A hard lesson Hotdog.

Today I leave for Fraaance foa a monff to some gavverin', so it will be difficult foa mi to post any moa strories. But please check back in end of May foa moa.

Eddie had slept well in the bed provided. He had made a promising start but there was much more labour waiting for him as he dragged on his new boots then gathered his tools for the day's work ahead. After a light breakfast Roxanne presented the 'tasks for the day' list which Eddie stuffed in his jeans, leaving the kitchen, a little concerned at the matter of fact attitude of his employer: he had become the 'hired help', a common worker, someone to be ordered around, to be treated like any other. This did not feel at all pleasant.
To compound his doubts, arriving during the afternoon, was Candy, the last person he expected 450 kms north of Vallebregues. What could be the reason for this unexpected visit? Throughout the remainder of the day excuses were concocted to visit the house on the pretext of 'any further instructions, maam?' All that Eddie found was his latest tormentors huddled, chuckling over another bottle of Pinot Noir. By 7.30pm the tools had been cleaned, the boots were off, Eddie trudged back to the house for 'dinner'. Unfortunately he was met by the two ladies leaving for town, dressed to kill, barely acknowledging transparent Eddie.Returning to his rig firing up the chip pan he was faced with only Ollie for company. Sure enough he was awoken at 3 in the morning by the giddy, noisy homecoming of the treacherous hosts.
Eddie packed up the following morning finding it impossible to stay or request any explanation: he was heading south at 8.30am.He had been dealt a proppa shit butty.

Ikea hotdog.
Just up the road from Nuits Saint Georges is Dijon, the home of mustard but also a branch of IKEA. This dish reminded mi so much of wot Eddie had just been dealt. By the time that you have finished flowing through the yellow tracked river caves then paid for your wonderfully designed Scandinavian furniture just beyond the cash desks, the sign for 'fast food' approaches. 
On offer are the Swedish version of chicken nuggets and hotdogs plus a drinks of soda foa 50cents. The place is just bustin' wiv students arfta 12.30, each one carryin' at least too oa free of these delights. The ketchup, mustard, mayo are awl free. they don't arf dollop it awl ova. They continually return foa endless free drinks until they is bustin wiv 'E' numbers.
The 'dog' contains everfing that no one else would eat but it's slippery, elongated, lozenge shape wrapped in a very nasty bread roll fits perfectly into the mouth of any hungry, disernin' student. It could be a genuine shit butty: but after a shed full of ale from the night befoa it hits the spot; tis the ideal hangova cure. Believe me!!!

Nuits St Georges salad

After toiling around the place for a few days Eddie decided to look up Roxanne at Nuits St Georges. Upon his arrival he explained his connection with Candy who had suggested that Eddie's skills could benefit her establishment: cutting grass, mending fence posts, hanging gates etc...certainly the chateau had been neglected since the sudden and premature death of her husband; a little rough around the edges. It wasn't long before our intrepid DIY 'man' was pulling on a pair of  boots that had been left by his predecessor after which the creaky wheelbarrow was loaded with various rakes, shovels and spades. A temperamental lawn mower sparked into action, after being given the 'kiss of life' and Eddie was fast making inroads into the 'upper' field. As the sun set definite  improvements could be seen; Eddie had put in a decent shift. All that was required was a reward for his labours, which came in the form of a slap up evening meal liberally washed down with excellent a 2005 Pinot Noir.
Roxanne had been effusive with her appreciation of Eddie's efforts. Within a few days the place would be knocked into some kind of shape but would the rewards match the effort? His first night had gone well, the conversation flowed over dinner, Eddie exchanged tales of his travels, his appreciation of the varied French countryside, his strict budget, along with his frugal diet had all been discussed openly and warmly. Substantial progress had been achieved.

Hot vine tomato an' asparagus salad
This recipee I nicked from mi mate Jamie, but he won't mind becawse he nicked it from mi uvva mate Gawden. It is particularly important to onli use the finest quality vegetables so don't use the shite that you buy in crap, cheap supermarkets. In a deep fryin' pan drizzle some virgin olive oil an' bring up the heat gentli. Gather an' trim the vegetables: a decent bunch of asparagus, too cloves of garlic, foa shallots, a good handful of fresh thyme and finally the vine ripened toms. Place awl the ingredienz in the pan together, season an' wilt daan until the toms start to burst releasin' awl their flavva. Usin' a proppa blenda finely cut arf a fresh green cabbage, six leaves of fresh mint one complete chilli, season then drizzle the lot wiv moa olive oil. Both dishes can be served separately oa combined. Finally, shred fresh parmigano ova the hot salad an' consume wiv crusty bread an' a lighter red, Cotes du Rhone villages is the absolute dog's wiv this suppa dish

