Only the best roast dinna

 

The best ever Sanday dinna

Ingredienz

Imperial (Proppa English)                                        Metric (This is bollox)

Free an’ a arf oa foa paand of best rolled sirloin         2 kilos of rolled sirloin or rib

One tablespoon of oil                                                  1x15ml spoon of oil

Carrots, turnips, Spring green, leeks, gardin pees      An assortment of seasonal vege

Free paand of Maris Piepa spudz                                1 kilo of Maris Piper potatoes

Foa the Yorkshire batta

Foa ounzes of flowa                                                      100grms of flour

Pinch of sawlt                                                                a pinch of salt

One beaten free range fresh egg                                    a beaten fresh free range egg

Two quawta pintz of milk                                             200mls of milk

Beef fat                                                                          a quantity of beef fat

Foa the gravy

Two tablespoonz of flowa                                             2x15mls flour

One an’arf pintz of spud wautta                                    800mls of potato water

Sawlt an’ peppa if needed                                             Season only when appropriate

There is noffink betta than a roast beef sanday dinna. I goes awl ova the world an’ take it from me the British sanday lunch is unbloodybeetable. You can stick yoa paella, spit roast goat, pizzas, carbonfackinara, fackin’chilli con fackin’ carni an’ duck a la fackin’orange up yoa arse, you can’t beat a top piece of British beef.

My beef comes from Butcher Bob, king of the Kings road, ‘ees a right gent. Arfter the beast ‘as been murdered it is hung foa firty days to tenderise an’ enhaance the flayva. The best cut foa the roast is ‘rib’ oa a ‘rolled sirloin’. The piece must be at least free and a arf oa foa paands in weight.

Seel the joint in an oiled an’ seasoned skillet and then place in the top of a pre’eated 190 degree oven, wivawt the fan. Nah then, this is the simpul secrit of cooking it just right. It’s an easy calculation; you wants five minits a paand plus fifteen minits foa the entire cooking period. Switch off the oven leaving the beef to stand until the oven cools daan. You can let the beef rest foa two ‘ours. The owtside will be lovely an crisp whilst inside the meat will be pink an’ tenda. If you wants yoa beef ‘well done’ oa, ‘tros cuit’ as the frogs say, you shouldn’t be eatin’ it becawse you are a tossa an’ might as well be eatin’ levva.  Important. Don’t forget to Poa off most of the beef fat an’ save arf foa the roawstas an’ arf foa the ‘Yorkshires.’

The proppa accompaniments foa the beef can be anyfink seasonal. Carrots an’ turnips mashed wiv butta, fresh spring greens, choppt sprinkled wiv virgin olive oil an’ crackt black peppa, parcelled roasted leeks wiv a sprig of thyme, minted gardin baby pees an’ lightly scrubbed noo jersee royals. If you want me to tell you ‘ow to cook any of those you might as well go to fackin’ Mc Donalds oa arsk Jamie fackin’ Oliva.

  

Proppa roawstid spuds

But, there is one vege that I shall show you how to cook properly, and that is roawstid spudz. Peel abawt free paands of Maris Piepa oa those yella fings you can get in Fraance. Cut them in arf an’ par boil’em wiv a pinch of sawlt. Poa off the wautta into a jug then rattle the spuds araand in the pan wiv the lid on. In a large roastin’ tin poa in some of the fat from the beef an’ get it very ‘ot on the stove. Bung in your spuds an’ coat ‘em all ova wiv the fat. They should be fluffy an’ sizzlin’ in the tin. Put them in a 180 degree oven until braan. Finally, rinse owt the pan wiv the spud wautta to get the remainin’ bits an’ save as stock foa yoa gravy.

The Yorkshire batta

At the same time as makin the spuds it’s smart to ‘ave the uvva arf of the beef fat gettin’ nice an ‘ot in the oven foa the ‘Yorkshires’. My mates muvva who lives in Barnsley gave mi this recipee foa the puddings which ‘as been ‘anded daan from generation to generation. She’s a lovely old bird called Olive Flowa, an’ that’s not a made up name. Siv foa ounzes of flowa an’ a pinch of sawlt into a bowl an’ make a well at the bottom. Drop in a beaten egg an’ quawta of a pint of milk. Draw in the flowa an’ beat until fick. Gradually, add anuvva quawta pint of milk until a creamy mixture ‘as fawmed. Poa the batta into the smokin’ ‘ot oil, place in the oven foa firty minits foa individuals an’ forty foa one big ‘un. In Yorkshire it is traditionally served befoa the main course wiv rabbit gravy. They do that becawse it fills them up an’ they don’t need as much meat, the tight barstards.

