Champs Elysee

So, Eddie parks his rig in the Tuilerie gardins in Paris wiv a view to showin' Ramunia the sites of this wonderful city.He has the perfect vehicle for this trip: an ex post office red and cream bicycle complete wiv a laarge plastic tray attached to the handle bars where Ollie usually sits to protect her from the traffic. Ramunia has pride of place on the seat of the bike whilst Eddie stands erect on the pedals as they navigate, at midday, the Champs Elysee, the Arch de Triomph and the magnificent Tour Eiffel. Eddie was quite amazed when he was stopped continuously by tourists demanding a photograph: I must say I was also surprised at their apparent interest. Arfta the trip he returned to his rig to create annuva signature dish.


Moules et Frites. 


Start makin' the chips in exactly the same way as I have explained befoa, then, sweat the onions an' garlic in a laarge sawsepan. Make sure that Ramunia has de-bearded the mussels an' scrubbed them clean. Don't forget to frow away the arf open ones. Add them to the pot wiv arf a pint of white wine an' arf a cup of waatta. When they open add some light cream an serve, any way you want. Eddie leaves them in the pan to save on washin' up. Place the chips on a plate along wiv some dippin' bread; usin an empty shell as a fork consume the mussels an' sawse under the dappled light of the tree canopy in the peace of the Tuilerie gardins.


Next time, Eddie begins his journey south leaving the capital behind to discover the valley of the Seine. This has got to be the 'dogs'.

Eddies Trailer

Eddie was expectin' his bird 'Ramunia' his Latvian girlfriend to join him in Paris around mid July. She awlways limited his access to sex; he had to earn it, as well as being rationed to no more than once a week. As a consequence of this she demanded separate sleeping quarters. Wiv this in mind Eddie needed to construct some kind of towing caravan to accommodate her needs. subsequently he came across an abandoned trailer chassis in Langate which he strapped to the roof of his C15.
He managed to transport the chassis over the channel where he intended to fabricate the bedroom cabin to fix on top of the chassis. His bountiful knowledge of the 'world of decheterries' enabled him to rescue enough sheets of aluminium panels with which he would construct the carcass of the bedroom. Using only hand tools; a drill, hack saw and a variety of nuts and bolts the cabin quickly took shape. It had a lift up door, a small window  along with 2 vented hatches. Internally, there was a mattress,roughly assembled cupboard space, ceiling cavities, a small vanity area complete with cracked mirror, and very importantly a mosquito net. Other personal touches could be added later as their tour of fraance developed. The bedroom had been completed upon her arrival at Charles de Gaulle airport where she was met by Eddie who wiv Ollie escorted her to the Tuilleries gardens where they would spend the night. He didn't tell mi if 'ee managed a shag that night but I expect he did, first nights on holiday in my finkin', are awlways celebrated carnally.

Eddies Potage au Feu 


Havin' gathered a selection of vegetables from the gardins of norvern fraance peel an' chop. In a laarge sawsepan add some olive oil then season wiv black peppa an sawlt. Gently fry the onions, then add, carrots, celery, potato, suede, really anyfink that you can find. Bring to the boil wiv fresh stock, then simma. Serve wiv crusty bread an' top wiv gratid hard cheese that some frog has frown away.

Eddies Rig

I must describe Eddie's rig. It is a basic deisel engined Citroen C15 which has been converted to satisfy most of his needs. The passenger seat has been removed to accommodate his bed; but that's just the beginning. All of the rear panels have maximised, compartmentalised, carefully constructed to contain food supplies, kitchen goodies, utensils, fasteners, ropes, tape, mug, plate, knife, fork, spoon, can opener. His two burner stove is concealed under the carcass of the bed: he has both gas facilities, propane for normal temperatures and butane for altitude and cold. Probably most fick norvern 'erberts won't know that propane at extreme temperatures doesn't  give off, any heat whereas butane does: lesson learned.
He has one small toolbax wiv one of evrifink inside. He constructed his bedroom trailor from scrap aluminium, hand drilling and bolting together, which he built in fraance, after many visits to the abundant decheterries. I shall endeavour to describe this engineering miracle a little later becawse it awlso involves a woman, another driving force in Eddie's physcee.
Time foa one of Eddies signature dishes.


Mediterranean Pizza 


Usin' a liberated pizza base from the back of Carrefour start layerin' the top wiv anyfink else that has been robbed from a skip. Here is the trick. Not 'avin' an oven Eddie then places the pizza in his frying pan sealing it wiv a lid. Then it is furvva seeled wiv a small rock on top. On a low heat the pizza will cook. It looks like shit when it comes out but if you close your eyes you can't the difference between Eddies and the real thing. Try it, you won't be disappointed.

Eddie's Chips

I need to tell you about mi mate Eddie; 'ees a fascinatin' character oo spends arf of 'is life travellin the quiet routes froo fraance gaverrin' awlsorta of vegetables that peeple leave lyin abawt awl ova the place.