Eddie arrives in South Burgundy

Fast Eddie has decided to bail out of Les Bouches de Rhone and head norf wiv Ollie to the verdant agricutural landscape of South Burgundy. He has dipped out wiv Candy: it never really got off the ground, but has cemented relationships wiv Russia.
His trusty C15 has trundled norf at a constant 50mph towing behind him most of the frustratid french drivers who could not pass. During his journey he counted in excess of 50 waving french fists cursing the painfully slow English, 'petanque le merd and trou de cul' often heard as they streaked past.Nevertheless he arrived, all be it, two days late, carting 24 out of date lemon yogurts, some wilted celery and a huge sack of free onions. He planned to work at mi noo place foa a few days an' then head up to Nuits St Georges, hopefully graftin' on Candy's best mates vineyard. Her name is Roxanne; don't these Americans have the crapest names, in fact they inventid crap names back in the 50's wiv Rock, Burt, Charlton, Bing, Perry, Tyrone an' fackin' Clint.
Befoa his departure we had work to do locally: sort out mi vege patch, buy 12 chickins, one pig, too sheep an' borrow a cat from village stockpile to keep daan the rodents. Shelves needed puttin' up, a favrit foa Eddie, he just loves screewin' (couldn't resist), bangin' walls daan, stuffin rag wool in cavities, pumpin' out the well..etc..etc..In the evenin' I took him daan to mi favrit place. The bar on the campsite at Messeungne; cheap wine, good company an' boules. This is a proppa place, used by local farmers, city visitors from Le Creusot and Montceau les Mines, the place is awlways jumpin'. I have loads of tales about it which will have to wait foa annuva time: especially the one about Babette; now that's a proppa name, not a crap American name.
This is not a dish common to Burgundy but I knicked it from mi mate Gerard who's got a top restaurant in Chalon sur Soane cawled the 'Cathedrale' on Place St Vincent.

Caramelised duck breast with honey, lime and ginga sawse.
This is a really excellent twist on a traditional duck dish. The breast should be scored then cooked slowly, skin daan in a regular fryin pan foa 10 minits: pour off the fat an' turn foa a furtha 3 minits, remove from the pan. In a separate sawsepan add lemon zest and an 280 grams of shugga to arf a pint of simmerin' water. Meanwhile in the fryin pan, deglaze wiv arf a pint of good white wine (I use mi neighbours 'Champs de Perdris' chardoonay which is the dog's), then add the zest an' juice from one lime an' too tablespoonz of wild honey. When reduced sufficiently add the shugga syrup an' a good fum of gratid ginga. Befoa the sawse is poured ova the duck, peel an' skin annuva lime an' cut into segments an' drop in: make sure the pith an skin is removed, which can be a bawl ache so give that task to the missis becawse their smaall fingas are betta at those types of jobs.
Slice the duck breast then pour on the sticky, rich sawse. A simple accompaniment could be linguini oa noodles. Afterwards you could treat the missis wiv a few conjuguls.

Farewell Tarascon Soop

Eddie had been so helpful ova the paast few monffs. He had packed an' re-packed the trailer wiv awl the stuff that was bein stored in the Blanchesserie an' the necessary gear that was required in the norf. His relationship wiv Candy had gone well sour; her takin' moa than givin'. The onli positive to come out of it was a connection in Nuits St Georges, another American lady who had recently inherited a vineyard from her recently diseased French husband, who could offer Eddie some work clearing gardins, cuttin' hedgerows alongwiv other 'handyman' tasks.He decided that would search out this 'lady' when he was'up that way' wiv a bit of luck she won't turn out to be feckless flake like her friend in Vallebregues. But in the meantime, the final passing ova of the house had to be completed.
The people that bought the property had buggered up their own transit schedule: an to cut a long story short, they finished up movin' in 3 days befoa the final 'contrat de vente'. They stayed upstairs in the apartment durin' this period; Eddie an' I remained downstairs to finish off the minor details. She was from Russia an' he was from Fraance, an odd eclectic mix. She claimed to an 'out of work' architect who moonlighted as a pole dancer in the evenin's, he was a gardiner foa the local Duke at Chateau Montrachez, Les Baux de Provence.Her mother, pure 100% Russian, took to wanderin' around the house, smilin' unannounced, clutchin' a stiff vodka, speakin', a cross between French an' English. she looked like she needed a good time, Eddie smelt a challenge. So much so, that on the second evenin' he disappeared foa a couple of hours cementin' 'Gasnost'. It takes awl sorts.
To celebrate this union I fink that we shall have a delicacy made famous from the Russian front.

Eastern Front Soop.
Find a rotten cabbage, free black spuds, too soft onions; chop oa tear them up an' place in a dirty pan wiv a tablespoon of horse fat. Add too pints of stagnant water an' stir. Bring to the boil; leave the room foa 10 minits becawse the stench is unbearable. Give the soop to someone you have a problem wiv.

