The best Cottige Pie, even a norvener can make this

 

Cottige Pie.

Ingredienz

Imperial (British)                                               Metric (foreign)

Two paand of best lean beef mince                     one kilo of prime lean beef mince

Free smoall onions                                              3 small onions

Two tablespoonz of oil                                        2x15ml spoons of oil

A pinch of sawlt an’ fresh grownd peppa           1x5ml salt and fresh milled pepper

Foa ounzes of diced carrot                                  100grms of diced carrot

A squirt of tomata puree                                     1x5ml spoon of tomato puree

A teaspoon of strong English mustard                1x5ml of mild Dijon mustard

Foateen ounces of crackt spuds                           350grms of crushed buttered potatoes

Foa the beef stock

A couple a paand of good marra bones               one kilo of shin or knuckle bones

Two sticks of celri                                               2 pieces of celery

Two laarge carrots                                               2 large carrots

Two leeks                                                             2 leeks

Six pintz of wautta                                               2.5 litres of water

Sawlt, peppa an’some ‘erbs awt the gardin         Salt, pepper, bouquet garni

 This is ‘ow I makes a cottige pie. You should always use mince beef but sometimes I uses chunks of beef like sirloin or fillet. You always starts off wiv free smoall onions choppt an’ sweated daan in a pan wiv two tablespoonz of olive oil, wiv a pinch of peppa an’ sawlt. Bung in a few diced carrots, abawt foa ounzes and then add your meat, two paand. I sometimes, at this point, add a squirt of tomato puree foa sweetness an’ English mustard foa bite Once its turned braan add your stock; a wittle moa than arf a pint. Better if its good beef stock made from marra and bones but if not, use cube of somfin’, just like a norvern bird would.

Best beef stock.

The bigga, stronga leg bones contains the best marra but any of the cows bones as it. By adding onions, carrots, celry, an’ leeks to the pot onli ‘elps to create moa flava. You can also bung in bits of vege that’s lyin’ araand in the kitchen, leeves an’ stuff. Sweat ‘em awl off in a laarge pan wiv two tablespoonz of oil, sawlt an’ freshly milled black peppa, an’ then add the ‘bish, bosh, bashed’ bones. Poa in six pintz of wautta an’ simma foa firty minits. Strain, reduce by arf an’ decant into several containas. The stock should ‘ave loads of jelly in it an’ that’s where the flava is.

Simma until reduced, then poa the mix into a dish an’ let it cool daan. Crush, crack owa mash foateen ounzes of spuds on top and den braan in the oven. Foa a shepherd’s pie I does the same but wiv lamb mince or chunks from ‘left ova’ leg. An’ then ‘ave it large wiv a glaas of Gevry Chambertain, oa even a bokkle if you wants to get yoa leg ova.

Favrit fings 3 4 5.

Favourit Souvenir. When I was a kid I used to go to the seaside at Bogna on Sandays wiv mi auntie Effil an’ uncle Jimmy. I had been savin’ foa a month an’ was determined to buy mi mum somefink special foa ‘er birfday an’ ‘er so soon comin’ out of ‘ospital. On previous trips I had seen this china replica of Lassie in a gift shop on the front but when I went to buy it the price had gone up by two pence which was moa than I had. I asked the shopkeeper to let mi ‘ave it foa the old price seein’ it was foa mi sick mum an’ I had been savin’ foa weeks. He looked daan at mi an’ said, “Fack off you little cant, fack off where you belong!” When I went back cryin’an’ told mi uncle Jimmy he said to leave to him an’ that he would soawt it. Sure enough I was given the gift by the shopkeeper wivout spendin’ any of my money. My mums face lit up when I brought it ‘ome an’ she gave it pride of place on ‘er mantle until she died. I have kept to this day reminding me of mi mum, that shopkeeper in Bogna and uncle Jimmy the Saw, as he was affectionately known in the manor. But, nowadays I brings loads of souvenirs back from Tieland. Luckily I’ve got an understandin’ quack who can prescribe the appropriate medication. 

