Mi Thai Posse

This is mi Thai posse. Evri time I goes to Pattaya I teams up wiv them. We hang out togevva on the streets posin' an' poutin' like Victoria Beckham, the slag.

Awl of these birds is from Pataya becawse it' full of proppa Ting Tongs, Ladyboys, feeves an robbas.This is mi posse which I 'ave gavvered araand mi ovva the paast twenty free years. When I first went there foa a 'oliday I met Rita oo was workin' as an 'ostess in a local club. She introduced me to a totally noo way of life, most of 'er closest mates, a multitude of bizarre sexual configurations, shitloads of claass A drugs an' some incurable clinical deseases. I was awlso able to build up great contacts foa the legitimate importation of spices, peppas an' silks. Occasionally, I would discover enormous bags of weed at the bottom of a consignment which is the Tie way of sayin' fank you foa the trade.
Tie birds are great, they'll do anyfink foa ya, usually foa free oa  a few Baht, they don't get jealous so you can 'ave five oa six on the go at the same time: an' best of awl when they turn seventeen you can precure a foateen year old replacement.

Exotic Eastern breads

Dal Puris (Mauritius)

Try these three triffic eastern breads.

Yumm, Yumm.

Don't giv the norvern birds too much, they carry enuff weight anyway.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of ‘dal’                                         600grms of ‘dal’

Too paands of flowa                                      1kg of flour

One teespoon of graand cumin                      5grms of ground cumin

One teespoon of graand fenugrek                  5grms of ground fenugrek

Arf a teespoon of turmeric                             2.5grms of turmeric

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Wash the ‘dal’ an’ boil foa firty minits wiv the termuric an’ sawlt, drain, reservin’ the wautta, an’ puree. Add the fenugrek an’ cumin.

Sieve the flowa an’ sawlt in a mixin’ bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ add the reserved wautta a wittle at a time. Knead an’ make into a smoove dough, covva an’ rest foa firty minits. Divide the dough into ten even smoall bawls. Make an ‘ole in the middle of the bawl an’ add a tablespoon of the pureed ‘dal’ an’ close. Place the bawls on a flowered surface an’ flatten out into pancake size discs.

‘eat a lightly oiled ‘tawa’ oa griddle an’ cook the pancakes foa firty seconds on each side. Smear wiv oil an’ repeat to braan the puris. Job done.   

Parathas (India)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Too paand of flowa                                        1kg of flowa

One pint of ‘ot wautta                                    500ml of hot water

Oil an’ sawlt                                                   oil and salt

Seive the flowa an’ arf a teespoon of sawlt into a laarge bowl. Make a well in the centre an’ carefully add one tablespoon of oil an the wautta in smoall quantities. Knead into a smoove dough, covva an’ leave foa firty minits. Divide into eight even smoall bawls an’ roll out into discs about six inchis in diameter.

Smear each wiv oil an’ fold twice to make a triangle. Sprinkul wiv flowa an’ roll out again. Cook in the same way as the Dal Puris. Piece of piss.

  

Samosas (Indian)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a paand of flowa                                      300grms of flowa

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300ml of water

Sawlt an’ oil                                                   salt and oil

Seive the flowa wiv the sawlt, add a tablespoon of oil an’ wautta carefully an’ knead into a smoove dough. Divide into ten an’ form ten smoall bawls. Smear wiv oil an’ dust wiv flowa.

Flatten an’ roll out to make discs of about foa inchis in diameter. Place the discs on top of each uvva dustin’ wiv flowa as it is built up into a foa inch pile. Lightly roll out the pile squashin’ the layers gentli togevva.

In a very ‘ot ‘eavy griddle cook the disc turnin’ regularly until it begins to bubble. Remove from the ‘eat, trim the ruff edges an’ separate the layers carefully. Cut the dough into foa by too inch rectangular strips. They are now ready to stuff: the most common stuffin’ is poawk an’ chilli onions but it’s fun to experiment wiv different fillins, so ‘ave a go. Fold to make enclosed triangular shapes.

The samosas should be lightly deep fried foa foa minits. Lift an’ strain off the oil on kitchin paper.   

                       

                       

Mi mates Fabrice an' Papou

These are mi mates from the Saaf of Fraance. They own a wittle bistro in a shitole taan cawled Tarascon. But their food is great an' I've been able to nick a few recipees offava them in the paast.

These are just a couple of them. 
Fabrices simpul but delicious salad.

This is really cheap so this why Fabrice givs it to you foa noffink. Wash an' shake several leaves of lettice; place in a bowl. In a glaas jar mix too teespoonz of walnut oil, one teespoon of olive oil, pinch of salt , black peppa, Dijon mustard an' a too slivas of Garlic. Shake until mixed, pour ova the greens. If you want to spike it up you can use a collection of different lettice but that awlways looks a bit pussy.

Lamb chops Provencal.

