seven years in this 'armpit' an' met some genuine good friends but awlso some prime cants. Billy Bob turned out just one of these cants, but I could quite easily giv you a fackin' list free pages long of uvvas oo awlso belong in the 'fack orf bin'.

Billy Bob Pigfucker 
I shall tell you this tale even though it 'as noffink to do wiv food. One of mi best mates, cawled Dave Braan, recently remindid mi of this arseole. We boff 'ad the misfortune of meetin' Billy daan in the 'Midi' back in 2002. Dave was a proppa fire bobby in those days but now 'ee sits behind a desk lookin' at motorbikes on the interweb pretendin' that 'ee's checkin' safety equipment an' evrifin.On Saturday nights 'ee used to drive the engine right froo the middle of Wigan where awl the norvern tarts would lift up their tops an' shout "Show us yoa 'elmit big boy!" 








I originally met Emmanuel/William when I stayed in his 'otel on mi first visit to Tarascon. I was lookin' to buy a property at the time, an' to be fair 'ee was very 'elpful regardin local procedure. An'  if noffiink else 'ee introduced me to mi long term mates Fabrice an' Papou Demery oo ran the 'Bistro Theatre': anyway that's anuvva tale which I can tell you abawt later.
Everifink startid ok; the 'otel was cleen an' tidy, William was 'elpful, 'avin good Inglish which 'ee 'ad learnt in Wormwood Scrubs on accaant of livin' in Ingaand bein employed as a mail courrier; but instead of deliverin' 'ee was robbin' the mail. Particularly the stuff that was destined foa Coutts bank. Banged up in the Scrubs foa eighteen momffs foa cashin' the cheques 'ee learnt 'is Inglish from awl of the uvva scroats that were bein detained at her Magestis pleasure. I can usually tell a bullshitter when I meets ones so I took awl of this wiv a pinch of sawlt. Nevva the less, enevitibly, foa awl of his 'elp 'ee wanted favours.
The first favour caused me to leeve mi laast meel in mi 'ouse, befoa I returned to the UK. At seven firty pm, 'ee cawled me to rescue 'im from 'Lulu's fackin' restaurant' located on the very laast smoal coastal piece of land that was the barren shitole known as the Camargue. He demanded that I should tow 'im back becawse his fackin' C15 had broken daan. I returned 'ome at midnight wiv mi tea in the dog. The promised gift of Gin an' lobsters nevva materialised the followin' day so I should 'ave realised that 'ee was a lyin' tossa. Consequently, ova a period of abawt free monffs 'ee requestid 'Ruddles beer', Glenfackinfiddic whisky, Ecclesfackin' cakes, Uncle Joe's fackin' mint bawls an a fackin' Donkey Jackit'. I 'ad 'ad enuuff by then so I fort that I would stitch the cant up by chargin' 'im fifty squid foa the Donkey coat that I had purchased foa foa quid in the UK. But the canni baasturd didn't bite so I was left wiv a coarse, badly made, workies garment.
Wittle did I know 'ee was doin' the same scam wiv mi best mate American Looffa oo was awlso bringin' 'im stuff back from the States at the same time. In Particular Looffa brought 'im  a 'Levis' bib an' brace. William proudly wore it awl the time. This completid the image of 'im just lookin' like a fackin' in bred extra from 'Deliverance': diddy, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong ding. The name 'as stuck. Evri time we tawlk abawt 'im we refer to 'im as Billy Bob Pigfucker, becawse that's wot 'ee fackin' is.

