Precious fings

What do you most dislike about your appearance? Becawse I enjoys myself awl of the time wiv booze an’ grub I’ve developed a bit of a kench. Its not like I’ve swallowed a beach bawl oa anyfin’ but the old love cushion is swellin’. In the Middle East it’s a sign of prosperity an’ wealf but in England it still seen ‘as the stigma of bein’ a fat bastard.

What do you never leave home without? I nevva leave ‘ome wivawt an extra pair of underpants. You nevva no when you are goina get lucky wiv the ladies cawse its smart to be able to change arfta a ‘ectic session. You got double insurance aswell, if the night befoa you ‘ad a dodgy Ruby there’s awlways the orfchaance that you may follow froo if you ‘appins to sneeze oa fart oa somefink.

Last Purchase. Durin’ a recent visit to Gods country I was walkin’ daan the King’s Road when I spots this gorgeous Victor an’ Rolf gold jacket, so I ‘ad to ‘ave it. It’s got a look of ‘stage ware’ but I can carry it off. Mind you I wouldn’t go daan to the Dog an’ Trumpit wearin’ it.  

Oldest item in the wardrobe. I have kept my favrit ‘Cacharel’ shirt from the seventies, it’s a bit fredbare but it ‘as become a symbol of my success. It was the first very expensive bit of smutta that I could afford. I bought it arfta I did mi first ceilin’ job foa Frank Lampard senior. He gave mi too grand foa two days work becawse I’d done such a wonderful job an’ ‘ee fort that I was the best mate anybody could ‘ave. Consequence is, Frank ‘as given me seasonal box seats, worf abawt too an’a arf grand, foa daan at the ‘Bridge’ evri year. I doesn’t go though becawse I’m Spurs froo an’froo. “Come on you Lillywhites!” 

Pets. I awlways consider mi ‘posse’ of Tie chicks as mi pets. They’re a cross between mi family an’ cuddly toys. They enjoy a bit of stroking, wear ‘ardly any cloves an’ could live offava birdseed.

Rib tickler

Pee an’ ‘am soop

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (foreign)  

One pack of dried pees                                         one pack of dried peas

One choppt carrot an’ one onion                          one chopped carrot and one onion

Two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil                        2x15ml sunflower oil

Grownd black peppa                                             milled black pepper

Two pintz of ‘omemade pig stock                        1200ml of homemade ham stock

One diced potata                                                   on diced potato

Two ‘andfulls of boilt ‘am, norvern shank           400grms of boiled ham shank

This is one occasion when you can use dried stuff becawse its proppa. In uvva words, dried pees which ‘ave been soaked ovanight. Anuvva vitul ingredient is yoa stock, which I shall explain ‘ow to make, below.

‘Am stock

If you’ve gotta a mate, like mi, who rears ‘is own pigs yoa laaffin’. ‘Jonnty the Pig’ ‘as got the best Glostta Spotz in norf Landan. Everi time ‘ee slawters one ‘ee sends mi a leg which I makes awlsortz outta, especially lovely stock. Once the leg ‘as been soaked an’ boiled I places the wautta in anuvva pan wiv, one onion, roughly choppt carrot, celry stick, bay leef an’ a bag of mixed ‘erbs; its proppa name is a bouquet garni, but you won’t know that becawse you’re a fick cant. All of this is boiled an’ reduced by arf. Frow away the vege bits an’ stoa yoa stock. Unfortunately, the best ‘am foa the soop is found on the shank of the pig, but we can’t get ‘am oa bacon shanks in Landan, so the onli way is to come norf an’ visit a ‘erbert butcher. Buy enuff that you can freeze so you don’t ‘ave to come norf too often. Mi mates who follas the ‘Spurs’ come norf when they are playin’ Wigan Affletic oa Liverpool so I tells them to stock up. They might as well go back wiv somefin’, becawse they’ll get battered at the football, unless they is palyin’ Man ‘U’, Man City oa Everton.

In a laarge pan sweat off a choppt onion, carrot an’ the soaked pees in two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil an’ grownd black peppa. Keep stirrin’ until the oil covers all the ingredientz. Add two pintz of ‘omemade stock an’ simma foa firty minits. Bung in one large diced potata foa a furvva 15 minits. Finally, drop in two ‘andfuls of torn ‘am from the shank an’ a ‘elfi portion of choppt fresh parsley. Sawlt to taste. But,

if, like mi, you’ve made enuff to laast a few days an’ becawse it becomes so fick by the fird day, there are awlsortz of applications foa the soop.