Favourite Album. Chas an’ Dave’s greatest hits. You expected me to say that didn’t you becawse I’ve been a barra boy brought up in the east end of Landan you seriously fort that I would say Chas an’ bloody Dave: well I can honestly say that I think they are shite, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, fackin’ rabbit, its bollox. I will awlways prefer Cliff’s Love Songs, Barry’s Coco Cabana an’ Marc Tainted Love.  

Phobias. I am continually worried that one day people will wake up and think that my food an’ recipees are pants. I expect evri uvva chef in the world finks the same an’ feels a wittle insecure on occasions. The wisperin’ at the table gets mi angry oa foa instance when the steak is sent back becawse it ain’t ‘blue’, ‘pink’, too bloody en cuit, fackin’ ‘rose’ oa not tare bloody tare. If that was mi mate Gawdon ‘ee’d frow ‘em out of the place an’ probably beat ‘em up foa good measure. But on a moa serious note I would hate foa people to fink that I ain’t artistic, sensitive oa intelligent just cawse of mi background, an’ the fort that I wasn’t regarded by mi mates as equal just cawse I’ve got everfin a man would want and moa, often boffers mi, but I soon gets ovva it.   

Michael Caine

I 'ave just arrived back from fraance 'avin' done extensiv reseach regardin' legumes an' such; so I fawt it best just to share some of mi favrit fings wiv you. Tomorra I'll post annuva recipe: don't worri it will be yet annuva tasti treet.

The Best Chef. Michael ‘as got to be the best amateur an’ Deadria the ‘pro’, becawse she can take it up the arse. Criticism that is.

The best wine. Gevry Chambertain at 48 paand a bokkle from Costco. It’s just the best foa getting’ the legs open.

Hero. My mate Michael. He’s been ‘tops’ foa fifty years; especially as that Alfie bloke shaggin’ everifin wiv a pulse, larkin’ abawt wiv Sean in the Punjab, killin’ an’ shaggin’ them Ruscky spies whilst still wearin’ ‘is glaases, frowin’ Alf Roberts offava multi-storey car park, wrestlin’ a Great White in Jaws free, teaching Julie fackin’ Walters ‘ow to reed an’ right an’ shaggin’ ‘er at the same time,    

Villain. Bloody ‘ell, I’ve known loads in my time particularly being brought up listening to bloody Bow Bells evri fackin’ mornin’. The most evil git was ‘Barry The Hat McVitie’ who used to fight foa fun. But when I say fight it was usually to the deaf. He had a habit of concealin’ 15 inch bowie knife in the sleeve of ‘is jacket which ‘ee would rely upon to get ‘im out of tricky situations. He was the geeza who invented the Eastend smile. At least these ‘boys’ were pretty open about their actions unlike yoa average fackin’ polititian. Yeh, if I had to make a choice I would have to say it would be any modern day MP. We actually pay them to rob an’ screw us blind; now that’s sweet!    

JD Salinger

Books at bedtime. I awlways keep loads of mags at the side of the bed for evri eventuality. I’m not really one foa books unless they’ve got loads of photos or diagrams inside. I must say that I have a huge selection of German stuff that I’ve collected ovva the years. It usually does the trick. As a yoof I remember reedin’ “Catcher in the Rye” by JD Salinger, but I didn’t understand a fackin’ word an’ I fort that awl that swearin’ was unnecessary, especially that phrase ‘sunuvabitch’; wots awl that abawt. I did, nevvatheless, enjoy “Metamorphosis” by Kafka. The bit where the bloke turned into a giant insect was dead cool.

Evening routine. When I’m at ‘ome, arfta I’ve finished a twelve ‘our shift, driven back from Landan at one hundrid an’ firty miles an ’our, knocked up a fifteen minit Ruby, rolled an’ smoked a six inch spliff, necked a bokkle of Gevry an’ a huge glaas of Remy VSOP I would relax in spa barf wiv mi bird, then I would sensitively slip her a lenff froo the bubbles. I would grab a few ‘ours kip an’ set off foa Landan at free o’clock in the mornin’ to miss awl of the traffic an’ be on the job at foa firty.