Buy the best lamb chops from a respectable butcher such Jean Pierre in Fontvielle. In a very 'ot fryin' pan wiv a wittle oil place the chops. Go outside foa a fag an' let the lamb cremate. Turn the chops an' 'ave annuvva fag. Chisel them out of the pan an' serve wiv wilted buggered vege. Believe it oa not the chops 'ave a wonderful flavva, cunchy texture but are sweet as.
The lamb are so puny in the saff it is the only way to cook these very fin chops. Incidentally it is the only meet that Fabrice buggers: he awlays refuses to serve steaks 'bon cuit' especially to the norvern 'erberts oo work locally in mi mate Braddies blanchesserie.

Too's up

This is Julie an' 'er best mate Saandra. Arfta a meel I sometimes asks Julie to bring raand 'er mate Saandra foa too's up, minge munchin' oa a bit of strpadictomy. She's a genuine too bagger but arfta a couple of bokkles of Gevry, several 6 inch spliffs a generous 'elpin of German Pawn it don't really matta. Hey mate, don't knock it if you aint tried it.

Time now foa a quick norvern recipee 


First walk into Wigan taan centre to the CPD (central pie district). Then purchase too Greenhalges Potato an Meet pies. Cross the road to gain access to the Market Hall to purchase too Edwardses balm cakes. Walk home quite quickly so that the pies don't go cold. Slice the balms in arf an' generously butta boff sides. Squirt on some HP, to taste, then place the pies on the bottom arf  an' then top wiv the uvva. Enjoy.

Pat Butcha

Favourit piece of furniture. That’s easy; it’s got be mi noo HD ready 52 inch awl raand saand flat screen. 

Best gift received. Without doubt it’s ‘elf, wealf, ‘appiness, good fawtune, an’ a Venetian glaas chandelier that mi first wife gave mi. It’s ‘and blown and was probably made in the firties.

Favourit item of clothing. There’s noffink better than slippin on a smart whistle. Paul Smiff, Christian Dioa, Gabbanna, Givenchy an’ that Japanese fruit who lives in Dublin, I got ‘em awl. But, mi favrit garment is a pair of old ‘Levis’ that I just hangs offava mi ‘ips, revealin a temptin’ inch of crack: that sends the girls wild.

Favourit films. Evri film that Michael was in, plus, King Kong, Olivier’s Richard the fird, The Dirty Dozen, The Bridge ova the River Kwai (cawse, one of mi Tie birds lives near there an’ it reminds mi of jungles, wautta an’ big leaves), the Rocky an’ Rambo series (but not that American ‘Get Carter’ becawse that was shite), Mrs Robinson, that film where that bloke says “Go on punk do you fink your lucky” an’ laastly Godfarva too. I don’t like noffink arfta 1990.   

If you were to die and come back as another person who would it be. I would want to be a cross between Michael, Ossie Ardilles an’ Pat Butcha.

Not just Mexico

 

Tortillas.

The daily bread of Nicaragua, Guatemala an’Mexico it is lightly milled, pattid by ‘and an’ cookt on a griddle oa a ‘comal’, an erfinware tawa.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of  maize kernels                          500grms of maize kernels

Too pintz of wautta                                        1ltr of water

Too teespoonz of quicklime                           10ml of quicklime

Soak the maize ova night in the wautta. Bring to the boil an’ cook foa one ‘our. The skins will turn bright yellow an’ loosen. Rub off the skins, rinse thoroughly, puree the resultant mush, ‘nixtamal’, in a ‘metale oa blenda until it forms a dense mass. Knead until a soft dough is formed, smoove an’ flexible. Divide into sixteen walnut sized bawls.

Flatten the dough bawls lightly an’ covva wiv clingfilm to keep them soft whilst you are workin’ on the pancakes. Pat an’ roll each bawl into a thin pancake about five inchis in diameter. Dampen the ‘ands in warm wautta an’ pat the dough alternatively ‘and to ‘and to thin out the tortilla. Pre-‘eat a griddle oa fryin’ pan an’ wipe wiv a cloff dippt in lard. Cook the tortilla one minit each side until the edges begin to curl. Save in a warm teetowel until awl of them are done.

To soften by re-‘eatin’ in an oven, wrap in tin foil, about six at a time, foa twenty minits. Anuvva meffod is to simpli re-‘eat on a griddle placin’ one on top of the uvva  until they are toasted on bowff sides. Serve wiv mashed avocado, affectionately cawled Aztec butta.

'Ow to draw Nick

'Ave a bit of fun tryin' to create Nick. It's a break from awl of his wonderful recipees but moa importantly it can be the ideal time to bond wiv yoa disfunctional kids.

First start wiv a simpul line drawin to sketch out the basic feetures of the face. then gradually build up the light an' shade to complete Nick's craggy yet 'andsome visage

These stages of drawin's will 'elp you oa yoa Feral kids to recreate me perfectly. It's a much betta option than playin' wiv computer games, smokin' dope, swiggin' cheep vodka oa shaggin' when you are underage an' producin' yet annuva generation of baarsturd sprogs oo will finish up rampagin' the streets of Britain unchecked by our toofless bobbies.