'appy Christmas to awl mi followas

This is just one off foa Crimbo. Not so much recipees as advice an loads of tips.


Top Tips
If you fink that you got 5 hours to prepare an' cook the meel in reality you will need 10, so giv yoaself loads an' loads of time.
Double check that you 'ave bought awl of the ingredients foa wot you is doin' uvvawise you'll finish up chasin' yoa arse awl day foa the missin' items.
Don't ave a drink oa a shag befoa you 'ave prepped evrifink. 
If yoa family buggas off to the pub befoa the meel make sure that they are back early so that they aint too pissed to enjoy your cookin'. There is noffin worse than a bladdered guest fawllin' in the food an' tellin' inappropriate jokes then swearin at yoa muvva.


OK. Startas. Any fish dish is tops becawse it don't fill folk up. Sea bass filits soaked in lemon juice, muscadet, chilli, black an' green peppa cawns, capers. Leave in the fridge ovanight an' garnish wiv corianda an' chopped chives.


Main Course. I prefer a gamier meet. Pheasant, duck, venison but especially goose are awl superb. There is loads of recipees awt there but consider this. Place the bird on top of vege, spuds finnli sliced, chopped onions, baby carrots etc.. the goose fat just leaks froo, faverin' evrifink. Foa the laast 15 minutes roast the bird seperate to crisp up. Bloody beltin'. It awlso means that you can sit on yoa arse foa foa hours 'avin a drink oa sex, whilst the bird cooks.


Dessert. I 'ate makin' desserts so I buys one from M an S an' tells evribody that I made it. Uvvawise I just plate up loads of diffrent cheese an crack open the Port. 
Wot evva you do, enjoy, don't panic an' good luck. I 'ope that you continue to reed mi blogs in the noo year becawse I got moa Top Ten recipees from awl ova the world. Cya soon, Nick.  

I need fame

• Andy Warhol said that evribody can be famous foa 15 minutes. It's true today moa than anyuvva time wiv awl of these delusional no hopers goin' in foa these X factor contests. It probably startid wiv that Welsh dragon, Maureen the learner driver: they put her on the box week in week out cawse she caan't drive a fackin' car. Then there was that fat git from Rochdale who was drawing 36 laarge in benefits, an' braggin' abawt it as she swallies a pint of Guiness daan the local. Two council properties knocked togevva to accomodate her foateen sprogs an her knuckle draggin' tatooed husband. 
• Eddie the fackin' Eagle oo makes a career out of fallin' offava ski jump foa the paast 20 fackin' years. That bird oos alwlways on crap morning shows, wiv  bokkle blond air, some days shes BIG an' uvva days she's BIGGER. When she don't get her own way she shouts at her guests oa tries to shag 'em. You know oo she is! she wears yeella dresses to make herself look smaalla, she's cawled Vannessa oa Davina oa Nina oa Sharon. I aint bovvered anyway becawse they are awl worffless: an guess wot, there is no way that the upstairs carpet is the same as the lounge.An' 'ow bad is this.... 
• Today I saw a bin man driving his wagon and guess what he was wearing. Fackin’ sunglasses, Ray Bans…'ee probably finks he's Jack fackin' Nicolson oa that dwaarff  Tom Cruise. I fort, what a c**t, you deserves a smack so I went ova , stopped 'is truck an' chinned 'im there an' then. Sorry to rant but it pisses mi off when these tossas are makin' a crust at the expense of my mates oo 'ave got genuine talent, like JK, fingy Lawson, mi mate out of Blue, The Feelin', the boys in JLS (except foa the one oo looks like Sammy Davies Junior), Cheryl Cole, Fabio, Jose an' mi best best mate Katie. 
• "I feel like Monica wiv a cigar"...I first heard this when I was in DC visitin' a mate, an' got mi finkin' abawt awl the uvvas oo 'as gained extraordinary notoriety wivout any real talent. The list is endless as I 'ave expressed above, but the 5 times gold medal 'olda is Victoria Beckham. Her paffetic solo singin' career afta leavin' the uvva foa fick slappers. Evrifing she does is pants. Designin' cloves, inventin' shite perfums an' soap, mogullin': an' then pretendin' she's posh an' can tawk proppa. I could nevva understand why she kept forgivin' David foa humiliatin' her awl the time by shaggin' awl them Spanish birds, but I suppose 'avin' no brain does 'elp. 
• Anyway here's a simpul but impressif way to make Melba Toast: this was the ultimate dinna party hors d'oef when served viw mi equally famous country Pate, which incidently can be bawt in most leedin' supermarkets like....Widl, Paandstretchas, Costcuttas, Wilkinsons an' B an' M.
• First cut the crusts offava Warburtons fick sliced an' toast bof sides. Take a flat sharp knife an' split the bread exposin' the fleshy inside. Finally, toast the remainin' sides. The toast will curl but thats the cute bit.This aperitivo was developed foa Dame Nellie Melba the New Zealand Opra singer oo was popular in the 1900's. I bet you didn't know that.