Makin’ the gravy, not sawse!

Whilst all this is goin’ on the gravy can be made. Lift awt the beef from the roastin’ tin an’ warm the juices on the stove. Add abawt two tablespoonz of flowa an’ make a ‘Roo’. Continue to stir the mix foa two minits until the flowa is cooked. Slowly add the warm spud wautta stirring regularly to avoid any lumps, to make the ultimit perfect gravy. It is permissible to add some seasoning but no ‘braanin’ should be necessary as the juices from the beef should well tasty. If you resort to ‘Bisto’ you want yoa bollox cutting off.

Time the meal to how and when you want to eat. Remember that the vege cooks at different rates an’ that the ‘Yorkshires’ an’ roawstas are cooked togevva an’ should be served at the same time.

Becawse you ‘ave probably been slurpin’ the ‘Chambertin’, whilst in the kitchen ‘an gettin’ pissed, it’s advisable to get yoa bird to carve the beef so that you don’t cut yoa bloody ‘and off. “I onli told you to blow the bloody doors off”. That’s Michael Caine in the Italian Job; oh, by the way, ‘ees a mate of mine.

That’s the best dinna that you will ever’ ave, ‘an I fink that deserves a twos up: so get yoa bird to get ‘er slag mate raand foa some communal ‘ole.

I gotta mate, part one

 

Buoyed with the pleasures of the day we gathered at the Bowling Green to rejoice over a well earned pint but we were soon out shone by Cockney Nick who was about to deliver, his now famous, “I gotta a mate” speech, justly reminiscent of Martin Loofa Kings “I have a dream”.

                              

  

       “I gotta a mate”

“Yeah I gotta a mate for everifin’. When I goes to work in Landan we stays in mi mates ‘otel. Opposite ‘im theres the best Chinese restraunt in the world wiv the best Indian next to it. I know bowf of the owners, they’re mates o’ mine. Daan the road is the pub. The landlady loves mi; she cooks mi san-day dinna everi week, roast beef, potatas, spring greens, carrots, pees, gravee, an’ everifin: she’s a goa en-all. Wot I does is see mi mate Arffa daan at Billingsgate an’ I gets all, and I mean all, the best prime scotch, top jerzees an sparagrass from fraance: takes em up t’ Caff, the landlady, an’ she serves em up for mi an’ mi mates, in front of a log fire, lov-lee, an’ den I shags ‘ur, by way of sayin’ fanks. That’s wot mates is foa. 

When I gets mi noo merc I insures it foa £150 against tyre damage. When it’s nearly done I damiges the walls an’ gets em all changed. Normly they cost £287 but I gotta a mate at APS in Staandish oo’s willin’ to take a nifty fifty an’ right em off. I gets noo tyres an’ ee gets a bullseye; sweet eh? It’s like when I get mi car vallitid. I takes it to mi mate in Clayton street oo does it for firty an’ it comes back like braand noo. I ain’t nevva met im but ee’s a mate. Mind you, ee’s not as good as mi mate in Cobham who charges 300 quid. But, ee’s dooin all the footballers an’ all the rock stars of Landan an’ sometimes ‘ee charges ‘em as much as a bag o’sand. He’s makin’ a fortune but ee’s still a mate. Nevvamind, I know you just got a mowtta for 75 pawnds wiv istry an’ everifin but the last one I got was a one ownna, five fousand mile 325 BMW convertible, alloy 17 inch wheels, electric pack, levva, the lot, top o’ the range, it belonged to the missus of a mate a mine. I gave ‘ur a pair of Levis for it. Yeah, that’s right; I bloody nicked it foa a pair a Levis. She even giv mi a box to put it in. Naa, that wot I calls a result.

