Mi wiv mi Bangkok Lady Boys

This is mi posin' wiv mi Bangkok Lady boys. The one second from the left is mi favrit becawse 'ee givs the best 'ead in Tieland: the uvvas are OK but they ain't a patch on Eric.
Notice that I is embracin' the culture wiv a false bra an' stilletoes. To make it really lifelike we strap our bollocks an' knob in between our legs just touchin' the arse cheeks. From awl intents an' purpose we gotta proppa VW. The choice of lingerie is very important: it must be sexy but not trashy. We tend to use Victoria Beckham's 'dusky chuff' range of fongs, nipple bras an' them fings that 'old yoa stockins up. The group dynamics changes quite regularly especially when I am on mi lecture tour of WI's, Sally Ann soop kitchens, the old lady Buffalos in the US an' the French Foreign Legion Naffis. But on a break it is easy foa me to slip back into full character, just like wearin' an old glove. We can make abawt foateen laarge everi night foa just too sets: cushty.


There is just time foa a quick recipee. This is dead local to Bangkok but you can find the same awl ova Tieland.
First locate and gavva any conceivable insect inside yoa apartment. There  is goin' to be loads, spiders roaches, prayin' mantis, scorpians, beetles, witchity grubs, moffs, butterflies, big fack orf mossies an' daddy fackin longlegs.
In a wok heat free tablespoonz of engine oil. Add the insects foa too minits. Strain orf the oil an' serve them 'ot wiv Heinz toomata sawse. Bootiful

Colour in the faces of Nick

This is dead easy even foa fick norverners.
Use bright colours to giv Nick a character awl of his own. Assemble the colours on a tray befoa you begin. You will need, magenta, prussian blue, primrose yella, deep purple, vermillion, burnt umber, fire engin red, noddy grey, boiled shite an' black Nat.

Creeemy Carrot soop


Annuvva easy recipee but delicious particularly on cold nights.
Cut one laarge onion an' gently sweat until goldin braan. Meanwhile, dice one potato, foa laarge carrots, one stick of celery, one laarge tablespoon of parsley an' add to the onions. In a smoall cup mix one teespoon of Dijon mustard, a few grains of dried chilli, a splash of Worschesetta sawse, one teespoon of tomata puree. Take one concentrated chicken stock cube, that you have personally made an' stored in yoa freeza, an' dissolve in the vege mix; then add the cup of ingredients. The stock can be stretched wiv one an arf pints of wautta. Cook the vege until soft. Blend wiv a hand held electric whisk. serve wiv a dollup of light single cream.
I 'ave often used this recipee as an' excuse to visit one of mi birdss oo's husband worx on the rigs. He's normally away foa free weeks at a time so I givs her a cawl an' pop up wiv the soop. Gradually during the meel we usually experience a natural glow whilst eatin the soop; accompanied wiv cobs of mi 'omemade crusty bread, washed daan wiv a bockkle of mi favrit Cotes du Rhone, light, fruity, raspberry, slightly earffi the ambience in the room turns to fings carnel.
Don't get shirty, this arrangement suits boff of us. She has an opportunity to taste the best an' I get a break from mi norvern bint.

Italian Staple

Paasta

This again is made in similar way to the bread but is wivout the yeast which gives it the lift.

 

The diffrence wiv 'omemade Paasta an' store bought is tremendous. Once you establish the habit of makin' it you won't eat nofink else. Experiment wiv diffrent flowas, ficknesses an rememba there awl sorts of ways of cuttin' it. Not just strips but butterflys, foldin' it like ravioli, twistin' it an' pinchin' it. Be bold, enjoy!!

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Ten ounzes of strong plain flowa                   300grms of plain flour

A pinch of sawlt                                              a pinch of salt

Free eggs, free range                                       3 fresh free range eggs

One tablespoon of olive oil                             15mls of olive oil

Flowa foa dustin’                                            flour for dusting.

Put the flowa on a cold marble work surface, just like wot I’ve got at ‘ome, it cost mi free an’ arf grand, an’ that was trade. Make a well in the centre an’ drop in the free free range eggs. Usin’ the fingas draw in the flowa from the sides an’ mix thoroughly. Slowly add the oil until you ‘ave a soft smoove dough. Place the dough on a flowered surface an’ knead it until its silky an’ elasticatid. Roll out the dough to a fickness of a transparent old shirt, an’ I don’t mean a Billy oa an old Gay. Hang the sheet ovva a broom handle foa about ten minits until it ‘as dried a wittle. Roll the pasta up like a loose old swiss roll, cut it into strips. One eigth foa fettucine an’ a quawtta of an inch foa tagliatelle. Leave ‘em on the cloff foa firty minits befoa cookin’ in sawltid boilin’ wautta. Serve wivany of the boss Italian sawses, but not a lot, just enuff to add flavva to the pasta.