South American Bouillabaisse

El Biche (Ecuadorian Bouillabaisse)

Evri country froo out the world makes a bouillabaisse except those that don’t ‘ave access to fresh fish like those eastern bloc shit’oles, but this one is quite different in that it is a delicate soop finished wiv choppt peenuts an’ fortified wiv banana dumplins an’ noo potatas.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of fresh flatfish fillits                    500grms of fresh flatfish fillets

Too pintz of ‘omemade fish stock                  1 ltr of fish stock, see recipe

Foa tablespoonz of oil                                     60ml of olive oil

Too to free onions cut finely                           2/3 onions finely cut

One teespoon of cumin seeds                          5grms of cumin seeds

One teespoon of crushed ‘ot chillis                 5grms of dried, crushed hot chilli

One paand of noo potatas                                500grms of new potatoes

Banana Dumplins

Too green bananas oa plantains, gratid            2 green bananas or plantains, grated

Free tablespoonz of toasted crushed peenuts   45grms of toasted crushed peanuts    

Too to free tablespoonz of fish stock               45ml of fish stock

One tablespoon of choppt corianda                  15grms of chopped coriander

To serve and finish

Free to foa green peppas ruffly choppt             3/4 green peppers roughly chopped

Foa ounzes of pees                                           100grms of fresh peas

Foa tablespoonz toasted crushed peenuts         60grms of crushed toasted peanuts

One lemon, gratid zest an’ juice                       1 lemon with grated zest and the juice

Too tablespoonz of choppt corianda                 30gms of chopped coriander

Wivout recommendin’ any sort of fish its awlways best to access local flat fish, but the densa  moa robust fillits such as sole, turbot etc.. tend to be betta foa this dish. Sawlt the fillits an’ set ‘em to one side. Strain the fish stock, if freshly prepared. In a laarge strong fryin’ pan braan an gentli soften the onions in the olive oil. Sprinkul wiv  cumin seeds an’ chilli. Add the stock an’ cubes of potatas, simma foa twenty minits.

Blend the gratid banana wiv the peenuts, corianda an’ enuff fish stock to make a dozen wittle dumplin’ bawls. Slip the bawls into the simmerin’ broth addin’ the pees an’ peppas firty seconds later.

When awl is tenda add the peenuts an’ stir. Carefully drop in the fish fillits an’ allow them to become firm an’ opaque, foa free to foa minits. Taste an’ season, finish wiv the lemon juice an’zest, an’ sprinkul wiv fresh corianda.

It does seem odd ‘avin’ froot wiv fish but believe me it’s superb. This could awlso be a main course but I know when I serve it in the norf it’s a starta, becawse they are awl fat buggas up there an’ ‘ave got massive appetites. 

Tart

Simpul Choclit Tart

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (Bloody Swiss)

Twelve ounzes of double creem                           300grms of double cream

Two tablespoonz of caasta shugga                       2x15mls of caster sugar

Foa ounzes of meltid butta                                   100grms of melted butter

One pound of Philippe’s best choclit                    500grms of Swiss chocolate

Foa ounzes of milk                                                100mls of milk

A dustin’ of cocoa powda                                      Cocoa powder for dusting

Foa the pastry tart

Nine ounzes of butta                                             200grms of butter

One paand of flowa                                              500grms of flour

A pinch of sawlt                                                    a pinch of salt

Severn ounzes of caasta shugga                           180grms of caster sugar

Foa egg yolks                                                        4 egg yolks

Foa tablespoonz of milk oa wautta                       4x15mls spoons of milk or water

If, like my bird, you likes choclit you’ll love this tart. Norvern birds can also make it becawse it’s easy an’ quick, just like their morals. 