Candy of Vallebregues

After the sale of the 'unwanted' at the Sunday market I was virtually ready to transport myself and the 'precious' norf to saaf Burgundy. Eddie remained in the old house to mop up the remainin' sales of  the surplus furniture. Much of this would find it's way to the American lady, 'Candy of Vallebregues' who was desperate to supplement the sparse villa that she was rentin' as well as feebly negotiating her recent divorce from her 'selfish' French husband. She had been married for 12 years to a Burgundian wine buyer. Living in Dijon as the business grew she had become increasingly pissed off wiv the role of 'stay at home' housewife: so much so, as his life prospered, her's shrank.
Eddie, gratefully unloaded beds, tables, chairs and cupboards, at a very concessionary price; fixed up shelves, built and painted walls, awlso makin' sure that doors fitted properly. His meals count doubled, he spent less time in Tarascon more  in Vallebregues. Awl to no avail. Candy disappeared in the evening on a regular basis whilst Eddie babysat her two difficult children. She would return in the early hours wiv the simple explanation that she had been 'comforting an old friend': someone should write a song about that. For the first time, Eddie had misjudged a situation, misread the signals, he had been well and truly tuttled.
He had laboured on for the few weeks that I had been away, but I quickly realised that I had returned to a confused, dispirited Eddie. He needed cheering up.

Poires vapour aux Cidre.
This is traditionally a heavenly dessert dish from Normandy: they produce wonderfully sweet pears and their 'cider' is world famous, particularly the marque 'Escuisson'. Anyway, peel the pears, any sweet variety, leaving in the stawks. In a pan gentli simma arf a bottle of cider, arf a pint of water, 2 cloves, a stick of cinnamon, drop in the pears until they is tenda. Heat the oven to 180, cut the pears in arf an' place face daan on a bakin' tray. Sprinkle wiv braan shugga an' toast. They can be served wiv any sort of creme, light to fick, ice cream oa creme anglais, proppa custard oa even choclit sawse.
Eddie's humour had returned so much so that he felt that Candy should be immediately dipped in the 'celebrity shit bucket' along wiv 'Saint fackin' Bono', Sir Bob an' tree huggin' Sting. I agreed.

Lula departs: Vallebregues Chickin Potage.

Lula had onli been in Tarascon for one day befoa she had to return to Horadada. Eddie took her to the railway station, made his farewells with the promise of keeping in touch: typically this did not happen; like many of Eddie's relationships they are founded upon sand., repetitively self inflicted disintegration.
At the time of his visit I was, coincidentally, selling up in the saaf, havin' had enuff of the incescent summer heat, the permanent filth in the town, the constant rotting dilapidation of the buildings, the noisy disfunctional neighbours but, more importantly, I had won a contract to write foa a noo magazine in the Dordogne, a very pretty English place. So, I was faced wiv gettin' shut of of loads of shite that I had accumulated ova the seven years that I had spent daan here.
Eddie and I decided to stand a local 'Vide Grenier' at Vallebregues to unload most of this unwanted gear. Expertly, the trailer was filled wiv everifin that you would find, but not buy, at 'poundstretchers UK'. Having laid out our pitch we were swamped by serial 'flea market' shoppers. The stuff was so cheap we had awlmost sold up by midday. Stuffin' 120 euros in mi pocket I was ready to leave when this handsome young woman strolled by to ask in perfect french "how much is the bicycle?" Eddie commenced wiv the barterin', but as soon as he began to launch his pitch she realised that he was not french but actually hailed from Garswood, Wigan: she then confessed to bein' American, livin' an' workin' in the village. Eddie sold and delivered the bike cheeply; wiv the prospect of further sales in the very near future.

Vallebregues Chickin' Potage avec Tarragon.
This is a fabulous dish usin' cheap cuts of chicken such as thighs an' wings: the cuts that have bones foa extra flavour an' fat! Gentli fry off 100grams of bacon lardons fume creatin' some gawgeous oily fat. Dice the onion, garlic, green haricots, fresh peas, carrot, celery, sweet corn, potato an' torn lettuce (yes, lettuce) then add to the pan. Season, after addin' one pint of good vege stock, simma. Skin daan seal the chickin portions, in a separate pan, until goldin' braan: combine the two pans. Finely cut free spring onions an' a laarge bunch of tarragon to dress the dish. Serve wiv crusty bread an' love. Believe mi this is a cast iron leg opener.