Garlic Soop

Soop de Pistou.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                                Metric (foreign)

One large choppt onion                                          one large chopped onion

2 tablespoonz of virgin olive oil                            2x15ml of virgin olive oil

A pinch of Carmagese sawlt                                  a pinch of salt from the Carmargue

Moroccan black peppa                                           milled Moroccan black pepper

Two diced carrots                                                   2 diced carrots

The leef tops offava swiss chard                            the leaves from a spring cabbage

One young plump ‘ead of garlic                            one fresh bulb of garlic

Foa ounzes of flagelot beens                                  200grms of flagelot beans

Foa ounzes of fava beens                                       200grms of fava beans

Foa ounzes of red an’ white coco beens                200grms of white or red coco beans

Two pintz of wautta                                               1200ml of water

One yella French spud                                            a large Maris Piper potato

One large bunch of Basil from yoa gardin             a home-grown bunch of Basil

One ‘elfi ‘elpin’ of parsley, fresh                           a handful of fresh parsley         

                                                  

This originates from the saaf of Fraance and was given to me, amongst uvva fings, namely the clap, by Brigitte, a bird I know who lives daan there. One time she invited mi raand for dinner startin’ wiv the soop an’ finishin’ wiv dessert’ on the rug in front of the fire. Them French birds definitely no ‘ow to keep a geeza ‘appy.

This soop is really the frog version of a ‘arty winta broff utilisin’ vege from the gardin an’ a range of locally grown beens. But, just like the frogs do, there’s shit loads of garlic in it as well.   

In a laarge pan, chop one onion an’ sweat in two tablespoonz of best olive oil seasoned wiv a generous pinch of Camargese sawlt an’ Moroccan black peppa. I bet you fort I was goinna say Moroccan black, as in dope, but if you, wants you could crumble a bit in to give it a lift. Chop an’ dice two carrots, the tops of Swiss chard an’ add to the pan when the onion is braan. Select a nice, young, plump ‘ead of garlic peel an’ chop arf offavit. Bung in the garlic, foa ounzes of fava beans, foa ounzes of flagelot an’ foa ounzes of white an’ red coco beans togevver wiv two pintz of spring wautta. Bring to the boil and then simma foa fifteen minits. Dice one of them yella French spuds an’ add to mix. Finally, crush the rest of the garlic wiv sawlt an’arf ovva large bunch of basil to make a pesto which then must be stirred in vigorously. Abawt two minits befoa servin’ dress the soop wiv the remainin’ basil an’ a ‘elfi ‘elpin’ of fresh parsley.

I aint sure if this soop travels becawse I dished it up to my bird once an’ she nearly gipped. So there was no cake foa mi that night.

I gotta mate, part two

 

Mi 48 inch Plasma HD ready screens the same. I can stand in mi kitchen, knockin’ up a Thai, an still see the colour of ‘urr eyes as she goes daan on ‘im. I got everi pawn channel goin’, sports comin’ out o’ mi ears, everi movie that’s evva been made, animal shows where they kill an’ eat eachuvva, istri documenteriz wiv reel peepul smellin’ of shit an’ noos befoa its even ‘appened ; I got em all free from Sky. A mate o’ mine is the MD at Sky: ‘ee gave mi the total package, an’ the tele foa a bag a spuds. Earlia, I’d been to mi mate who owns Costco for some wine foa mi dinna. I parts wiv a pony for twelve bockles o’ the best. So mi an’ mi bird are secklin’ daan wiv the Thai an’ a 50 quid red, watchin’ Ingird an’ Kurt tanglin’ in the spar baff, an’ befoa we knows it we’re boaf naykid on mi hardwood flowa bangin’ away like monkeys in Africa. I didn’t even taste the fird bockle I was fackin’ elephants, but I do remember she was a crackin’ shag. You can’t beat good wine from a good mate. 

 ‘ee’s a proppa mate. Not like this facker oo’s tryin’ to do mi out of wot is mine. I breaks mi ankle on site, froo no fault o’ mi own. I could lose 200 laarge on lost contracts, 30 big ones froo loss of earnings an’ they’ve only offered 50 grand: I told ‘em straight, you must be jokin’, you must fink I’m a right mug, you cant. Anyway, mi lawyer, oo’s a mate o’mine, reckons I should ‘ang on for a ton because they were lax on safety an’ I got ‘em by the bollocks. He says it don’t matta that I was still pissed from the night befoa an’ tripped over mi own bag, they still gotta wedge up. Let’s all go daan the Strand, ave a banana, knees up mavva Brawn. Fackin’ cushty. 