Risotto from the sea

 

Riscotto alla Marinara

Some peeple awlways worry about the amount of liquid to add to the rice so that it absorbs the correct amount wivout bein’ too ‘ard oa too soft; usin’ my meffod should ensure the best resultz evri time.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One pint of fresh mussels in their shells        600ml of fresh mussels in their shells

Foa tablespoonz of olive oil                           60ml of olive oil

One onion, choppt                                          1 onion chopped finely

Too crushed cloves of garlic                           2 crushed garlic cloves

Twelve ounzes of Arborio risotto rice            375grms of Arborio risotto rice

Free pintz of fish stock, ‘omemade                1800ml of freshly made fish stock

Foa fluid ounzes of white wine                      125ml of white wine

A few strands of saffron                                 a few strands of saffron

Twelve ounzes of peeled cookt prawns          375grms of peeled cooked prawns

Eight ounzes of scallops                                 250grms of scallops

Eight ounzes of prepared squid                      250grms of prepared squid

Sawlt an’ freshly grand peppa                        salt and freshly ground pepper

Too tablespoonz of choppt fresh parsley        30grms of fresh chopped parsley

Garnish wiv sprigs of fresh oregano               garnish with sprigs of fresh oregano

Scrub the mussels thoroughly under running wautta discardin’ any that are crackt. If you wants to fatten ‘em up, place in a bowl of wautta wiv some flour. The mussels absorb the mixture an’ tend to plump up and become moa tender. Transfer the mussels to a laarge sawsepan an’ wiv a wittle wautta bring to the boil until they open. Strain an’ set to one side, retainin’ the liquor but frowin’ out the ones that have not opened.

‘eat the olive oil in a laarge deep fryin’pan, add the onion an’ garlic an’ fry gentli until they are soft an’ goldin. Stir in the rice an’ cook ovva a low ‘eat foa one to too minits, stirrin’ until the grains are glistening wiv oil an’ almost translucent. Poa in some of the fish stock (you can find the recipee foa fish stock under ‘fish pie’) the reserved mussel liquid an’ the white wine an’ bring to the boil.

Meanwhile, soak the saffron in a wittle boilin’ wautta an’ add to the risotto wiv the prepared prawns, scallops an’ squid. Reduce the ‘eat to a simma an’ cook gentli adding moa fish stock as necessary until the rice is tenda an’ creemy an’ awl of the liquid as been absorbed. Stir in the mussels an’ season wiv the sawlt an’ peppa. Sprinkul wiv parsley an’ garnish wiv oregano.   

The best white wine wiv this meal is I Frati Lugana, again supplied by Valantino of Turin. My bird loves this meal becawse she likes to dress up like an Italian peasant pretendin’ that she is a virgin, innocent an’ coy. But, when I’ve got my second world war Gi uniform on she doesn’t put up much resistance when I sets about liberatin’ ‘er

Dried exotic meet

 

Exotic an’ Wild Meets (Latin America)

Durin’ mi travels froo out saaf America I quickly discovered that they had an abundance of dried meets from awlsorts of critters so I fort it was worf investigatin’. In the absence of reliable refrigeration the local Indians came up wiv the idea of dehydrating ‘meets’ to give them longevity. These arrived at the market place in the form of ‘cherqui’ oa ‘jerky’.

This is the most ancient way of preservin’ the hunters swag by simply trimmin’ his catch of fat an’ sinew then ‘angin’ it out to dry in the ice cold Andean wind wivout salt, preservatives an flavverins’. Once perfectly dehydratid it can be stored indefinetly an’ rehydratid when required. This awlso enabled the hunter, who could be in the mountains foa monfs on end to gather his booty an’ transport it this important source of protein to his market. Even the herdin’ animals of the upper Andes such as the vicuna an’ the llama could be treatid in the very same way.

Exotics, which could awlso include specific animals reared foa the table such as the many rodent types particularly the guinea pig oa ‘cuy’ (pronounced ‘chee’), a prolific breeder first domesticated by the Incas is still valued today. Certainly the ‘gringo’ traveller new to Peru would be startled to see these wittle beasts running araand under the table in rural households just as chickin’ oa rabbits might do; and whose meet is very similar in taste an’ texture. Argentina an’ Chile ‘ave the ‘Agouti’ a small rodent bred foa the table as are the laarger ‘Paca’, ‘Viscacha’ an’ the worlds biggist wautta rat the ‘Cabybara’, which awlso earned the dubious distinction of bein’ claassed as a fish by the early ‘Conquistadors’ so that it could be still eatan on Catholic faast days. Elsewhere, particularly amongst Amazonian peeples the turtle an’ tortoise are bowf considered good eatin’ when roastid in the shell oa baked in a erf oven. Bowf the meet an’ the eggs of Iguanas an’ snakes are still consumed in the country districts. They are sometimes offered on the roadside by urchins who try to sell ‘em alive to the tourists. They know that the dumb whiteman will release the creature which they can then quickly recapture an’ sell off again