·Put a dollop in the bottom of a bowl an’ drop in an ‘ot Edwardses meat pie. Liberally sprinkul wiv vinegar an’ black peppa. Burst the pie an’ let awl the juices come awt. Fawk in some sliced picked onions an’ off you goes. Unbeetable.

·Buy a laarge barm cake: that’s a big soft bun abawt 6 inches across that norveners enjoy, an’ cut it in arf. Butta boaf sides wiv the pee soop an’ sandwich an’ ‘ollands meet an’ potata pie in between the 2 bits. Fackin’ beltin’.

·Usin’ left ova chips from the night befoa, that’s particularly ‘ard an’ crisp, dilute some of yoa soop an’ drop ‘em in. Apply plenty of vinegar an’ sawlt an’ then make up some butties wiv fick bread. Onli the best.

·When its really fick I uses it on the job to plaster up some cracks, its betta than polyfilla. Just remove an’ eat the ‘am.

Far eastern bread delights

Naan oa Leavened bread (Malaysia)

This traditionally baked plastered to the side of a clay ‘tandoor’ oven deftli peeled off when done. But you awlso can cook naan at ‘ome in a fryin’ pan. This recipe makes approximately eight to ten portions.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Nine ounzes of plain flowa                             450grms of plain flour

Eight fluid ounzes of wautta                           200ml of water

One teespoon of white wine vinnigga            5ml of white wine vinegar

Too fluid ounzes of full creem milk               50ml of full cream milk

One teespoon of shugga                                  5grms of sugar

One an’ a arf teespoonz of yeast granules       7.5grms of instant yeast granules

One teespoon of sawlt                                     5gms of salt

Stir the vinnigga into the milk and set to one side until the mixture fickens and curdles, foa foateen minits. Dissolve the shugga in foa fluid ounzes of wautta an’ sprinkul in the yeast. Set aside foa foateen minits to frof up.

Place the flowa an’ sawlt in a laarge bowl an’ ‘ollow out a well in the centre. Add the yeast liquid, soured milk an’ the rest of the wautta, mix togevva wiv cold ‘ands to obtain a soft dough. If the soft dough is too sticky add anuvva spoon of flowa. Knead the dough on lightly flowered surface until smoove an’ elastic, foa ten oa twelve minits. Place the dough in a greased bowl, covva wiv a damp cloff set aside foa one ‘our until it doubles in size.

Knead the dough again foa ten minits, roll into a long cylinda shape an’ divide into eight pieces. Roll each piece into a bawl an’ set aside foa firty minits to rise again so they become light to the touch.

Dust a cold surface an’ flatten the bawls wiv yoa fingas. They should be about a quawtta of an inch fick, covva an’ allow to rise again.

In a ‘eavy based griddle oa pan preferably wiv a lid, wiv no oil oa wautta an’ ungreased place each naan foa too minits each side, covverin’ each time wiv the lid. If not eatin’ immediately the naan can be cooled on a wire tray an’ stored in a polyfeen bag foa too days in the fridge an’ up to too weeks in the frezza. To reheat sprinkul lightly wiv wautta an cook foa one to too minits on each side in the fryin’ pan.

Only the best roast dinna

 

The best ever Sanday dinna

Ingredienz

Imperial (Proppa English)                                        Metric (This is bollox)

Free an’ a arf oa foa paand of best rolled sirloin         2 kilos of rolled sirloin or rib

One tablespoon of oil                                                  1x15ml spoon of oil

Carrots, turnips, Spring green, leeks, gardin pees      An assortment of seasonal vege

Free paand of Maris Piepa spudz                                1 kilo of Maris Piper potatoes

Foa the Yorkshire batta

Foa ounzes of flowa                                                      100grms of flour

Pinch of sawlt                                                                a pinch of salt

One beaten free range fresh egg                                    a beaten fresh free range egg

Two quawta pintz of milk                                             200mls of milk

Beef fat                                                                          a quantity of beef fat

Foa the gravy

Two tablespoonz of flowa                                             2x15mls flour

One an’arf pintz of spud wautta                                    800mls of potato water

Sawlt an’ peppa if needed                                             Season only when appropriate

There is noffink betta than a roast beef sanday dinna. I goes awl ova the world an’ take it from me the British sanday lunch is unbloodybeetable. You can stick yoa paella, spit roast goat, pizzas, carbonfackinara, fackin’chilli con fackin’ carni an’ duck a la fackin’orange up yoa arse, you can’t beat a top piece of British beef.