Yeah, I got plenty o’ mates”.

Smoal rabbits wiv nuts

 

Conejitos Ajiami (wittle rabbits, cuy, wiv garlic an’ peenuts)

This Peruvian meel uses any edible rodent but it is excellent with guinea pig, the rabbit of the new world. You will need to start the dish a day earlier to allow time foa the meet to marinate.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                                    Metric

Too paands of jointed mid sized rodent oa cuy         900grms of jointed rabbit

Too garlic cloves skinned can’ finely choppt            2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

Arf a pint of creem                                                    150ml of fresh cream

Too tablespoonz of crushed toasted peenuts             30/40grms of toasted peanuts

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                         salt and milled black pepper 

Foa the marinade

One teespoon of dried chilli                                      5grms of dried chilli

Too tablespoonz of oil                                              30ml of olive oil

Too tablespoonz of white wine vinnigga                  30ml of white wine vinegar

One teaspoon of ‘Achiote’                                        5grms of ‘achiote’

‘Achiote’ (annatto, racou, West Indies, uruca, Brasil)

This is collective noun applied to awl the berries of a smoall tree, originally gathered by the Brazilian natives of the Amazonian rainforests who used the red juice to decorate their bodies. When the Africans arrived they faand a new use foa the dye. Missin’ the flavvas an’ colours of home they used the berries to give ordinary oil the same colour as their beloved ‘dende’ oa palm tree oil.

When fresh the berries are a bright brick red with a light rose petal fragrance. As the seeds age they turn braan an’ lose some of their odour. They can be simply used as a colourant which is popular in Brasil, Chile an’ the Caribbean where the seeds which are ‘ard an’ not very palatable are infused in oil an then strained out.                                                        

Enuff of the lecture this is ‘ow to cook the ‘conejitos’. Joint the meet into bite size pieces. Turn the rabbit in the marinade, covva an’ leave ovanight. The followin’ day strain an’ pat dry the pieces. Grill oa barbeque foa five minits per side to keep the meet rare. To roast, place in a pre-‘eatid oven of 200C foa fifteen to twenty minits, then rest in the oven foa a furvva fifteen minits.

Bubble up the remain’ marinade wiv the creem to make the sawse. Poa ova the rested rabbit an’ serve wiv a sprinlin’ of peenuts. Easy to make an’ so so tasty.

Precious fings

What do you most dislike about your appearance? Becawse I enjoys myself awl of the time wiv booze an’ grub I’ve developed a bit of a kench. Its not like I’ve swallowed a beach bawl oa anyfin’ but the old love cushion is swellin’. In the Middle East it’s a sign of prosperity an’ wealf but in England it still seen ‘as the stigma of bein’ a fat bastard.

What do you never leave home without? I nevva leave ‘ome wivawt an extra pair of underpants. You nevva no when you are goina get lucky wiv the ladies cawse its smart to be able to change arfta a ‘ectic session. You got double insurance aswell, if the night befoa you ‘ad a dodgy Ruby there’s awlways the orfchaance that you may follow froo if you ‘appins to sneeze oa fart oa somefink.

Last Purchase. Durin’ a recent visit to Gods country I was walkin’ daan the King’s Road when I spots this gorgeous Victor an’ Rolf gold jacket, so I ‘ad to ‘ave it. It’s got a look of ‘stage ware’ but I can carry it off. Mind you I wouldn’t go daan to the Dog an’ Trumpit wearin’ it.  

Oldest item in the wardrobe. I have kept my favrit ‘Cacharel’ shirt from the seventies, it’s a bit fredbare but it ‘as become a symbol of my success. It was the first very expensive bit of smutta that I could afford. I bought it arfta I did mi first ceilin’ job foa Frank Lampard senior. He gave mi too grand foa two days work becawse I’d done such a wonderful job an’ ‘ee fort that I was the best mate anybody could ‘ave. Consequence is, Frank ‘as given me seasonal box seats, worf abawt too an’a arf grand, foa daan at the ‘Bridge’ evri year. I doesn’t go though becawse I’m Spurs froo an’froo. “Come on you Lillywhites!” 