My other blog

If you are interested in a unique restoration of a very special vehicle; the characters that made it possible, the successes and disasters of a 5 year project, then visit my other blog at www.nigeljosephparr.blogspot.com

Farewell Horadada,Ratatouille

After an eventful three weeks Eddie was ready to move on. This time he had a travelling companion. Lula had decided to accompany him on his return journey through Spain, avoiding many of the coastal routes, crossing the frontier at La Jonquera, then due east some 270 kilometres to Tarascon, Bouches de Rhone, befoa beginning his eventual slow trek north. By now, both were very comfortable wiv the relationship, no pressure, relaxed at ease wiv this undemanding, loose arrangement. En route Eddie re-visited the happier places that he had already past through, introducing Lula to his successes yet avoiding the troubled episodes. Even Eddie is smart enuff not to repeat mistakes.
Two weeks later he was knocking on the door of mi Summer residence in Provence. I was busy trying to make sense of mi most recent research regarding the melange of cuisine typical of the Midi region of Fraance. Eddie offered his twist on how this unique blend of plump peppas, succulent juicy fruits, vivid marbled pulses, virgin olive oil, exotic aromatic spices, sweet, dense white fish, abundant shellfish, lean, flavourful Luberon hills lamb; in fact some of the freshest produce in Europe, had created many of the renound dishes of the entire World. His rationale was purely historical. "Every country that bordered the Med wanted a piece; so after endless invasions by the Romans, Turks, Moors, Berbers, Gitanne and Spanish it's no wonder they were left with assorted bits of food culture: because in reality these people never left, they just changed their religion every time the next wave came along". I remarked that this was a naive, simplistic understanding; absolute bollocks, but deep daan I suspectid there was an element of truth.

Midi Ratatouille
This dish exemplifies everfin Midi. First, chop into strips, one green, red, orange and yellow peppas.   Finely chop one green chilli, two sweet red peppas, a full head of garlic, one large spanish onion, 6 plump, skinned, roman tomatoes. 
In a laarge frying pan, add two tablespoonz of olive oil an' gentli sweat the onions, peppas an' garlic wiv a pinch of sawlt an' black peppa. Having earlier prepared an aubergine by slicing, sprinklin' wiv sawlt, at least one hour befoa, pat the slices to remove most of the sawlt to remove the bitterness of the vegetable befoa addin' to the pan. Chop an' add the toms wiv an additional cup of passatta. The stock, must be prepared earlier, using one pint of a good vege based stock, supplemented wiv Worcestershire sawse, Dijon mustard, plus a little cayenne an' one cup of red wine. Simma an' reduce until evrifink is soft. To serve, scatta a big bunch of torn fresh basil; finally sprinkle a generous chunk of gratid Parmigano.
The colours, aroma an' textures are to die foa. This dish is perfect foa a noisy group lunch oa a romantic dinna foa two peeple who have travelled from afar.  

Horadada part deux

 

The 'clams' were just the start of Eddies relationship wiv Lula. Originally from mainland Spain Lula's family had moved to Biarittz during the persecutions of Franco. She had only returned to Torres de la Horadada during the sixties. The old family house was still intact but needed extensive modernisation; so much so she struck a deal wiv a local property developer who flattened the site, built three blocks of 3 story flats giving Lula 'block one' as payment for the plot. Lula awlways needed running repairs on the three apartments; Spanish builders being notorious for stuff not lastin' longer than free months. Shelves, cupboards, doors were continually fallin' off. This is where Eddie excelled. Exchangin' evenin' meals foa 'handyman' work.Needless to say one thing led to annuva an' befoa you noo it Eddie was welcomed to the bed. That's how 3 days became 3 weeks.Eddie was feedin' from 2 troughs.

Temperatures in this part of the world often dictate meal times, particularly in the evening. Usually food is taken well after 10pm; often light by way of nibbles, hors d'oefs, oa tapas. So I shall offer some of these tasty bites as an alternative to proper food.

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Tomato Bread. Lightly toast slices of a large baguette. Mix olive oil, crushed garlic, passatta oa puree an' then spread thinly on the bread.
Albondigas. Spicy meatbawlls. Add a variety of spicy herbs to minced beef an' gentli fry.
Patatas Bravas. These are simply made by roastin' spuds in a chilli tomato paste; then liberally sprinkled wiv black peppa. 
Chipirones. Smaall squid often lightly battered then deep fried. 
Chigalas. There are many variations on this dish. King prawns can be prepared in many different ways. Either steamed oa gentli pan fried in garlic butta, chilli tomato, a la piri piri, with mayo, soya, chutneys an' a variety of dips.
Chorizo. There are a multitude of spicy sausage but often finely sliced an' mixed wiv a dense white fish fillits, such as Bacalao, Merluza, Besuga oa Mero they are very complimentary.
Legumbres. A variety of vegetables are awlways offered. Bite size portions of Coliflor, Esparragos, Chompinones, Pimientos, Judias Verdes, a mixture of cebollos, sliced, pickled oa sweetened wiv shugga.
Alfajores. Foa dessert you can't beat these honey an' almond pastries; they are beautiful, perfect foa the end of a lovely evenin'.


Eddie didn't return to his rig that night.