My beef comes from Butcher Bob, king of the Kings road, ‘ees a right gent. Arfter the beast ‘as been murdered it is hung foa firty days to tenderise an’ enhaance the flayva. The best cut foa the roast is ‘rib’ oa a ‘rolled sirloin’. The piece must be at least free and a arf oa foa paands in weight.

Seel the joint in an oiled an’ seasoned skillet and then place in the top of a pre’eated 190 degree oven, wivawt the fan. Nah then, this is the simpul secrit of cooking it just right. It’s an easy calculation; you wants five minits a paand plus fifteen minits foa the entire cooking period. Switch off the oven leaving the beef to stand until the oven cools daan. You can let the beef rest foa two ‘ours. The owtside will be lovely an crisp whilst inside the meat will be pink an’ tenda. If you wants yoa beef ‘well done’ oa, ‘tros cuit’ as the frogs say, you shouldn’t be eatin’ it becawse you are a tossa an’ might as well be eatin’ levva.  Important. Don’t forget to Poa off most of the beef fat an’ save arf foa the roawstas an’ arf foa the ‘Yorkshires.’

The proppa accompaniments foa the beef can be anyfink seasonal. Carrots an’ turnips mashed wiv butta, fresh spring greens, choppt sprinkled wiv virgin olive oil an’ crackt black peppa, parcelled roasted leeks wiv a sprig of thyme, minted gardin baby pees an’ lightly scrubbed noo jersee royals. If you want me to tell you ‘ow to cook any of those you might as well go to fackin’ Mc Donalds oa arsk Jamie fackin’ Oliva.

  

Proppa roawstid spuds

But, there is one vege that I shall show you how to cook properly, and that is roawstid spudz. Peel abawt free paands of Maris Piepa oa those yella fings you can get in Fraance. Cut them in arf an’ par boil’em wiv a pinch of sawlt. Poa off the wautta into a jug then rattle the spuds araand in the pan wiv the lid on. In a large roastin’ tin poa in some of the fat from the beef an’ get it very ‘ot on the stove. Bung in your spuds an’ coat ‘em all ova wiv the fat. They should be fluffy an’ sizzlin’ in the tin. Put them in a 180 degree oven until braan. Finally, rinse owt the pan wiv the spud wautta to get the remainin’ bits an’ save as stock foa yoa gravy.

The Yorkshire batta

At the same time as makin the spuds it’s smart to ‘ave the uvva arf of the beef fat gettin’ nice an ‘ot in the oven foa the ‘Yorkshires’. My mates muvva who lives in Barnsley gave mi this recipee foa the puddings which ‘as been ‘anded daan from generation to generation. She’s a lovely old bird called Olive Flowa, an’ that’s not a made up name. Siv foa ounzes of flowa an’ a pinch of sawlt into a bowl an’ make a well at the bottom. Drop in a beaten egg an’ quawta of a pint of milk. Draw in the flowa an’ beat until fick. Gradually, add anuvva quawta pint of milk until a creamy mixture ‘as fawmed. Poa the batta into the smokin’ ‘ot oil, place in the oven foa firty minits foa individuals an’ forty foa one big ‘un. In Yorkshire it is traditionally served befoa the main course wiv rabbit gravy. They do that becawse it fills them up an’ they don’t need as much meat, the tight barstards.

Makin’ the gravy, not sawse!

Whilst all this is goin’ on the gravy can be made. Lift awt the beef from the roastin’ tin an’ warm the juices on the stove. Add abawt two tablespoonz of flowa an’ make a ‘Roo’. Continue to stir the mix foa two minits until the flowa is cooked. Slowly add the warm spud wautta stirring regularly to avoid any lumps, to make the ultimit perfect gravy. It is permissible to add some seasoning but no ‘braanin’ should be necessary as the juices from the beef should well tasty. If you resort to ‘Bisto’ you want yoa bollox cutting off.

Time the meal to how and when you want to eat. Remember that the vege cooks at different rates an’ that the ‘Yorkshires’ an’ roawstas are cooked togevva an’ should be served at the same time.

Becawse you ‘ave probably been slurpin’ the ‘Chambertin’, whilst in the kitchen ‘an gettin’ pissed, it’s advisable to get yoa bird to carve the beef so that you don’t cut yoa bloody ‘and off. “I onli told you to blow the bloody doors off”. That’s Michael Caine in the Italian Job; oh, by the way, ‘ees a mate of mine.