Pets. I awlways consider mi ‘posse’ of Tie chicks as mi pets. They’re a cross between mi family an’ cuddly toys. They enjoy a bit of stroking, wear ‘ardly any cloves an’ could live offava birdseed.

Rib tickler

Pee an’ ‘am soop

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (foreign)  

One pack of dried pees                                         one pack of dried peas

One choppt carrot an’ one onion                          one chopped carrot and one onion

Two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil                        2x15ml sunflower oil

Grownd black peppa                                             milled black pepper

Two pintz of ‘omemade pig stock                        1200ml of homemade ham stock

One diced potata                                                   on diced potato

Two ‘andfulls of boilt ‘am, norvern shank           400grms of boiled ham shank

This is one occasion when you can use dried stuff becawse its proppa. In uvva words, dried pees which ‘ave been soaked ovanight. Anuvva vitul ingredient is yoa stock, which I shall explain ‘ow to make, below.

‘Am stock

If you’ve gotta a mate, like mi, who rears ‘is own pigs yoa laaffin’. ‘Jonnty the Pig’ ‘as got the best Glostta Spotz in norf Landan. Everi time ‘ee slawters one ‘ee sends mi a leg which I makes awlsortz outta, especially lovely stock. Once the leg ‘as been soaked an’ boiled I places the wautta in anuvva pan wiv, one onion, roughly choppt carrot, celry stick, bay leef an’ a bag of mixed ‘erbs; its proppa name is a bouquet garni, but you won’t know that becawse you’re a fick cant. All of this is boiled an’ reduced by arf. Frow away the vege bits an’ stoa yoa stock. Unfortunately, the best ‘am foa the soop is found on the shank of the pig, but we can’t get ‘am oa bacon shanks in Landan, so the onli way is to come norf an’ visit a ‘erbert butcher. Buy enuff that you can freeze so you don’t ‘ave to come norf too often. Mi mates who follas the ‘Spurs’ come norf when they are playin’ Wigan Affletic oa Liverpool so I tells them to stock up. They might as well go back wiv somefin’, becawse they’ll get battered at the football, unless they is palyin’ Man ‘U’, Man City oa Everton.

In a laarge pan sweat off a choppt onion, carrot an’ the soaked pees in two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil an’ grownd black peppa. Keep stirrin’ until the oil covers all the ingredientz. Add two pintz of ‘omemade stock an’ simma foa firty minits. Bung in one large diced potata foa a furvva 15 minits. Finally, drop in two ‘andfuls of torn ‘am from the shank an’ a ‘elfi portion of choppt fresh parsley. Sawlt to taste. But,

if, like mi, you’ve made enuff to laast a few days an’ becawse it becomes so fick by the fird day, there are awlsortz of applications foa the soop.

·Put a dollop in the bottom of a bowl an’ drop in an ‘ot Edwardses meat pie. Liberally sprinkul wiv vinegar an’ black peppa. Burst the pie an’ let awl the juices come awt. Fawk in some sliced picked onions an’ off you goes. Unbeetable.

·Buy a laarge barm cake: that’s a big soft bun abawt 6 inches across that norveners enjoy, an’ cut it in arf. Butta boaf sides wiv the pee soop an’ sandwich an’ ‘ollands meet an’ potata pie in between the 2 bits. Fackin’ beltin’.

·Usin’ left ova chips from the night befoa, that’s particularly ‘ard an’ crisp, dilute some of yoa soop an’ drop ‘em in. Apply plenty of vinegar an’ sawlt an’ then make up some butties wiv fick bread. Onli the best.

·When its really fick I uses it on the job to plaster up some cracks, its betta than polyfilla. Just remove an’ eat the ‘am.