Corporit bullshit

I 'ave nevva 'eard as much as much nonsense spoken when I 'ave 'ad the misfortune of being employed by those faceless coporit gits oo run the 'city'. They sit raand behind their big fack off mahogany tables spoutin' on abawt fack awl, but tryin' to saand important when awl I wants to do is explain one of mi outstandin' recipees such as 'Makin' a cheese ommelit'  

Becawse these executif types caan't cook I treets them like norvern 'erberts by keepin' it simpul. 
Take too eggs out of the bax, then break in a cup an' add sawlt an' peppa. Beat them until slightly froffy. Heat a smaal amaant of butta an' vege oil in a hot pan then add the beaten egg. Turn daan the 'eat befoa addin' the grated 'mature chedda cheese'. When meltid, fold one half ova the uvva. Lift out of the pan an' serve wiv a light salad. piece of piss.


Meanwhile whilst I am explainin' to awl of these chinless wonders the beauty of even simpul foods they are bangin' on abawt: adoptin' “Blue sky thinking”, “Pushing the fackin' envelope”, “Taking the fruit from the lower branches of the tree”, “Leaving a minute carbon footprint”. Claimin' that “It is difficult to fly like an eagle when you are working with turkeys”, “granulisation”, “Takin' a helicopter view”: but don't forget to not use the term “brainstorming” anymore as it may offend people with a disability, the present PC terminology is “thought showering or thought cascading”. Definitely,  “One must attempt to square the circle”, "Bring somfink too the table". Most importantly, there is no ‘I’ in team.                              
I've nevva heard as much shite in my life when I am forced to perform at these corporate 'dos. When they have finished I hit's 'em wiv mi own 'omegrown philosophi. Look arseholes I say.... when in Rome do as the Romans do, when in Turkey, gobble”, an' don't forget “It all depends which side of the oxo cube you are looking at”. But mi coup de grace is "Don't let the same dog bite you twice!" Wiv that I leaves them open mouthed as  I leave wiv 5 tax free laarge in mi pocket. Cushty.

Grilled Madagascan Jabbis

 

Favourit 'ome cooked meel. Bein’ one of the most travelled, most experimental chefs in the world its difficult just ‘avin’ one but if I ‘ad to choose it would almost certainly be ‘Grilled Madagascan Jabbis’. I was ova there laast year, part ‘oliday an’ part work. Mi an’ mi local girlfriend were out on the boat bobbin’ abawt near a rocky outcrop just above a reef. This is ideal environment for the Jabbis. Befoa I knows it mi bird dives straight into the wautta, disappears foa abawt foateen minits an’ then resurfaces wiv two of the beasts. She then frows ‘em into the boat an’ swims daan again to eventually return wiv annuvva two. These prehistoric creatures are giant crayfish that grow to phenomenal sizes becawse of the local wautta an’ reef conditions: its somefink to do wiv the oxygenation an’ the micro phytoplankton that exist in the sea araand there. ‘Motolita’, mi bird then takes us off to the nearest island, builds a driftwood fire, boils a pan of salt wautta an’ bungs ‘em in. Awlmost instantly they turns from blue green to a wonderful bright sunrise red. Cleverly she kept one back to barbeque. My mate Vinnie is the best barbequer in the business but even he couldn’t surpass ‘Moto’. Split in arf an’ slightly smoked ova the brushwood fire, occasionally dripped wiv a mild chilli sawse they are just the dogs. Each animal was at least two paand, the ‘ead alone was as big as mi fist so they are an’ ample meal foa anybody. Arfta we had done the Jabbis wiv a bokkle of Montagny premier Cru we watched the most beautiful peaceful sunset an’ ‘ad a bit of ‘ole. Nah, that’s wot I calls eatin’.     