That’s the best dinna that you will ever’ ave, ‘an I fink that deserves a twos up: so get yoa bird to get ‘er slag mate raand foa some communal ‘ole.

I gotta mate, part one

 

Buoyed with the pleasures of the day we gathered at the Bowling Green to rejoice over a well earned pint but we were soon out shone by Cockney Nick who was about to deliver, his now famous, “I gotta a mate” speech, justly reminiscent of Martin Loofa Kings “I have a dream”.

                              

  

       “I gotta a mate”

“Yeah I gotta a mate for everifin’. When I goes to work in Landan we stays in mi mates ‘otel. Opposite ‘im theres the best Chinese restraunt in the world wiv the best Indian next to it. I know bowf of the owners, they’re mates o’ mine. Daan the road is the pub. The landlady loves mi; she cooks mi san-day dinna everi week, roast beef, potatas, spring greens, carrots, pees, gravee, an’ everifin: she’s a goa en-all. Wot I does is see mi mate Arffa daan at Billingsgate an’ I gets all, and I mean all, the best prime scotch, top jerzees an sparagrass from fraance: takes em up t’ Caff, the landlady, an’ she serves em up for mi an’ mi mates, in front of a log fire, lov-lee, an’ den I shags ‘ur, by way of sayin’ fanks. That’s wot mates is foa. 

When I gets mi noo merc I insures it foa £150 against tyre damage. When it’s nearly done I damiges the walls an’ gets em all changed. Normly they cost £287 but I gotta a mate at APS in Staandish oo’s willin’ to take a nifty fifty an’ right em off. I gets noo tyres an’ ee gets a bullseye; sweet eh? It’s like when I get mi car vallitid. I takes it to mi mate in Clayton street oo does it for firty an’ it comes back like braand noo. I ain’t nevva met im but ee’s a mate. Mind you, ee’s not as good as mi mate in Cobham who charges 300 quid. But, ee’s dooin all the footballers an’ all the rock stars of Landan an’ sometimes ‘ee charges ‘em as much as a bag o’sand. He’s makin’ a fortune but ee’s still a mate. Nevvamind, I know you just got a mowtta for 75 pawnds wiv istry an’ everifin but the last one I got was a one ownna, five fousand mile 325 BMW convertible, alloy 17 inch wheels, electric pack, levva, the lot, top o’ the range, it belonged to the missus of a mate a mine. I gave ‘ur a pair of Levis for it. Yeah, that’s right; I bloody nicked it foa a pair a Levis. She even giv mi a box to put it in. Naa, that wot I calls a result.

Risotto from the sea

 

Riscotto alla Marinara

Some peeple awlways worry about the amount of liquid to add to the rice so that it absorbs the correct amount wivout bein’ too ‘ard oa too soft; usin’ my meffod should ensure the best resultz evri time.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One pint of fresh mussels in their shells        600ml of fresh mussels in their shells

Foa tablespoonz of olive oil                           60ml of olive oil

One onion, choppt                                          1 onion chopped finely

Too crushed cloves of garlic                           2 crushed garlic cloves

Twelve ounzes of Arborio risotto rice            375grms of Arborio risotto rice

Free pintz of fish stock, ‘omemade                1800ml of freshly made fish stock

Foa fluid ounzes of white wine                      125ml of white wine

A few strands of saffron                                 a few strands of saffron

Twelve ounzes of peeled cookt prawns          375grms of peeled cooked prawns

Eight ounzes of scallops                                 250grms of scallops

Eight ounzes of prepared squid                      250grms of prepared squid

Sawlt an’ freshly grand peppa                        salt and freshly ground pepper

Too tablespoonz of choppt fresh parsley        30grms of fresh chopped parsley

Garnish wiv sprigs of fresh oregano               garnish with sprigs of fresh oregano

Scrub the mussels thoroughly under running wautta discardin’ any that are crackt. If you wants to fatten ‘em up, place in a bowl of wautta wiv some flour. The mussels absorb the mixture an’ tend to plump up and become moa tender. Transfer the mussels to a laarge sawsepan an’ wiv a wittle wautta bring to the boil until they open. Strain an’ set to one side, retainin’ the liquor but frowin’ out the ones that have not opened.