Far eastern bread delights

Naan oa Leavened bread (Malaysia)

This traditionally baked plastered to the side of a clay ‘tandoor’ oven deftli peeled off when done. But you awlso can cook naan at ‘ome in a fryin’ pan. This recipe makes approximately eight to ten portions.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Nine ounzes of plain flowa                             450grms of plain flour

Eight fluid ounzes of wautta                           200ml of water

One teespoon of white wine vinnigga            5ml of white wine vinegar

Too fluid ounzes of full creem milk               50ml of full cream milk

One teespoon of shugga                                  5grms of sugar

One an’ a arf teespoonz of yeast granules       7.5grms of instant yeast granules

One teespoon of sawlt                                     5gms of salt

Stir the vinnigga into the milk and set to one side until the mixture fickens and curdles, foa foateen minits. Dissolve the shugga in foa fluid ounzes of wautta an’ sprinkul in the yeast. Set aside foa foateen minits to frof up.

Place the flowa an’ sawlt in a laarge bowl an’ ‘ollow out a well in the centre. Add the yeast liquid, soured milk an’ the rest of the wautta, mix togevva wiv cold ‘ands to obtain a soft dough. If the soft dough is too sticky add anuvva spoon of flowa. Knead the dough on lightly flowered surface until smoove an’ elastic, foa ten oa twelve minits. Place the dough in a greased bowl, covva wiv a damp cloff set aside foa one ‘our until it doubles in size.

Knead the dough again foa ten minits, roll into a long cylinda shape an’ divide into eight pieces. Roll each piece into a bawl an’ set aside foa firty minits to rise again so they become light to the touch.

Dust a cold surface an’ flatten the bawls wiv yoa fingas. They should be about a quawtta of an inch fick, covva an’ allow to rise again.

In a ‘eavy based griddle oa pan preferably wiv a lid, wiv no oil oa wautta an’ ungreased place each naan foa too minits each side, covverin’ each time wiv the lid. If not eatin’ immediately the naan can be cooled on a wire tray an’ stored in a polyfeen bag foa too days in the fridge an’ up to too weeks in the frezza. To reheat sprinkul lightly wiv wautta an cook foa one to too minits on each side in the fryin’ pan.

Only the best roast dinna

 

The best ever Sanday dinna

Ingredienz

Imperial (Proppa English)                                        Metric (This is bollox)

Free an’ a arf oa foa paand of best rolled sirloin         2 kilos of rolled sirloin or rib

One tablespoon of oil                                                  1x15ml spoon of oil

Carrots, turnips, Spring green, leeks, gardin pees      An assortment of seasonal vege

Free paand of Maris Piepa spudz                                1 kilo of Maris Piper potatoes

Foa the Yorkshire batta

Foa ounzes of flowa                                                      100grms of flour

Pinch of sawlt                                                                a pinch of salt

One beaten free range fresh egg                                    a beaten fresh free range egg

Two quawta pintz of milk                                             200mls of milk

Beef fat                                                                          a quantity of beef fat

Foa the gravy

Two tablespoonz of flowa                                             2x15mls flour

One an’arf pintz of spud wautta                                    800mls of potato water

Sawlt an’ peppa if needed                                             Season only when appropriate

There is noffink betta than a roast beef sanday dinna. I goes awl ova the world an’ take it from me the British sanday lunch is unbloodybeetable. You can stick yoa paella, spit roast goat, pizzas, carbonfackinara, fackin’chilli con fackin’ carni an’ duck a la fackin’orange up yoa arse, you can’t beat a top piece of British beef.

My beef comes from Butcher Bob, king of the Kings road, ‘ees a right gent. Arfter the beast ‘as been murdered it is hung foa firty days to tenderise an’ enhaance the flayva. The best cut foa the roast is ‘rib’ oa a ‘rolled sirloin’. The piece must be at least free and a arf oa foa paands in weight.