Cause and iffect

One of the main fings when tryin' to decide on a menu foa an important dinna is determinin' the 'balance' of taste, the ying an' yang. One course 'jigsaws' into the next an' so on: each compliments the uvva. Plannin' is very important to achieve the harmony of the eatin' rirual. It is not awl abawt presentation, chemistry, colour oa wavin' yoa fackin' arms abawt oa swearin foa iffect. Let the food do the talkin'.

In fact its a wittul like mi mate professor Brindley Huntswagga's hypoffisis regardin' the 'world economic markets'. He is the top dog advisa to the White house. He explains cawse an' iffect perfectly when discussin' the global world of finaance.

• “Stochastic behaviour in a deterministic system” is a scientific phrase of cawse and iffect. What it means is that everi particle in the earth’s atmosphere is linked in a chain of cause and effect so intricate that it is extremely 'ard to make accurate predictions abawt the behaviour of the system as a 'hole. The wevva forecaast for tomorra may be reasonably accurate. But the wevva forecaast for the following week will be much less so. An' everi now and then an apparent random whirlwind will catch the wevvaman awt as 'appened in the “hurricane” of 1987. This hypothesis is principally related to the economies of the world, particularly the connection between the American economy to that of the Chinese. This was evident laast week (01.09.11) where the butterfly in this case was the fledgling Shanghai stock market. A mere winged bug compared with those of the Noo York and Landon. But when the Chinese investors flapped on Tuesday, drivin' daan the Shanghai composite index by nearly 9%, the result was a storm, if not a 1987 style hurricane, in nearly all of the world’s markets. In one day 500 points was wiped off the Dow Jones whilst Landon plummeted by 150 on the FTSE index. In uvva words a slight hiccup can create such a ripple effect causing major complications many thousands of miles from the source of the original problem.        
•  So simpli speekin' if you make a mess of even the apertifs the rest of the meel wiil be screwed up. You might as well frow it inta the bin. But if you control the ripple iffect of 'gout' an' texture success is the onli outcome. End of.  

Jerky hot pot

Charquican (charqui, jerky hot pot, Chile)

This is a sophisticatid version of a classic Chilean vegetable stew finished wiv a flavva some fry up of ‘charqui’ strips of wind dried hunters meet prepared the old traditional way. If you can’t find ‘jerky’, steak that has been cremated on a barbeque, especially the stuff that my mate Vinnie is famous foa, can be substituted.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One fick slice of pumpkin                             1 large slice of pumpkin

One oa too carrots cut into chunks                1/2 carrots cut into chunky pieces

Foa to five smoall potatas                              4/5 small potatoes

Arf a pint of fresh cawn kernels                     300grms of fresh corn kernels

Arf a pint of fresh pees                                   300grm of fresh peas

One pint of stock oa plain wautta                   600mls of stock or water

Sawlt                                                               ground sea salt

To finish

Eight ounzes of Charqui oa Vinnies steak      225grms of jerky or burnt steak

Too oa free tablespoonz of oil                        45mls of olive oil

Too to free onions finely choppt                     2/3 finely chopped onions

One teespoon of crumbled oregano                5ml of crumbled oregano

One teespoon of paprika oa dried mild chilli  5ml of paprika or dried red chilli

One teespoon of cumin                                    5ml of cumin

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                salt and milled black pepper

Place awl the vegetables in a laarge roomy pot wiv the stock oa wautta, season an’ bring to the boil, turn daan the ‘eat to a simma, put the lid on tightly an’ cook foa foateen minits until the vege is nearly tenda.

Meanwhile pick ova the ‘charqui’ removin’ awl of the stringy sinewy bits an’ chop. Next, ‘eat the oil in a smoall pan an’ fry the onions until they are goldin braan an’ they ‘ave softened. Add the charqui an’ seasonings an’ cook foa about five minits until well blendid. Stir the contents of the fryin’ pan into the laarger pot, remove the lid an’ allow to bubble up reducing’ the stock. The stew should be deliciously moist but not soopy. Serve in bowls wiv pickled pearl onions an pebre chileno: a Chilean peppa salsa.


‘Pebre Chileno’

To prepare the salsa, pound free fresh ‘ot chillis to a paste wiv too tablespoonz of fresh corianda leaves, one tablespoon of oil, one tablespoon of choppt onion an’ a choppt an’crushed clove of garlic. This simple sawse is the dogs.

The many faces of Nick

Nick is a very complex character. With it's ups an' downs, highs an' lows, peaks and troughs he always tries to look on the bright side but sometimes the world deals him a shit butty.
He is a tough cookie but the ravages of time have taken their toll: lets just say although his face does resemble a road map he still has a certain craggy charisma that attracts the world's most beautiful women. But the phrase, flies around a turd does spring to mind.

Garlic Lamb


Use onli the best Charollais lamb, oa Inglish /Welsh Spring oa Saltmarsh, blade end arf shoulder. 
Slice too laarge cloves of garlic. Wiv a sharp kinfe make incisions in the lamb an' insert the garlic slices. Sit the joint on a bed of gardin vege plus a few sprigs of wild thyme finally addin' free tablespoonz of wautta. Cover the dish wiv foil an roast foa forty five minits at 190 degrees. Remove the foil to braan foa a further fifteen minits. Let the joint rest. This makes a fabulous Sanday dinna so make it special wiv awl the usual accompaniments: refer to preparation of vege from my earlier recipees.
A slightly 'eavier fruiy red wine could be offered to a disernin' pallette such as a 2009 Rully oa Givry but don't waste yoa time on norverners oo fink that 'Bulls Blood' has sophistication.  