I first met Eddie in skool at Ashton in Makerfield grammar way back in the sixties.The long laastin' memory that I 'ave of 'im is at the refectory table at lunchtime. Becawse 'ee awlways wantid to get back to the playground foa a quick fag 'ee would awlways put his dessert in his blazer pocket, complete wiv custard an evrifin. I can fill in a little moa of his character as I offers moa of his personal reccipees ova the next few weeks.
Like I mentioned befoa he spends loads of time trvellin froo france in his little C15 along wiv his dog companion 'Ollie'. He takes 1000 euros that will laast him at least 8 monffs. He spends 50% on deisel, 25%on wine and 25% on dog food. Awl his food is liberated from the fields, skips at the back of supermarches oa dechetteries (foa you norvern 'erberts they are local french 'waste tips', which can be found in any provincial taan).
Becawse he finds loads of spuds that have been left behind arfta the machine has dug up what it can he has loads of ways of cookin' 'em. But, the best way  is in the form of 'chips'. I first encountered this method when I visited 'im in the south of france. He had found a spot on the top of the derelict Roman road that tracts froo the Midi an eventually into southern Spain. Located on the the hill overlookin' the flood plane of the lower Rhone to the south to Arles, the Camargue and then the Med: a bootiful spot.
Arfta peelin'  an choppin the spuds into finga sizes 'ee stores them in a laarge toffee jar filled wiv waatta; the chips stay fresh foa abawt 5 days (Moa like free in the boilin' sun of the Midi)
Usin' sunflower oil heated in a proppa chip pan the chips are dried and then dropped in. They are ready when they are golden brown an' can be squeezed between finga and fum. Piggin' them down as the sun fell behind the horizon wiv that wonderful view was unforgettable. Arfta the meel Eddie went foa a shit in woods takin' just his trusty damp sponge. Sweet.
There will be moa about Eddie in thte next few days, stay tuned.

Noo Research

Sorry, I ain't been postin' anyfink lately becawse I 'ave been researchin' mi noo book. It will be ready in a few weeks so keep an eye out for mi noo blog: it's goin' to ground brakin', honest. Keep on cookin', Nick

Essential ingredienz from awl ova the world

 I will awlways need to add to this list as an when I find moa.

Becawse I 'ave traveled awl ova the world I've able to source Top Draw produce, directly sourced from mi mates oo live in far cornas of the globe. I caan't giv you awl of the names becawse some of 'em need to keep a low profile on account of them bein' sought by local afforitees foa misterminas, peepul smugglin', tax evasion an' graand feft auto.

The worlds best food suppliers                                                                                                                                                         

Jimmi Chink, for products chinese…….……………………………Bangkok

Momo Cackrabaahti, any wet or Mediterranean fish..….............…Bolton

Jose da Souza, Indian spices…………………………………….......Goa

Jonnty the Pig, pork, bacon and ham..………………………………Essex

Cowards, a variety of prime sausages………………………………Clitheroe

The Doc, beer and wine, The Royal Oak……………………………Wigan

Chadwicks, fuck awl…………………………………………………...Staandish

Phillippe Goldstein, Swiss chard, choclit and Rolexes………………Geneva

Harry the Rat, cigs, booze and Viagra……………….………………Mobile

Louis Fernaud, proppa bread………………………….……………..Befnal Green

Fabrice an' Papou Demery, Provencal Produce..................................Le Paradou

Za Za Lulaa, fuck awl...........................................................................Bouches de Rhone
Piri Pi'l, french pizza ingedienz.............................................................St. Gengoux

Jackie Trotta, jellied eels.....................................................................Eel Pie Island

Corrado Fiorentini, paasta, foa orders especes ova 2 milles.............Les Baudets

Dr. Sebastien Begard, Rabbits laarge................................................St. Helene, Cotes D'Or.

Bernard et Natalie Vanerchet, Big fat Pigeons..................................Genouilly, Chalon.

Marcel Vanerchet, anyfink grown in the gardin.................................St. Martin du Tartre

Olivier Daudey-Malfondet, Charolais beef........................................Charolles, Macon
Ricky Gondinga, jerky, jabbies, roo an' walaby.................................New South Wales
Shirley Calongooly, bush tucker, personal massage..........................Darwin
Porky Mc Donald, anyfink pig.............................................................Perff, W. Australia 
Billy Bob Pigfucker, anyfink free ee can get 'is 'ands on...................Tarascon

Dodgy Don an' Swiss Philippe

I got a nice wittle triangular trade route goin' on wiv these geezas. From Swiss Phil I imports vegetables, choclit an' Ski clobba but 'ee awlso does a tasty line in damaged precision watches which liberates from some bonded warehouse in Geneva. I then unloads them wiv Dodgy Don oo shifts 'em on to daaft footbawlers an' their shag 'appy girlfriend Wags daan at the Bridge.Evribody gains an' evrifins sweet as.

Bread an' butta puddin'
This is a piece of piss to make but nevva the less is impressive foa the 'erberts in the norf in particular. If they open a tin of rice puddin' an' poa on some custard they fink that they is Gawdon fackin' Ramsee.

Usin' either good quality sliced bread oa any of those clevva Italian fruity type breads spread liberally wiv  butta then coat wiv a tangy orange marmalade. Arrange the slices in a 8 inch diameter dish wiv a depff that corresponds to yoa knob: in my case abawt 7.5 inches but onli 5 inches in yoa case: tee hee.
In a sawse pan gentli heat arf a pint of milk wiv a little shugga an' a vanilla pod. At this point it is possible to add some fruit such as currants raisons....sex..etc..etcra.
Poa the milk into the dish, place in a pre-eatid oven (mark 7) foa 25 minits then 15 minits at 5/6. It's bootiful. You can awlso drizzle creme anglais, ice cream oa even some of that femme frais when it is served at the table.