‘eat the olive oil in a laarge deep fryin’pan, add the onion an’ garlic an’ fry gentli until they are soft an’ goldin. Stir in the rice an’ cook ovva a low ‘eat foa one to too minits, stirrin’ until the grains are glistening wiv oil an’ almost translucent. Poa in some of the fish stock (you can find the recipee foa fish stock under ‘fish pie’) the reserved mussel liquid an’ the white wine an’ bring to the boil.

Meanwhile, soak the saffron in a wittle boilin’ wautta an’ add to the risotto wiv the prepared prawns, scallops an’ squid. Reduce the ‘eat to a simma an’ cook gentli adding moa fish stock as necessary until the rice is tenda an’ creemy an’ awl of the liquid as been absorbed. Stir in the mussels an’ season wiv the sawlt an’ peppa. Sprinkul wiv parsley an’ garnish wiv oregano.   

The best white wine wiv this meal is I Frati Lugana, again supplied by Valantino of Turin. My bird loves this meal becawse she likes to dress up like an Italian peasant pretendin’ that she is a virgin, innocent an’ coy. But, when I’ve got my second world war Gi uniform on she doesn’t put up much resistance when I sets about liberatin’ ‘er

Dried exotic meet

 

Exotic an’ Wild Meets (Latin America)

Durin’ mi travels froo out saaf America I quickly discovered that they had an abundance of dried meets from awlsorts of critters so I fort it was worf investigatin’. In the absence of reliable refrigeration the local Indians came up wiv the idea of dehydrating ‘meets’ to give them longevity. These arrived at the market place in the form of ‘cherqui’ oa ‘jerky’.

This is the most ancient way of preservin’ the hunters swag by simply trimmin’ his catch of fat an’ sinew then ‘angin’ it out to dry in the ice cold Andean wind wivout salt, preservatives an flavverins’. Once perfectly dehydratid it can be stored indefinetly an’ rehydratid when required. This awlso enabled the hunter, who could be in the mountains foa monfs on end to gather his booty an’ transport it this important source of protein to his market. Even the herdin’ animals of the upper Andes such as the vicuna an’ the llama could be treatid in the very same way.

Exotics, which could awlso include specific animals reared foa the table such as the many rodent types particularly the guinea pig oa ‘cuy’ (pronounced ‘chee’), a prolific breeder first domesticated by the Incas is still valued today. Certainly the ‘gringo’ traveller new to Peru would be startled to see these wittle beasts running araand under the table in rural households just as chickin’ oa rabbits might do; and whose meet is very similar in taste an’ texture. Argentina an’ Chile ‘ave the ‘Agouti’ a small rodent bred foa the table as are the laarger ‘Paca’, ‘Viscacha’ an’ the worlds biggist wautta rat the ‘Cabybara’, which awlso earned the dubious distinction of bein’ claassed as a fish by the early ‘Conquistadors’ so that it could be still eatan on Catholic faast days. Elsewhere, particularly amongst Amazonian peeples the turtle an’ tortoise are bowf considered good eatin’ when roastid in the shell oa baked in a erf oven. Bowf the meet an’ the eggs of Iguanas an’ snakes are still consumed in the country districts. They are sometimes offered on the roadside by urchins who try to sell ‘em alive to the tourists. They know that the dumb whiteman will release the creature which they can then quickly recapture an’ sell off again

‘Rodent meet’ is much like wild rabbit in taste, tenda an’ mild when young, but tuff an’ chewy when its mature. ‘Reptile’ has a stringy consistency close to the texture an’ flavva of chikin neck. Actually, it is indistinguishable from chickin when it’s used as a fillin’ in empanadas oa tacos where it is commonly includid.

The range of wild meets wevva dried oa fresh is awlways lean, low in cholesterol an’ full of the necessary nutrients, but it is not usually fed to children, the elderly oa the rich becawse it is understood to be over-fortifying an’ indgestible. Dried meet is best used sparingly, quality ovva quantity is awlways the best adage. If you get a chance to cook any rodent just fink ‘rabbit’. Don’t forget the saaf American rodents are ‘erbivores, are delicately flavvered an’ can be tenda as chickin. So my advice is, don’t knock until you’ve tried, a bit like a Bangkok Lady Boy.     

If you ‘ave smoall kids the likelihood is that will ‘ave eva guinea pigs oa jerbils as pets. Wiv a wittle persuasion an’ a trip to MacDonalds you easily sprise too oa free foa this next dish, a speciality of Peru.