Arepas, Central American breads

 

Tortillas, Masa Harina, Arepas, Masarepa (Mexico, an’ Central Americas)

Masa Harina an’ Masarepa are prepared flowas from lye treated, pre-cookt milled cawn, the raw material of ‘tortillas’ an’ ‘arepas’. Bowff are griddled baked flat breads of varyin’ ficknesses which serve the same purpose as other flatbreads, a food wrapper, a portable plate, spoon, fawk an’ edible scoop. Table implements are kept to a minimum in the ‘eat of the tropics foa practical reasons of hygiene.

These are the daily breads of the Saaf Americans.

Arepas

Andean cawn wiv it’s laarge starchy white kernels is used for makin’ Arepas. These bein’ ficker an’ therefore easier to make at ‘ome than Mexican tortillas, have crisp crust, soft interior but a very short shelf like.

To prepare bowff arepas an’ tortillas it is important to locate dried cawn kernels strippt from the cob. Soak in fresh wautta overnight wiv a pinch of ‘lye’, drain an’ grind into a mush. Knead wiv a wittle sawlt into a smoove soft dough. An alternative, is to locate ready prepared flowas which can be stored like any normal flowa. Masa harina an’ masarerpa are different from ‘cawnmeel oa polenta’ which has been processed. When the cawnmeel is treetid wiv ‘lye’ (limewash oa wood ash). It ‘as greater nutritional value, as proven in Africa where much of the cawn does not ‘ave this additive cawsin’ problems wiv the indigenous population. Of course you couldn’t tell Saint bloody Bono that when he started unloadin’ awl of this crap meel believin’ he was doin ‘em a favva: wanka.

When the basic flowa is mixed wiv it’s own volume of warm wautta, wiv oa wivout enrichin’ fat, it can be worked into a dough. This can be baked in the form of flatbread, oa used as an encasin’ pastry foa ‘empanadillos’, wittle pastries. Prepared harina is awlso the raw material foa ‘tamales’. These are dumplins made from harina plus an addition of free tablespoonz of fat an’ later steemed. In its most digestible form it can be eaten as ‘atole’, either a brof  based gruel made wiv milk, oa sweetened an’ flavoured with cinnamon, drunk ‘ot oa cold.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of masarepa flowa                        500grms of ‘masarepa’ flour

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300mls of water

Usin’ already prepared dough dampen the ‘ands an’pat out the masarepa to make flat cakes free inchis in diameter an’ a arf inch fick.

Bake on a ‘ot very lightly greased griddle. Remove as soon as the surface blisters black. Eat straight from the pan. In Caracas they like to eat them wiv the doughy interior pulled out an’ replaced wiv creem cheese oa ‘oney.

When they become stale which can be as quick as one ‘our treet as a left ova. Soak in milk oa brof (stock) to make porridge oa make ‘eggy’ bread. Tear the pancakes into pieces, dip in the beaten egg, fry until crisp an’ eat wiv chilli sawse

Proppa fulfilment. Nick's philosophi

•  “Gestalt” (gestald) a German term for enlightenment, the moment of understanding, a sudden awareness, discovering the perfect solution, Eureka. 'ow do human beens function productively an' perhaps achieve gestalt? The theories of intrinsic or extrinsic motivation: from within becawse of self motivation, innate drive or fulfilment or by external influences, moa pay? Carrot and stick management?
• I see loads of chefs bangin' on abawt disaplin an' 'get yoa fackin' act togevva, I'll cut yoa bollocks off an' put 'em in the soop along wiv yoa knob. You'll be awt the fackin' doa you arse'ole. This sort of behaviour I awlways finds contemptible. To fretin' peepul, especially the staaf pullin' awt their tripe aint the way that I would go abawt it. I would awlways folla the advice of mi mate Professor Hung Donkeyman Shentsone famed foa 'is theories upon how peepul fulfill an' acheive. It's noffin' to do wiv beatin' 'em wiv wet socks becawse lastin' personal drive comes from wivin. A personal belief in one's own ability nurtured by a positiv, supportiv workin environment not fackin' 'ells kitchin. Result. 
• This is cawled in the trade 'intrinsic or extrinsic motivation'. It's gawn out of fashion since Thatchers storm troopas smashed us liberal finkers into the dust an' that fackin' Gordon Gheko claimed that 'greed is good'. Fuck anyone else just as long as I claw my way to the top. Don't forget to pillage befoa you burn! 

Anuvva Roti

 

Roti Telur

Use dough 1 an’ 2 plus too eggs, diced cookt onion, sawlt an’ peppa.

Prepare the roti as above. Crack the eggs an’ beat lightly just to break the yolk. Roll the roti to a laarger seven inchis in size an’ place on an oiled pre-‘eatid griddle. Poa a smoall amount of the egg mix on the roti tryin’ not spill ova the edges. Scatta on some cookt onion an’ fold ova from one edge to anuvva to form a semi circle. Cook on bowff sides foa too oa free minits. Cut into wedges an’ serve.