Career choice

• "Neets". This is a government description, principally referring to 16 to 25 year old male and female yooffs as, “Persons who are not in employment, education or training” The prediction is that this percentage will grow ova the years becawse immigrant workers are betta prepared to accept the job offas that the “neets” refuse. Wivvin this group there is a 'igh percentage of drug an' alcohol abusers, single parents, benefit fraudsters an' soap dodgers. Worse still none of these peepul can even boil a fackin' egg. 
• Moa recently they 'ave taken to the streets in protest at not 'avin anyfin. Naturally their response was to target awl the up market stores in the UK, smash the windas an' just take wot they want. Knock seven shades of shit awt of any one who got in their way, burn buildins' daan becawse they were cold, frow bricks an' concreete at the plod becawse they were asleep in their tranny vans, after which they videod awl of their antics foa fackin' yooootube an' twatter.Ofcorse awl the lazee, corrupt, fascist MPs were up in arms blamin' everi facker but themseleves claimin' that this "minority, disfunctional section of feral yoof aint representatif of Britain as a 'hole". "It 'as been the fawlt of previous goverments, lack of parental support, poor education, lack of local community buildin's, immigration policy, no moa free fackin' milk, mi granni's nick mi stash, mi trainers is too monffs old....etc..etc...It's awl bollocks becawse as a nation we 'ave encouraged the academically gifted at the expense of vocational opportunitees foa the fick sods who could 'ave been the next generation of joiners, brickies, plumbers. Awl respected trades that 'ave been neglectid foa firty years. Reep as you shall sow, sayeth the lawd.
• There are radical ways to solve this problem of free generations of thieving robbing parasitic spongers an' that is to cut any anti social male yoofs knackers off wiv a rusty saw an' charge a baby tax on any slapper oo 'as a child befoa the age of foateen. But I don't fink that it would pass European law oa slip under the radar of the green welly brigade.Mind you,I fink that I may 'fly this particular kite' during next weeks noosnight just to test the wautta.
• Anyway I shall put this right by teechin' these disaffected yooves 'ow to boil an egg. Take one egg awt of the box. Boil wautta in a pan, place the egg in the wautta foa too minits foa soft an' free foa 'ard. Now then, evin norveners can do that. 

Duck soop

 

Duck an’ Ginja Stew (Madagascar)

I’ve gotta a local bird ovva there cawled ‘Motolita’ who does this recipee foa mi evri time I visit. She says its an affrodisiac an’ becawse I’m getting’ on a bit I need a bit of ‘elp. Cheeky monkee.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                           Metric

Foa duck cuisses, legs, skin an’ fat left on       4 duck legs with the skin and fat left on.

Too red onions                                                  2 red onions

Eight cloves of garlic, crushed                         8 cloves of garlic crushed

Too an’ a quawtta paands of tomatas               1 kg of tomatoes, skinned and chopped

Too ounzes of ginja                                          50grms of fresh root ginger 

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Place the legs in a laarge pan an’ covva wiv wautta, simma uncovered foa at least one ‘our until the wautta ‘as evaporated an’ the legs are sittin’ in their own juices an’ fat. Strain off the fat an’ covva wiv a wittle moa wautta, Slice the ginja into julienne strips, skin an’ roughly chop the toms, skin an’ crush the cloves of garlic an’ cut the onions finely. Add awl of these ingredienz to the pan, simma foa twenty five minits until the legs are covered in fick marmalade sawse.

The strained fat can now be used to roast some potatas. Add some dried chilli flakes, sawlt an peppa an’ serve wiv the duck. It’s a very rich meel but sometimes you’ve got to treet yoaself.

Mi Norvern Bird

This is mi wiv mi Norvern bird Julie, she's fick as pigshit, has huge silicons, but she's good as gold: she's awlso is a good shag.Evri weekend she comes raand foa a curry oa a lenff of poawk; eva way she's 'appy. I don't let her stay to long becawse she's got this stoopid dawtta, Annussa oo's awlways moanin' on abawt 'ow her boyfriend oo can't keep it up on accaant of 'im bein' pissed an' off his 'ead on weed awl the time.The council have promised her a flat becawse she's expectin' her fird sprog an' there's not enuuff room at Juilies foa the foa of them an' the dogs. I'm 'oppin it don't 'appen becawse I'll be stuck wiv Julie awl week. They're awlright in smoall doses but I couldn't put up wiv an unsofisticated norverner evri day.