‘Rodent meet’ is much like wild rabbit in taste, tenda an’ mild when young, but tuff an’ chewy when its mature. ‘Reptile’ has a stringy consistency close to the texture an’ flavva of chikin neck. Actually, it is indistinguishable from chickin when it’s used as a fillin’ in empanadas oa tacos where it is commonly includid.

The range of wild meets wevva dried oa fresh is awlways lean, low in cholesterol an’ full of the necessary nutrients, but it is not usually fed to children, the elderly oa the rich becawse it is understood to be over-fortifying an’ indgestible. Dried meet is best used sparingly, quality ovva quantity is awlways the best adage. If you get a chance to cook any rodent just fink ‘rabbit’. Don’t forget the saaf American rodents are ‘erbivores, are delicately flavvered an’ can be tenda as chickin. So my advice is, don’t knock until you’ve tried, a bit like a Bangkok Lady Boy.     

If you ‘ave smoall kids the likelihood is that will ‘ave eva guinea pigs oa jerbils as pets. Wiv a wittle persuasion an’ a trip to MacDonalds you easily sprise too oa free foa this next dish, a speciality of Peru. 

Moroccan stew

 

D’agneau avec abricots (Morocco), lamb with apricots

This meel is due to my direct contact wiv mi mate Mohammed who lives in Rabat on the western side of Morocco. The influences originate from the east brought ova by early slave traders an’ bandits. There is common feem that runs froo a lot of the food in that dishis awlways contain spices an’ froot, often rehyradit becawse of the severe temperatures which cawse a problem of hygiene. Ova the years ‘Mo’ has become a very close friend, he is generous wiv gifts of silks, beaten copper, tapis, jewelry an’ Moroccan black. He’s a great shag aswell. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Ingredienz 

Imperial                                                         Metric

One an’ a arf boned leg of lamb, cubed          750grms boned leg of lamb, cubed

Arf a teespoon graand ginja                            2.5grms of ground ginger

Free ounzes of clarified butta                          75grms of clarified butter  

too teespoonz of graand corianda                    10ml of ground coriander

one an’ a arf teespoonz of garam masala         7.5grms of garam masala

too teespoonz of chilli powda                          10ml of chilli powder

one ounz of graand almonds                            25grms of ground alomonds

arf a pint of stock oa chickin stock                  300ml of lamb or chicken stock

six plump fresh apricot                                    6 fresh apricots

one ounz of pistachio nuts                               25grms of pistachio nuts

foa tablespoonz of double creem                     60ml of double cream

Place the lamb, ginja, clarified butta, corianda, garam masala, sawlt an’ chilli powda in a laarge bowl. Cook covered foa ten minits then, stir in the graand almonds an’ ‘ot stock to cook foa a furvva ten minits. Simma foa firty minits on very low ‘eat.

Slice the fresh apricots, putting at one side. Add the pistachio nuts to the mix: if usin’ rehydratid apricots add to the mix at the same time but if they are fresh only add five minits befoa servin’. Simma foa fifteen minits until the meet is tenda.

Remove the lamb, nuts an’ apricots placin’ them on a warm dish. Stir in the creem to the sawse an’ poa ova the meet. Serve accompanied wiv saffron rice an’ KY jelly.

Posh pasties

 

Empadinhas (smoall powk pies)

This particular recipee is from Goa an’ originates from their colonial Portuguese past. I got loads of girlfriends an’ boyfriends in Panjim, but the lady who gave mi this dish and many others is proppa straight wiv a an husband an’ free kids. Her name is Joyce Fernandes, her cookin’ is famous frooawt Goa becawse aswell as stickin’ to traditions she ‘as awlso embraced the ‘contemporary’ in ‘er cuisine. These smoall pies can be faand awl ova the world wiv different names, such as in Chile an’ Peru they are cawled ‘empanadas’, in Brasil empada, in Argentina an’ Uraguay empadhinas oa pastel pies: but in Cawnwall they are a pasty. When the tin miners left to find work in other countries they took wiv them the ability to ‘eat on the job’ wiv dirty ‘ands. An’ so the pasty was invented. A fold of pastry envelopin’ a fillin’ of vegetables an’ meat became their lunchtime meal whilst in the dark, damp environ of the pit.      