Always pre make the tart pastry shell usin’nine ounz of butter, one paand of flowa, a pinch of sawlt, severn ounzes of caasta shugga an’ foa egg yolks. First creem togevva the butta, shugga an’ sawlt, then rub in’ the flowa an’ the egg yolks in a laarge mixin’ bowl. When the ingredienz ‘as the consistency of bread crumbs carefully add foa tablespoonz of cold wautta oa milk to make a dough. Don’t ova work it oa else it‘ll finish up like my old girl’s nicka elastic. Place it in the fridge wrapped in cling film foa an’ our. Roll enuff ovit awt an’ mould it in buttered tart dish an bake blind in the oven at 180 foa fifteen minits.

Usin’ twelve ounzes of double creem, two tablespoonz of caasta shugga an’ a tiny pinch of sawlt bring to the boil in a sawsepan. Take the pan orf the ‘eat an’ add foa ounzes of melted butta an’ one paand, in chunks, of best Swiss choclit, from Phillippe of course, until evrifing ‘as meltid into a smoove fick liquid. As the choclit mix is coolin’ carefully blend in foa ounzes of cold milk until shiny an’ creemy. Poa into the pre baked shell an’ chill foa two hours. Dust wiv cocoa powda an’ serve to yoa tart.

If this don’t get the juices flowin’ noffink will. You knows wot I mean?

Prawn Pie

 

Anuvva feem on this fish pie comes from Goa, which was once a Portuguese colony, an’ it is cawled ‘Apa de Camarao’

Prawn Pie.

Ingredienz foa the fillin’

Imperial (British)                                                   Metric (Portuguese)

One paand of fresh prawns                                      550gms of fresh prawns

Too tablespoonz of oil                                             30ml of vegetable oil

Free laarge onions                                                    3 large onions

Free tablespoonz of mixed spice                              45ml of mixed spice

Too tablespoonz of shugga                                       30ml of sugar

Quawtta of a pint of coconut milk                           100ml of coconut milk

The spice mix

Too ounzes of dried red chillies                               50grms of dried red chillies

One tablespoon of cummin seeds                             15grms of cumin seeds

Twenty five peppacawns                                          25 peppercorns

Twelve cloves                                                           12 cloves

Too inches of  cinnamon                                           5cms of cinnamon

Ten flakes of garlic                                                   10 slices of finely cut garlic

Too inches of ginja                                                    2 thumbs of ginger

Qwawtta of a teespoon turmeric powda                    2mls of turmeric powder

A pinch of sawlt an’ shugga                                      A pinch of salt and sugar

Clean an’ cut the prawns and apply a wittle sawlt. Heat the oil an’ gentli braan the onions. Stir fry foa foa minits, add the crushed spice paste, shugga an’ sawlt to taste. Finally add the coconut milk an’ cook until dry.

Foa the batta (Goan foa rice an’ coconut mix)

Arf a paand of rice, soaked overnight                       200gms of rice soaked overnight

Six tablespoonz of grated coconut                             90grms of grated coconut

Too egg yolks, beaten                                                2egg yolks, beaten

Free tablespoonz of shugga                                       45grms of sugar

A pinch of sawlt                                                         A pinch of salt

Anuvva pinch of shugga                                             5grms of sugar

One tablespoon of warm wautta                                 15ml of warm water

One and a arf teespoonz of fresh yeast                       8ml of fresh yeast.

Grind the rice an’ coconut togevva usin’ one oa too tablespoonz of warm wautta. Take a laarge bowl an’ add the rice mixture to the egg yolks wiv the shugga an’ a pinch of sawlt. Dissolve a wittle moa shugga in warm wautta. Sprinkul on the yeast and leave foa ten minits. Combine the rice mixture wiv the fermentin’ yeast, covva an’ leave in warm place foa foa to five ‘ours.

Poa arf of the rice mixture into the bottom of a laarge greased dish an’ then spread the prawn fillin’ ova.  Top off wiv the remain’ rice. Bake in a preheated oven on gas mark foa foa firty minits until golden braan. Enjoy wiv a bokkle of ‘Kingfisher’ an’ serve eva warm oa cold.