Torre de la Horadada, Almejos

 

Located just west of Benidorm on the Costa Blanca is the smaall fishing village resort of Torre de la Horadada. Not yet discovered by other European travellers it sill retains it's old fashioned Spanish charm: so much so that Eddie found the perfect spot to locate his rig, on the expansive promenade, close to the harbour. Originally he planned to stay for 3 days but found that he was still enjoying the place after 3 weeks, for several reasons.After the third day the appearance of the Guardia Civil was understandable. Eddie has discovered that it usually prudent to vacate any spot between 2 to 3 days due to local prying eyes as well as the follow up by local plod. But, surprisingly his 'eco' explanation, respecting the environ, causing no harm to anyone actually won the day: so instead of the typical 'move on' sir he was welcomed and often, over following weeks, shared many a cup of coffee wiv the patrolmen. Eddie had found the idyllic 'camp', parked next to the beach where Ollie could safely run free, delightful sunrises, peaceful sunsets. It wasn't long before he noticed a lady who seemed to tread the same path each morning strolling from the village, across the prom to the beach. The morning nod progressed to the odd word, until they found each other kicking along the sandy path in deeper conversation. She was called Lula.

Almejos con riz burra.
Again the generosity of the local fishermen must be admired. Awlways willin' to offer some of their catch to grateful Eddie. Chop one onion plus 3 cloves of garlic an' sweat in a sawsepan. Make a light roux wiv flour then add arf a pint of white wine to create a milky textured sawse. Rip some tarragon leaves to add to the mix; then season gentli: put at one side.
Seal arf a cup of arborial rice wiv vegetable oil, then add one an a arf cups of wawtta an' simma until the the liquid has been absorbed: add a great big, pulsatin' knob of butta to glaze. At the same time pour in one kilo of almejos into the sawse until the shells begin to open. This dish actually serves at least two people. Eddie takes a leaf out of the local 'sampa' mentality and duly offers a portion to Lula as she passes by takin' in her evenin' stroll. The deep purple sunset is awlso shared. 

Barcelona Sausage special

Happy Yule to awl mi followas
Barcelona is a mere 90 kms from Gerona; a simple trundle daan the road foa Eddie an' his ancient rig. He prefers to remain in the hills above the city, anonimous, peacefully blissful amongst the 'garrigues' that surround the city. One day is sufficient to remind himself of the wondrous 'Gaudi' architecture that portrays the signature of the town. Eddie once confessed to me that that the very first time he clocked the 'Sagrada da Familia' he blubbered openly in full view unable to control the emotion of this very sacred place. Not of any religious consequence just purely daan to the majesty of the structure. This reaction did surprise mi: I awlways thought that norvern 'erberts did not possess one jot of sensitivity. I stand corrected. Another reason Edddie ventures into the city apart from re-viisitin' his mate Antonio Gaudi is to collect his box of vegetable goodies from another close friend Pepe who has one of the best stalls in the Boqueria Market just off the Ramblas. Returnin' back to hills Eddie prepares yet annuva simple peasant dish.    

Spanish Powk Sausage an' beanz.

Havin' gathered the generous  box of goodies Eddie's top prize are the spicy powk sausages and the various types of pulses awlso tucked away beneath the usual onions, carrots, celery, peppas, garlic, potatoes. 

Sweat out the chopped onions, garlic, carrots in a liberal dash of olive oil. Add the pre-boiled beanz (use the varieties on offer; haricots, coco, cannelini, bartolli etc....). Pour in one pint of good vege stock. Meanwhile gentli seal the sausage in a smaall fryin' pan. Add to the mix along with two diced potataoes. Place on a lid an' simma foa 45 minits. Serve wiv crusty bread. Look daan on the evenin' lights of the city  as the tears well up thinkin' about the 'Sagrada'. Dependant upon the ambient temperature the stew should last until Eddie reaches the Costa Blanca which he estimates is a few days travel. 

Juia, Paella

 

After exhausting his stay in Southern France Eddie moves over the frontier to the Catalunya region of Spain. The real rugged coastline of the the Costa Brava concludes after the beautiful tiny coastal villages of Reija, Aigua Blava, Sa Tuna, Llafranc and Caella de Parafruguell. these resorts remain undiscovered by the Brits who tended to go further south to the shithole towns of Palamos and Lloret. Thank Gawd for that as these lovely little places have not become tainted wiv fish an' chips, union jack's and Queen Vic pubs. Still, even now, very original, very Spanish.The surroundin' villages from the coast to Gerona have now been slightly overun by the Barcelona glitterati who own weekend village houses, thus keepin' the locals reasonably happy since the price of property reflects this interest: they sell up, more than willing to move to the city exchangin' basic village life foa urban squallor.
In one of these smaaller hamlits cawled 'Juia' lives two of mi best friends Marie Jose and Joachim. I introduced Eddie to them one summer and since then he awlways swings by on his way to the south to visit and enjoy Marie Jose's famous 'Paella'. They live in the old Priest house which they moved to in 1990 having had another large house closer to the centre of the village when they both worked in Barcelona. Recently they have been slowin' daan their work load so that they can spend moa time in 'Juia'. They are tops peeple: I recall once when I had bought a 'banger' in Fraance  which typically blew the head gasket just outside the village. At the drop of a hat they loaded Mi wife  an' I in their big fuck orf Merc van and drove us awl the way back to Tarascon. Anyway I digress; back to the Paella. It's a classic and very Catalan, not the southern puffta Andalucian  variety that usually includes some form of meet.