There are uvva variations of this dish such as ‘roti planta’ (butta pancake), ‘roti bawang’ (onion pancake), ‘roti sardi’ (sardine pancake), ‘roti aiskrim’ (ice creem pancake), but try to invent yoa own fillins’ ‘sweet oa sour?’

'Ow to draw Papou and Fabrice

These are much easier to drawa so 'ave a go. The more that you practice the betta you will become.

Morue at Noo Year 


Mi bird Julie an I went to Fabrice an Papou's Bistro at Noo Year foa a celebration dinna. There was awl sorts of folks there from awl ova Europe; there were Belgique, Spanish, Italiens an even some from the eastern bloc: plus a table full of French Trannies. They was dresst proppa in gold lame frocks, silk scarves, fish nets an big blouses to cover the're rubba tities. They ad reel makeup wiv rouge an' bright red lippie: their wigs were foa to die foa, genuine hair tubblin' ova their shoulders like cascadin' fountins. As the night went on an the drink flowed I stuck a lip on one of the moa delicate ladies an we exchanged cards: you nevva know wot the future holds.
Anyway I digress. We had awlsorts of food that night but foa now I shall focus on the most traditional of noo years fare. Just like the norvern 'erberts 'ave lobbies on the stroke of 12 midnight, daan on the Med they 'ave this dish.
Morue is annuvva name foa cod; but it usually refers to the sawlt cod variety: this 'poisson' is quite common awl ova the Midi.

Morue is bought in complete, laarge filits sawltid an dried. Befoa cookin' it is neccessary to rehydrate the fish by soakin' it in milk ova night.This awlso removes awl of the sawlt.
The ingredienz foa the meel is simpul. The fish, potatoes, onion, sawlt, peppa, butta an corianda.

Poach the fish in a light stock, strip off the skin an flake. Boil the spuds an mash wiv a wittle milk. Chop the onion, gentli fry in a laarge pan until goldin; then add the flaked fish, spuds, fresh corianda, an season. Befoa servin' just melt in the butta. It saands like a heavy dish but accompanied wiv steamed chickin' an' Fabrices buggered vege even a sparra can eat it.
Mi norvern bird 'ad too 'elpins that night so her love cushion was the size of a beech bawl. Nevvatheless, we still had loads of fun bouncin' araand on mi king size.

Mi Thai Posse

This is mi Thai posse. Evri time I goes to Pattaya I teams up wiv them. We hang out togevva on the streets posin' an' poutin' like Victoria Beckham, the slag.

Awl of these birds is from Pataya becawse it' full of proppa Ting Tongs, Ladyboys, feeves an robbas.This is mi posse which I 'ave gavvered araand mi ovva the paast twenty free years. When I first went there foa a 'oliday I met Rita oo was workin' as an 'ostess in a local club. She introduced me to a totally noo way of life, most of 'er closest mates, a multitude of bizarre sexual configurations, shitloads of claass A drugs an' some incurable clinical deseases. I was awlso able to build up great contacts foa the legitimate importation of spices, peppas an' silks. Occasionally, I would discover enormous bags of weed at the bottom of a consignment which is the Tie way of sayin' fank you foa the trade.
Tie birds are great, they'll do anyfink foa ya, usually foa free oa  a few Baht, they don't get jealous so you can 'ave five oa six on the go at the same time: an' best of awl when they turn seventeen you can precure a foateen year old replacement.

Exotic Eastern breads

Dal Puris (Mauritius)

Try these three triffic eastern breads.

Yumm, Yumm.

Don't giv the norvern birds too much, they carry enuff weight anyway.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of ‘dal’                                         600grms of ‘dal’

Too paands of flowa                                      1kg of flour

One teespoon of graand cumin                      5grms of ground cumin

One teespoon of graand fenugrek                  5grms of ground fenugrek

Arf a teespoon of turmeric                             2.5grms of turmeric

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Wash the ‘dal’ an’ boil foa firty minits wiv the termuric an’ sawlt, drain, reservin’ the wautta, an’ puree. Add the fenugrek an’ cumin.

Sieve the flowa an’ sawlt in a mixin’ bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ add the reserved wautta a wittle at a time. Knead an’ make into a smoove dough, covva an’ rest foa firty minits. Divide the dough into ten even smoall bawls. Make an ‘ole in the middle of the bawl an’ add a tablespoon of the pureed ‘dal’ an’ close. Place the bawls on a flowered surface an’ flatten out into pancake size discs.

‘eat a lightly oiled ‘tawa’ oa griddle an’ cook the pancakes foa firty seconds on each side. Smear wiv oil an’ repeat to braan the puris. Job done.   