Ingredienz

Imperial (Cawnish)                                                    Metric (Goan)

One paand of fatty powk (skinless an’minced)           550grms of lean minced pork

Six onions, choppt fine                                                6 onions cut finely

One tablespoon of oil                                                   15ml of vegetable oil

Foa the pastry

Eight ounzes of flowa wiv teaspoon of bakin’flowa   200grms flour, 5ml baking flour

Foa ounzes semolina wiv teaspoon bakin’ flowa        100grms semolina, 15ml baking

Free free range egg yolks                                             3 free range egg yolks

One an’ a arf tablespoonz of shugga                            20mls of fine sugar

A pinch of sawlt                                                           A pinch of salt

One tablespoon of butta                                               15grms of unsalted butter

Knead awl of these ingredienz until a soft dough has been formed. Do not use any wautta.

Grind to a fine paste

Too ‘ot green chillies, fresh                                          2 fresh mild green chillies

One dry red chilli                                                          1 dry red chilli

One inch of ginja                                                           a thumb of ginger

Six flakes of garlic, fresh                                               6 slices of garlic finely cut

One tablespoon of tamarind                                          15grms of tamarind

A pinch of cumin seeds                                                 a pinch of cumin seeds

A quawtta teespoon of turmeric                                    2ml of turmeric

Six black peppacawns                                                   6 black peppercorns

One inch of cinnamon                                                  15ml of cinnamon

Six cloves                                                                      6 cloves

Mix the minced pawk an’ spice paste well. Braan the onions in ‘ot oil, add the meat mixture an’ stir fry foa ten minits. Then add arf a cup of wautta, a teespoon of shugga, sawlt an’ vinigga to taste. Cook until the meat is done and dry. Dependin’ on the size of the pie that you wants to make divide the dough into equal measures an’ usin’ yoa fingas press these bawls into to the well greased moulds. Spoon in sufficient of the cooked meat, cover wiv a pastry lid an’ seal the ‘empadinha’ wiv beaten egg yolk. They can then be placed a preheated oven, gas mark foa foa foateen minits.

There can be many variations in terms of the fillin’ an’ the shape of the pasty. A vegetable alternative is acceptable foa them ‘green hippies’ usin’ a mix of potatas, carrots, onions, peas, beans an’ so on. In Chile it is common to find a folded pastry case filled wiv fish in a sawse, oa beef oa fackin’ Alpaca. In Fraance they would deny ‘avin’ anyfink as common as a ‘pie’, but they ‘ave ‘em, they just call it ‘en croute’. The feem is the same awl ova the world, it is foa the common man, it is simply a savoury filling encased in pastry.                                                             

Latin bread delight

 

Italian Bread

The Italians are only good foa free fings. Makin’ faast sportscars, ‘avin’ bootiful birds an’ makin’ bread, pizzas an’ pasta, evri fing else they do is shite.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                     Metric (lazy Itie’)

Arf ovva ounz of fresh yeast.                     15grms of fresh yeast

Too tablespoonz of warm wautta                30ml of warm water

Eight ounzes of strong white flowa            200grms of strong white flour

One teespoon of sawlt                                 5grms of salt

Too tablespoonz of olive oil                        30mls of olive oil

Free tablespoonz of milk                             45mls of milk

Blend the yeast wiv the warm wautta an’ leave foa ten minits. Sift the flowa into a laarge bowl an add the yeast, oil and milk. Bring the ingredienz togevva drawin’ in the flowa until a pliable elastic dough if formed. Knead the dough foa ten minits to increase the amount of air an’ the lightness of the mix. Place in a greased bag an’ place in a warm place foa an’ ‘our. Divide the dough into too pieces an’ knead foa a furvva five minits. Place the loaves on a greased baking tray an, bake foa twenty minits.

This is the basic recipe foa Italian bread oa foa a pizza base. But, the Italians have a habit of placin’ awl aorts of stuff in side the bread. Foa instance, you can awlways add moa olive oil, oa garlic, olives, walnuts an’ sesame seeds. They ‘ave different names but they are awl just a variation on a feem.