Marie Jose's Catalan Paella
It is very important to select onli the freshest of fish. Good strong dense white fillets of Dendiche oa Lenguado, large wholesome Langoste, rounded fat Squid. Other ingredients could include clams, mussels and other 'Mariscos'. The choice is yours, and it does depend upon availability that can be sourced at either La Bisbal oa Parafruguell fish market; the best in the region. 
Normally, Marie Jose cooks this dish outside on a make shift 'barbacoa'. When the pan becomes hot she adds 3 large chopped onions, a complete head of garlic to 5 liberal tablespoonz of vegetable oil. When the onions have sweated daan she adds 3 chopped peppas, green, red an' yellow followed by finely sliced choritzo plus dried chilli flakes (quantity depends upon taste but onli a few are required since the sausage contains chilli).
Whilst this has been goin' on Joachim has been producin' the brew that is added later which will cook the rice. In a pan heat 2 pints of fish stock water (preparation of fish stock can be found in mi earlier posts) then add a teaspoon of turmeric and a generous pince of saffron, sawlt an' peppa. Measure and add 2 cups of rice to the onion mix; when thoroughly mixed pour on the fish stock, bring to the boil. It is now very important to get the timing just right: experience is the onli correct answer. As the rice begins to 'turn' take the pan off the heat at the same time addin' the denser fish: as the minuts pass by add the rest of the 'Mariscos' when appropriate. There should still be liquid in the mix. Allow the paella to rest foa 15 minits.
Meanwhile, have annuva few scoops of wine whilst wavin' yoa arms around becawse you ain't got no Spanish an' yoa hosts don't have any queens. Let the food an' the company do the talkin'.

Collioure Sardines

 

Eddie leaves Tom and Greta for the sanctity of the SW coast oa West Med, as we say in the trade. His favrit place is the smaall coastal village of Collioure near Perpignon. There is onli one road in an' one out which makes it a nightmare in the height of season: but Eddie's trick is travel daan to the village at night when awl of the tourists have left the resort  returnin' to their 'Eurocamp' tents oa 'mobile homes' dependin' on how well fixed they are. Originally, the fishing village actually functioned but now there onli a few boats that venture out in search of sardine, shrimp, an' oddli enuff, 'crabs'. Each cottage has been painted a different quite vivid colour; this was to enable the fishermen to recognise their own place whilst being miles out at sea, by way of comfort an' a feelin' of security. Eddie was awlso told that the fisherman used to wear heavy, fick sweaters, not just against cold winter winds but becawse if they were swept ova board they would sink like a stone hastenin' their 'orrible drowin' deff. Gruesome oa wot?
Setting up by the harbour near the uvva smaall fishermen's vans Eddie would be camouflaged from pryin' traffic bobbies who were constantly 'movin' on cheeky tourists. He was awlso able to liberate the odd bag of sardines oa prawns oa anyfink that was offered by the generous local fishermen.

Simple Sardines
Roughly gut the fish an' skewer on thin driftwood sticks: the wood renders that extra bit of natural sea flavour that makes awl the difference. Rummage around the numerous, abandoned barbeque piles that have been left by wasteful tourists securin' sufficient fuel. Supplement the coals wiv some moa driftwood an' dried seaweed. Gentli cook the fish ova the wonderfully fragrant heat. Devour the spoils as the sunsets ova the harbour wiv several gaasses of dry white. It doesn't get much betta than that.

Sete and Cap d'Adge

 

Afta stickin' Ramunia on a flight back to Liverpool Eddie trundles daan the autoroute de Soleil using the free section around Nimes to Monpellier. Tying into the coast road east of Aigue Mortes by lunchtime he is approachin' familiar landscape near Sete. He has old friends, Tom an' Greta, who usually stay on the Canal du Midi for most of the year. They are a right queer couple; a mild functioning English drunkard with his butch brutal wife. Only last year she routinely hospitilized, the poor bugga, by breakin a few ribs an' damagin' his spleen. It takes awl sorts, some blokes seem to serve their penance by bein' beaten up by their loved ones.
Eddie's welcome is awlays warm, although since the latest violent attack he tends not to turn his back on the gracious Greta. Consumin' only enuff wine to stay compass he treads careful, foa the few days that he can tolerate. Laast year he loaned one of his 'special' made up bikes to Greta who seems to have misplaced it. Eddie suspects that she has flogged it off probably foa booze oa drugs. He ain't daaft. There is one savin' grace about his mate Tom in that he used to be a Top chef until he succomed to the demon liquor: in his laast job he set fire to his own barnet scatterin' the kitchen staff from everi exit.
Tom's signature dish: Rouget avec sauce de beurre et Chilli.