Seel the joint in an oiled an’ seasoned skillet and then place in the top of a pre’eated 190 degree oven, wivawt the fan. Nah then, this is the simpul secrit of cooking it just right. It’s an easy calculation; you wants five minits a paand plus fifteen minits foa the entire cooking period. Switch off the oven leaving the beef to stand until the oven cools daan. You can let the beef rest foa two ‘ours. The owtside will be lovely an crisp whilst inside the meat will be pink an’ tenda. If you wants yoa beef ‘well done’ oa, ‘tros cuit’ as the frogs say, you shouldn’t be eatin’ it becawse you are a tossa an’ might as well be eatin’ levva.  Important. Don’t forget to Poa off most of the beef fat an’ save arf foa the roawstas an’ arf foa the ‘Yorkshires.’

The proppa accompaniments foa the beef can be anyfink seasonal. Carrots an’ turnips mashed wiv butta, fresh spring greens, choppt sprinkled wiv virgin olive oil an’ crackt black peppa, parcelled roasted leeks wiv a sprig of thyme, minted gardin baby pees an’ lightly scrubbed noo jersee royals. If you want me to tell you ‘ow to cook any of those you might as well go to fackin’ Mc Donalds oa arsk Jamie fackin’ Oliva.

  

Proppa roawstid spuds

But, there is one vege that I shall show you how to cook properly, and that is roawstid spudz. Peel abawt free paands of Maris Piepa oa those yella fings you can get in Fraance. Cut them in arf an’ par boil’em wiv a pinch of sawlt. Poa off the wautta into a jug then rattle the spuds araand in the pan wiv the lid on. In a large roastin’ tin poa in some of the fat from the beef an’ get it very ‘ot on the stove. Bung in your spuds an’ coat ‘em all ova wiv the fat. They should be fluffy an’ sizzlin’ in the tin. Put them in a 180 degree oven until braan. Finally, rinse owt the pan wiv the spud wautta to get the remainin’ bits an’ save as stock foa yoa gravy.

The Yorkshire batta

At the same time as makin the spuds it’s smart to ‘ave the uvva arf of the beef fat gettin’ nice an ‘ot in the oven foa the ‘Yorkshires’. My mates muvva who lives in Barnsley gave mi this recipee foa the puddings which ‘as been ‘anded daan from generation to generation. She’s a lovely old bird called Olive Flowa, an’ that’s not a made up name. Siv foa ounzes of flowa an’ a pinch of sawlt into a bowl an’ make a well at the bottom. Drop in a beaten egg an’ quawta of a pint of milk. Draw in the flowa an’ beat until fick. Gradually, add anuvva quawta pint of milk until a creamy mixture ‘as fawmed. Poa the batta into the smokin’ ‘ot oil, place in the oven foa firty minits foa individuals an’ forty foa one big ‘un. In Yorkshire it is traditionally served befoa the main course wiv rabbit gravy. They do that becawse it fills them up an’ they don’t need as much meat, the tight barstards.

Makin’ the gravy, not sawse!

Whilst all this is goin’ on the gravy can be made. Lift awt the beef from the roastin’ tin an’ warm the juices on the stove. Add abawt two tablespoonz of flowa an’ make a ‘Roo’. Continue to stir the mix foa two minits until the flowa is cooked. Slowly add the warm spud wautta stirring regularly to avoid any lumps, to make the ultimit perfect gravy. It is permissible to add some seasoning but no ‘braanin’ should be necessary as the juices from the beef should well tasty. If you resort to ‘Bisto’ you want yoa bollox cutting off.

Time the meal to how and when you want to eat. Remember that the vege cooks at different rates an’ that the ‘Yorkshires’ an’ roawstas are cooked togevva an’ should be served at the same time.

Becawse you ‘ave probably been slurpin’ the ‘Chambertin’, whilst in the kitchen ‘an gettin’ pissed, it’s advisable to get yoa bird to carve the beef so that you don’t cut yoa bloody ‘and off. “I onli told you to blow the bloody doors off”. That’s Michael Caine in the Italian Job; oh, by the way, ‘ees a mate of mine.

That’s the best dinna that you will ever’ ave, ‘an I fink that deserves a twos up: so get yoa bird to get ‘er slag mate raand foa some communal ‘ole.