Uvva books in the Top Ten series

                               ‘Uvva books in the Top Ten Series’

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on DIY’…………..A comprehensive look into the do’s and don’ts of Britain’s favourite pastime. Nick’s advice is simple, don’t fackin’ do it, you are takin’ the bread out of the mouths of professionals.

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on caring for the environment’………..Fack it, let the green welly brigade look after it.

·‘Nick’s top ten tips on fashion’…………..Ultimate makeovers which should take ten years offa yoa your boat race. Including an intro by Lorraine fuckin’ Kellee.  

·‘Nick’s top ten fishin’ trips’……………Travel the world as Nick catches record breaking fish: the wild salmon of the Rio Negra in Chile, the lightening bonefish of the Caribbean, giant perch of the Sudan and monster catfish of the Soane.  Tackle, gear, bait an’ complete organised trips can all be purchased on line @ www.catchafishwivnick.com

·‘Nick’s top ten ways of making Wonga’…………..an exciting assortment of opportunities to make a fortune. These include, smuggling fags, booze an’ Viagra, fencing liberated goods, false insurance claims, pretending wot you are not an’ workin yoa bollox off.

·‘Nick’s top ten Cockney mates’……………….these include, Michael Caine, Jamie Oliva, J Kay, David Bowie, Guy Richie an’ ‘is bird, Mad Frankie Frazer, Anthony fackin’ Newley, Norman the Nonce, an’ many moa. Wiv ingratiatin’ intros by Joe Braan an’ Nigel Kennedy.

·‘Nick’s top ten ways of Shaggin’ birds’…………….Methodology drawn from all over the world. Indian, Thai, Tantric, Inuit, out of it, one bag, two bag, frees up. This volume comes with easy to follow diagrams, genuine colour photographs and a DVD which includes foateen minits of out takes.

 

Endowsments

  Without awl of mi mates I could not 'ave written mi book   

                                                   Endowsments   

Delia Smiff

Nick has definitely surpassed himself with these jewels wot he has sorted from all over the world. Using the finest ingredients, simple effective techniques, using clear concise language and possessing an astute grasp of what constitutes ‘good wholesome food’ he has created a timeless classic that hits the mark on every level. From the meekest most humble housewife to the most arrogant, self opinionated, excruciatingly over promoted Michelin starred chef his recipes should become an essential element of any kitchen. This volume is the ultimate ‘Kitchen Bible’. He is without a doubt a creative genius transforming the mundane into the exceptional. Nick is a rare find who can justifiably claim his rightful place alongside Fanny Craddock, Mrs Beeton and my self. He’s a great shag as well.

Come on lets be ‘avin’ you,  

All my love, Delia.  

Jamie Oliva.

I fink that Nick is loads moa wicked than wot I is. His recipes are just the tops an’ I regard ‘im ‘as a reel mate.Ee's a geeza  

Rock on, Jamie an’ Jools

Gordon fackin’ Ramsee 

I think that this cockney twat might just have something. He has obviously robbed most of my provincial basic recipes but given them a slight perverse twist. His love of fresh, home grown foodstuffs is admirable, an opinion that is not always shared by my colleagues, who probably feel that they have a more credible fuckin’ reputation but who constantly use products from fuckin’ supermarkets. Nick has a simple refreshing approach and sensibly avoids trying to be clever with ‘parcels, wrapped, steamed and roasted’, ‘marinades of lemon juice, garlic ginger and peppered chillies’,  ‘crushing, cracking, pureeing, vapuring’. He rarely uses terms such as, en cuit, a la fuckin’ dente, en gout, radical, wicked, as easy as fuckin’ that or ‘fuckin’ marvellous’. The food, the man and the passion scream out from all of his recipes

Thankfully, the only birds that Nick stuffs are his girlfriends.

All the fuckin’ best Gordon  

The Torygraaph

Such a refreshing change from the complications of the ‘exact science’, chemistry and training that has become dull and passé. Nick’s simplistic approach will blow vast holes in centuries of accepted procedures. Cast out the scales, measuring implements, temperature controls and timing. Undress, reveal and expose the myths. Enjoy the kitchen once more with Nick guiding your schway. Gestalt.