Make sure the fish are fresh, check out the brightness of the eyes an' the stiffness of the body; the stiffer the betta, as I am regularly reminded. Usin onli the fillets put at one side an' prepare the sawse. Gentli fry some chopped shallots in a tablespoon of olive oil addin' some dried chilli flakes an' season until goldin' brown. Mix in a tablespoon of flour to form the roux, then add one cup of decent white wine: local Costierres de Nimes is ok, just. Secondly, add some single cream oa creme fraise dependin' on your diet. Finally stir in a good, warm, big, knob of butta to glaze.
Gentli sear the fish fillets in a buttered pan, skin daan foa free minits then turn foa a furvva one minit. Arrange neatly on a servin' plate an' dispense the sawse. Foa gawds sake rememba that Greta may be on the prowl foa sexual gratification, which is awlways best avoided, so stay alert.

Canal Hopping Hotpot

 

Eddie spends a great deal of time followin' the Canal routes of Fraance. Today we find him on the Canal du Midi visitin' a friend who has a berth in the marina at Beaucaire, locatid in the Du Gard region of southern Fraance.His mate left England 10 years ago wiv his wife who died suddenly leavin' him on his own wiv very little money an' no will to live. There is a local 'Brit' population but they are mainly 'arseholes' who have bailed out becawse the wine is cheaper daan here an' they can stay permanently pissed foa pennies. Some of them claim to be artists but couldn't paint a khasi wall, ovvas are writers who can't string too words togevva an' worst of awl, some profess to be builders who couldn't be trustid to build a decent 'shit' in the bog.
Anyway, Eddie enjoys the canals becawse he's got instant access to wawtta to wash an' clean himself an' his rig. it is awlso the basic ingredient of cookin'. Not that he uses canal wawtta: the amount of crap that is just frown ovwerboard you would not believe, as well as deisel an' the local garbage that peeple jeterson on a regular basis.  After a forage at 'Leader Price' Eddie has the ingredients foa his famous 'hotpot' which he usually makes on Monday so that it laasts him froo the week.
'Meet Hotpot'  
Chop an' gently fry free onions in a pan wiv a little olive oil an' bacon bits. Dice 500 grams of 'shin' beef into centimetre cubes an' seal. Add arf a pint of beef stock an' simma foa 60 minits. Cut five carrots into chunks, foa celery sticks into the same an' anuvva onion then add to the mix. Meanwhile, peel an chop a bag of spuds. Pour in anuuva arf pint of wawtta, not canal, wiv the arf the spuds foa firty minits then add the remainin' spuds. Gently simma until the meet an' spuds is fallin. Serve wiv bread; leave the rest of the 'otpot' foa the neaxt foa days; by Friday it will resemble dog vomit but it will still taste bootiful. Make sure Ramunia has had a good dippin in the wawtta befoa tacklin' it foa the night.

Tarascon Magret

This place, Tarascon, is probably the armpit of Provence. Originally famed for it's King Rene Chateau, the Cathedral of St. Martha, the Portal St. Jean, the magnificent 18th century  ornate Theatre and it's fortified walls; it has become a sad reflection of it's important past. Unfortunately the striking town houses have fallen into disrepair occupied by 'renters' living off benefits. Subsequently the town Hall cannot support the infrastructure so streets are dirty, civic buildings shabby, empty and closed. But, both Eddie and I have some good friends that still persevere to dwell therein. Amongst them are Fabrice and Papou who run the 'Theatre Bistro'. Fabrice is a very inventive chef, I can't remember the number of times that I have robbed his recipees.
One other curiosity that the town is famed for is the legend of the Tarasque, a fearsome river monster; a cross between a lion and a crocodile with a huge 'shelled' back. This creature would periodically emerge from the Rhone to devour local maidens (it's bloody well welcome to um if you ask me; the town must have the ugliest women in the whole of Fraance). It was daan to St. Martha to sooth the beast after which a crowd of yoofs stoned it to deff. Things haven't changed much, the local yoof still have violent moronic tendencies. To celebrate the event the town commissioned a local artist to sculpt a stone effigy of the Tarasque which they placed outside the Chateau to attract tourists.
Eddie decided to mark the event his way by super gluing a giant plaster 'dick and balls' on the top of it's head. This he achieved at midnight when the town was asleep. It took the local Gendarmerie 2 days to chisel it off. Result.
Fabrice's Magret du Canard.
Place the Magret skin daan in a frying pan on a very low heat foa 15 minits. Drain off the fat an' turn to flesh side foa 5 minits. Remove from the pan and slice. Very pink. Serve wiv a green salad. Simple but brilliant.