Parathas (India)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Too paand of flowa                                        1kg of flowa

One pint of ‘ot wautta                                    500ml of hot water

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Seive the flowa an’ arf a teespoon of sawlt into a laarge bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ carefully add one tablespoon of oil an the wautta in smoall quantities. Knead into a smoove dough, covva an’ leave foa firty minits. Divide into eight even smoall bawls an’ roll out into discs about six inchis in diameter.

Smear each wiv oil an’ fold twice to make a triangle. Sprinkul wiv flowa an’ roll out again. Cook in the same way as the Dal Puris. Piece of piss.

  

Samosas (Indian)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a paand of flowa                                      300grms of flowa

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300ml of water

Sawlt an’ oil                                                   salt and oil

Seive the flowa wiv the sawlt, add a tablespoon of oil an’ wautta carefully an’ knead into a smoove dough. Divide into ten an’ form ten smoall bawls. Smear wiv oil an’ dust wiv flowa.

Flatten an’ roll out to make discs of about foa inchis in diameter. Place the discs on top of each uvva dustin’ wiv flowa as it is built up into a foa inch pile. Lightly roll out the pile squashin’ the layers gentli togevva.

In a very ‘ot ‘eavy griddle cook the disc turnin’ regularly until it begins to bubble. Remove from the ‘eat, trim the ruff edges an’ separate the layers carefully. Cut the dough into foa by too inch rectangular strips. They are now ready to stuff: the most common stuffin’ is poawk an’ chilli onions but it’s fun to experiment wiv different fillins, so ‘ave a go. Fold to make enclosed triangular shapes.

The samosas should be lightly deep fried foa foa minits. Lift an’ strain off the oil on kitchin paper.   

                       

                       

Mi mates Fabrice an' Papou

These are mi mates from the Saaf of Fraance. They own a wittle bistro in a shitole taan cawled Tarascon. But their food is great an' I've been able to nick a few recipees offava them in the paast.

These are just a couple of them. 
Fabrices simpul but delicious salad.

This is really cheap so this why Fabrice givs it to you foa noffink. Wash an' shake several leaves of lettice; place in a bowl. In a glaas jar mix too teespoonz of walnut oil, one teespoon of olive oil, pinch of salt , black peppa, Dijon mustard an' a too slivas of Garlic. Shake until mixed, pour ova the greens. If you want to spike it up you can use a collection of different lettice but that awlways looks a bit pussy.

Lamb chops Provencal.

Buy the best lamb chops from a respectable butcher such Jean Pierre in Fontvielle. In a very 'ot fryin' pan wiv a wittle oil place the chops. Go outside foa a fag an' let the lamb cremate. Turn the chops an' 'ave annuvva fag. Chisel them out of the pan an' serve wiv wilted buggered vege. Believe it oa not the chops 'ave a wonderful flavva, cunchy texture but are sweet as.
The lamb are so puny in the saff it is the only way to cook these very fin chops. Incidentally it is the only meet that Fabrice buggers: he awlays refuses to serve steaks 'bon cuit' especially to the norvern 'erberts oo work locally in mi mate Braddies blanchesserie.

Too's up

This is Julie an' 'er best mate Saandra. Arfta a meel I sometimes asks Julie to bring raand 'er mate Saandra foa too's up, minge munchin' oa a bit of strpadictomy. She's a genuine too bagger but arfta a couple of bokkles of Gevry, several 6 inch spliffs a generous 'elpin of German Pawn it don't really matta. Hey mate, don't knock it if you aint tried it.

Time now foa a quick norvern recipee 


First walk into Wigan taan centre to the CPD (central pie district). Then purchase too Greenhalges Potato an Meet pies. Cross the road to gain access to the Market Hall to purchase too Edwardses balm cakes. Walk home quite quickly so that the pies don't go cold. Slice the balms in arf an' generously butta boff sides. Squirt on some HP, to taste, then place the pies on the bottom arf  an' then top wiv the uvva. Enjoy.

Pat Butcha

Favourit piece of furniture. That’s easy; it’s got be mi noo HD ready 52 inch awl raand saand flat screen. 

Best gift received. Without doubt it’s ‘elf, wealf, ‘appiness, good fawtune, an’ a Venetian glaas chandelier that mi first wife gave mi. It’s ‘and blown and was probably made in the firties.

Favourit item of clothing. There’s noffink better than slippin on a smart whistle. Paul Smiff, Christian Dioa, Gabbanna, Givenchy an’ that Japanese fruit who lives in Dublin, I got ‘em awl. But, mi favrit garment is a pair of old ‘Levis’ that I just hangs offava mi ‘ips, revealin a temptin’ inch of crack: that sends the girls wild.