Emmanuel of Tarascon

On one of mi very early visits to Tarascon, Bouches de Rhone, Provence, I met this character oo cawled 'imself William oa Emmanuel dependin' 'ow Inglish 'ee wanted to saand.By the way, befoa I starts to tell you abawt 'im I'll tell you a wittle abawt Tarascon. Don't eva visit becawse it's a proppa shitole. You 'ave probably 'eard the expression 'Fraance is Dog shit an' Deisel occupied by unfriendly, arrogant arseoles': well Tarascon has the lot. It is inhabited by ner do wells, seedy moronic slopeheads, filfy soap dodgers an' smilin', robbin' deceitful Gitanes. The streets are covered in evri conceivable type, colour an' texture of dogshit. Evri fackin' vehicle pens of dirty deisel, has multicoloured panels wiv interiors that chickins' wouldn't live in.Once magnificent, the majority of the civic buildins are fawlin' daan oa closed, filled wiv sleezy, junky squatters, their rooftops covered wiv Flyin' rats. Worst of awl the nearby Factory 'Tenbec Tommy' spews out toxic chokin' fumes coverin' the town in a blue fog. I, unfortunately spent seven years in this 'armpit' an' met some genuine good friends but awlso some prime cants. Billy Bob turned out just one of these cants, but I could quite easily giv you a fackin' list free pages long of uvvas oo awlso belong in the 'fack orf bin'.

Billy Bob Pigfucker 
I shall tell you this tale even though it 'as noffink to do wiv food. One of mi best mates, cawled Dave Braan, recently remindid mi of this arseole. We boff 'ad the misfortune of meetin' Billy daan in the 'Midi' back in 2002. Dave was a proppa fire bobby in those days but now 'ee sits behind a desk lookin' at motorbikes on the interweb pretendin' that 'ee's checkin' safety equipment an' evrifin.On Saturday nights 'ee used to drive the engine right froo the middle of Wigan where awl the norvern tarts would lift up their tops an' shout "Show us yoa 'elmit big boy!" 








I originally met Emmanuel/William when I stayed in his 'otel on mi first visit to Tarascon. I was lookin' to buy a property at the time, an' to be fair 'ee was very 'elpful regardin local procedure. An'  if noffiink else 'ee introduced me to mi long term mates Fabrice an' Papou Demery oo ran the 'Bistro Theatre': anyway that's anuvva tale which I can tell you abawt later.
Everifink startid ok; the 'otel was cleen an' tidy, William was 'elpful, 'avin good Inglish which 'ee 'ad learnt in Wormwood Scrubs on accaant of livin' in Ingaand bein employed as a mail courrier; but instead of deliverin' 'ee was robbin' the mail. Particularly the stuff that was destined foa Coutts bank. Banged up in the Scrubs foa eighteen momffs foa cashin' the cheques 'ee learnt 'is Inglish from awl of the uvva scroats that were bein detained at her Magestis pleasure. I can usually tell a bullshitter when I meets ones so I took awl of this wiv a pinch of sawlt. Nevva the less, enevitibly, foa awl of his 'elp 'ee wanted favours.
The first favour caused me to leeve mi laast meel in mi 'ouse, befoa I returned to the UK. At seven firty pm, 'ee cawled me to rescue 'im from 'Lulu's fackin' restaurant' located on the very laast smoal coastal piece of land that was the barren shitole known as the Camargue. He demanded that I should tow 'im back becawse his fackin' C15 had broken daan. I returned 'ome at midnight wiv mi tea in the dog. The promised gift of Gin an' lobsters nevva materialised the followin' day so I should 'ave realised that 'ee was a lyin' tossa. Consequently, ova a period of abawt free monffs 'ee requestid 'Ruddles beer', Glenfackinfiddic whisky, Ecclesfackin' cakes, Uncle Joe's fackin' mint bawls an a fackin' Donkey Jackit'. I 'ad 'ad enuuff by then so I fort that I would stitch the cant up by chargin' 'im fifty squid foa the Donkey coat that I had purchased foa foa quid in the UK. But the canni baasturd didn't bite so I was left wiv a coarse, badly made, workies garment.
Wittle did I know 'ee was doin' the same scam wiv mi best mate American Looffa oo was awlso bringin' 'im stuff back from the States at the same time. In Particular Looffa brought 'im  a 'Levis' bib an' brace. William proudly wore it awl the time. This completid the image of 'im just lookin' like a fackin' in bred extra from 'Deliverance': diddy, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong ding. The name 'as stuck. Evri time we tawlk abawt 'im we refer to 'im as Billy Bob Pigfucker, becawse that's wot 'ee fackin' is.