Hermoine Parker Richardson.

Intro

This is the basic intro to mi book.

Intro

What I ‘ave attempted to do wiv awl of these recipes is make it simpul, especially for awl of them fick sods in the norf. I ‘ave gavered ingredienz from awl ova the world an’ I been usin’ only the best produce to create ‘elfi food. The stuff ‘as mainly come from mi mates what inhabit evri cawnna of the globe. I imports the best spices from India, chillis from Mexico an’ pawn from Tieland. Onli the freshist vege from Europe goes into my meels; tomatas an’ olive oil from Italy, peppas, mushroomz an’ ‘erbs from Fraance, sausages, cabbige an’ moa pawn from Germany, an’ laastly, I gets mi   spudsz from Jersee. I gets noffink from Holland, Belgium Scandinavia an’ Spain becawse its awl shite. Pigs, beef an’ chickens is awl provided by mi mates who as organic, natural farms where the animals as a ‘top life’ befoa they are slawtered. Wet fish an’ crustacions comes from Billingsgate, the premier pisscatorial wholesale establishment of England, by way of Codfish Colin, the onli livin’ man who is fird generation man an’ boy daan the market.

I ‘ave chosen mi favorit meels from awl ova the world foa you to make an’ enjoy. If you make a bawls of ‘em the first time, you must be a right muppet oa a norverner, but don’t worry an’ ‘ave anuvva try next week. Sweet.  
I shall also be postin' some videos, in the near future!!!

Mi Backgraand

                                        
This the start of my Cockney Nick adventure; I hope you like it. It is in fact the dog's.

                                                  Mi Backgraand

I was bawn in the back streets of Landan wiv in ear shot of Bow bells. That makes mi a Cockney froo an’ froo. Livin’ in Eastend frooawt all mi childhood I grew up on a diet of jellied eels, savaloys, bubble an’ squeak an’cockles. We nevva ‘ad meat oa chickin becawse there were no fields, farms, oa anyfin’, foa them to live in. By ten I was earnin’ a livin’ as a barra boy an’ part time feef. Durin’ the day I ran the stawl an’ at night I burgled ‘ouses. By foateen I’d left awl that be’ind mi an’ I learnt a trade wiv mi uncle Tommy. When ‘ee died prematurely by accidentally fallin’ off a roof the business came to mi an’ mi bruvva. The bowff of us worked ‘ard foa firty years until we was bowff millionaires an’ we sold up. Remberin’ back to my childhood an’ my crap diet of stale bread, grizzle, top of the egg,  boilt swede an’ curry I discovered that there was moa to food than that. So, I went on a mission awl ova the world samplin’ the cuisine of uvva nations. I returned wiv a load of strange infections but awlso some great recipees. One day, mi best mate Michael, who’s got a restaurant in taan, said to mi that I should share my experiences wiv uvva people less deservin’ than myself. “Nick”, ‘ee said, “you don’t need to blow the bloody doors off, you should just write a book includin’ awl yoa best stuff. You should call it ‘Nick’s best recipees from awl ova the world’. Typically, I nevva fort noffink abawt it until nah when Raymond awlso mentioned it to mi laast week.

The trouble is, nah I live in the norf of England wiv awl the ‘erberts in a shit’ole called Wigan an’ it’s difficult to be inspired. The main reason I left the saaf was on account of there bein’ no moa birds left foa mi to shag ‘avin’ worked mi way froo Essex, Surrey an’ ‘Artfordshire. Becawse awl the birds up ‘ere are awl ovaweight uncoof tarts I, consequently, needed somefink to occupy my mind so that’s annuvva reason I’ve written the book; awl on my own, wivawt a ghost writer. I don’t need the money cawse I’ve still loads left from mi uvva businesses, but bein’ a generous bugga I fink that the owdinary public need the ‘definitive’ an’ not ‘ave to put up wiv secondraters like Elizabeth bloody Davis, Giorgio Ravafackin’ello oa the fat bastard from Yorkshire.

So, this is it…………………….I know you’ll like it.