Favourit films. Evri film that Michael was in, plus, King Kong, Olivier’s Richard the fird, The Dirty Dozen, The Bridge ova the River Kwai (cawse, one of mi Tie birds lives near there an’ it reminds mi of jungles, wautta an’ big leaves), the Rocky an’ Rambo series (but not that American ‘Get Carter’ becawse that was shite), Mrs Robinson, that film where that bloke says “Go on punk do you fink your lucky” an’ laastly Godfarva too. I don’t like noffink arfta 1990.   

If you were to die and come back as another person who would it be. I would want to be a cross between Michael, Ossie Ardilles an’ Pat Butcha.

Not just Mexico

 

Tortillas.

The daily bread of Nicaragua, Guatemala an’Mexico it is lightly milled, pattid by ‘and an’ cookt on a griddle oa a ‘comal’, an erfinware tawa.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of  maize kernels                          500grms of maize kernels

Too pintz of wautta                                        1ltr of water

Too teespoonz of quicklime                           10ml of quicklime

Soak the maize ova night in the wautta. Bring to the boil an’ cook foa one ‘our. The skins will turn bright yellow an’ loosen. Rub off the skins, rinse thoroughly, puree the resultant mush, ‘nixtamal’, in a ‘metale oa blenda until it forms a dense mass. Knead until a soft dough is formed, smoove an’ flexible. Divide into sixteen walnut sized bawls.

Flatten the dough bawls lightly an’ covva wiv clingfilm to keep them soft whilst you are workin’ on the pancakes. Pat an’ roll each bawl into a thin pancake about five inchis in diameter. Dampen the ‘ands in warm wautta an’ pat the dough alternatively ‘and to ‘and to thin out the tortilla. Pre-‘eat a griddle oa fryin’ pan an’ wipe wiv a cloff dippt in lard. Cook the tortilla one minit each side until the edges begin to curl. Save in a warm teetowel until awl of them are done.

To soften by re-‘eatin’ in an oven, wrap in tin foil, about six at a time, foa twenty minits. Anuvva meffod is to simpli re-‘eat on a griddle placin’ one on top of the uvva  until they are toasted on bowff sides. Serve wiv mashed avocado, affectionately cawled Aztec butta.

'Ow to draw Nick

'Ave a bit of fun tryin' to create Nick. It's a break from awl of his wonderful recipees but moa importantly it can be the ideal time to bond wiv yoa disfunctional kids.

First start wiv a simpul line drawin to sketch out the basic feetures of the face. then gradually build up the light an' shade to complete Nick's craggy yet 'andsome visage

These stages of drawin's will 'elp you oa yoa Feral kids to recreate me perfectly. It's a much betta option than playin' wiv computer games, smokin' dope, swiggin' cheep vodka oa shaggin' when you are underage an' producin' yet annuva generation of baarsturd sprogs oo will finish up rampagin' the streets of Britain unchecked by our toofless bobbies.

The ten faces of Nick

Becawse time has not been too kind to Nick his craggy ravaged mush is a cross between Richard 'arries, Oliva Reed an' an' old levva shoulda bag. thus is the cost of fame, riches an' birds.

Simpul, delicious, fruitcake

Farm’ouse Fruit cake

I ain’t one foa eatin’ cake but this is really simpul an’ ‘olesome. It’s moa like a cake foa blokes who work on a buildin’ site an’ don’t want to look like Billies eatin’ girlie cake like éclairs an’ the like.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Foa ounzes of plain flowa                              100grms of plain flour

A pinch of sawlt                                             A pinch of salt

Five ounzes of ‘olewheat flowa                     125grms of wholewheat flour

Too teespoonz of bakin’ powda                     2x15ml of baking powder

One teespoon of mixed spice                         1x5ml of mixed spice

Arf a teespoon of cinnamon                           1x2.5ml of cinnamon

Foa ounzes of braan shugga                           100gms of brown shugga

Foa ounzes of butta oa marge                         100grms of butter

Too ounzes of choppt mixed peel                   50grms of chopped mixed peel

Arf a paand of mixed dried fruit                     200gms of dried mixed fruit

Too free range eggs, beaten                            2 free range eggs, beaten

Too tablespoonz of marmalade                       2x15ml of marmalade

A wittle milk                                                   A little milk if necessary

Sift the plain flowa an’ sawlt into a large mixin’ bowl, then stir in the ‘olewheat flowa, bakin’ powda, mixed spice, cinnamon an’ shugga. Rub in the butta, stir in the remainin’ ingredienz an’ mix well: if the mixture is a wittle fick then add some milk. Spoon into a greased eight inch tin an’ bake in a warm oven, gas mk.free foa an ‘our an’ a arf. If the top of the cake becomes too braan durin’ the cookin’ then covva wiv some greaseproof paper. Finally, knock it out an’ place on wire rack to cool off. When it is cool, store it in a sealed tin.  

This is so simpul even mi fick norvern bird could make it. Mind you I awlways need to give her a wittle coachin' from behind, if you knows wot I mean