Vallebregues omelette

Just north of  Tarascon in the Bouches de Rhone region of Provence lies the small village of Vallebregues. This smaall village is actually in 'Du Gard' becawse in 1960 a huge barrage construction was built diverting the mighty Rhone thus cutting off the village. The main purpose of the barrage was to provide hydro-electrical power as well as controlling the flood waters of the lower Camargue estuary. Anyway enuff of the history lesson the reason that I mention this place is becawse Eddie has anuvva favrit site foa campin'. Just beyond the village there is a a natural lake surrounded by a picnic area. Edddie usually pitches his  rig on the fringes of the site to avoid the curious enquiries of the local 'ner do wells'. During the day Ramunia enjoys swimming in the polluted, stagnant puddle whilst Eddie forages in the nearby woods foa mushrooms an' berries. Anuvva interestin aspect occurs around 5.30 every evening when the 'french forestry commision' water carriers swoop down to scoop the river filling their tanks for the following morning surveillance. These are ancient, bright yellow and red aircraft that are continually airborne vigilantly searching throughout the Summer months for bush fires. They rapidly drop from the heavans to within 2 metres above the water lowering a huge hose which sucks up the water, after which they ascend back to the vivid blue sky.
Eddies basket, by early evening, is bulging with fungi from the woods that surround the village; he has also secured a bag of peaches from the numerous orchards that are bountiful in the region. These ingredienz become the staples of the evening meal.


Mushroom Omelette followed by peaches an' custard.
Beat up foa eggs, wiv a little milk, in a cup an' season. Clean, cut an' prepare the fungi. If there is any concern regardin' the provenance of the mushrooms the local pharmacy will identify the wrong uns' so that you don't poison yourself to deff. Poa the egg mix into a heated greased fryin' pan, add the fungi arfta a minit oa two. Flip one arf ova the uvva an' turn. By now Ramunia has washed the peaches, cut them into quarters placin' them into Eddies only two bowls. Reachin' foa the 'Birds Custard' located in one of the storage compartments in the C15 she fondly reminds Eddie that this particular dessert awlways makes her frisky an' that he should prepare himself foa after dinner acrobatics. Eddies stirs the warm milk wiv added vigor befoa addin' the custard powda. Enjoy.

Pont du Gard Chicken

The Pont du Gard is one of these wonderful Roman miracles that has remained intact for centuries.actually the area has an abundance of Roman works from old roads to Coliseums: Arles and Nimes being magnificent in their own right, Glanumn at St.Remy de Provence is also quite breathtaking. Anyway, enuff fanny, Eddie visits the Pont du Gard on a regular basis as it provides washing facilities, namely the river. The water is perishin' but Eddie quite enjoys the freshness as it seems to emphasise his robust, conical 'bellend' that flourishes rather than shrinks given the extreme temperatures. He takes great pride swanking up and daan the crowded banks of the river proudly thrusting out his member.
There are not many pickins' to be found in the now very sanitised 'campus' so it is essential the supplies for tonight have been secured the previous evening. The 'Leader Price' at nearby Chateaurenard has been happy to provide sustenance by the bag load: they are awlways generous, gifting tasty goodies at the close of trading. Tonight it shall be 'chicken'.

Spicy Chicken in Tomato Sawse.


This meal consists of two arfs. Just like the Kaisers arse. 
The night befoa, In a smaall plastic bag, marinade the chicken thighs in a mixture of onion, garlic, one finely cut fresh chilli, lemon juice, thyme, bayleaf, sawlt, peppa, two tablespoonz of tomato puree, coriander, tumerick, sunflower oil, mustard seeds, fenugrek, an' two cardoman pods. Awl of these herbs an' spices can be located in nearby Beaucaire, from the vibrant Arab quawtta.
Use the marinade mixture as the basis of the sawse. In a hot pan reduce the mixture to intensify the flavours; then add sugar, wine vinegar plus moa heat in the way of chilli powder if you prefer, this is optional, whatevva suits. Mix one tin of chopped tomatoes plus one cup of chicken stock an' stir.
In a separate very hot pan seal the thighs until golden, then place them in the sawse. This must be simmered very slowly on a very low heat wiv the lid on the pan, foa at least one hour: it can be moa if you want the meat just to fall off the bone. I must say, and I 'ave discussed this wiv Eddie, that longa is betta becawse the sawse matures along with the chicken that still remains moist. 
There is noffink betta the a clean sweet smellin' Ramunia. Arfta a few dips in the Gard she is sweet as: bootiful.