Drawin' Tie Birds. Motalita

It's easy drawin these bird's. Try inventin' your own when you gets used to the technique.

Here is annuvva easy recipe.


Seared seabass wiv Choritzo


Now this saands like a crap combination but I tried it mi local Michelin star restaurent 'Aux Annees Vin', in Buxy, Chalon sur Soane an' it was perfect an' a reel surprise. 
Place one large fillet of bass in a red hot griddle an' sear foa too minits each side. Meanwhile, cut thin strips of Choritzo an' place on the fish, just like rows of pennies, as it's restin  in the pan foa an extra free minits. Serve wiv a simpul green salad an' a bockkle of Montagny Premier Cru. It's the dogs.

Bonne annee

I would like to take this opportunity to wish awl mi followas a prosperous noo year, good luck wiv evrifin. Awlso a special greetin' to awl mi readers in Russia. I can now offa a translated version of mi blog in the Russian language: I suspect there may be some difficulties wiv some of the stuff becawse it is writtin usin' the proppa Queens English and not that norvern Mankie dialect which proports to be the reel fing.

As a footnote, I offa a bustin' Thai curry. By now you don't need proppa measurements an' weights of ingredienz etc....you should be usin' stuff intuitively, if yoo caant yoo is probably fick an' shouldn't be in the kitchen anyway.


This is superb on cold nights, in front of a roarin' fire wiv your Julie.

In a laarge fryin' pan saute onions, chilli an' garlic. Add a finly sliced fum size of ginga then pour on harf pint of coconut milk, then simma. Peel an' cube a butternut squash: the one that looks like a giant's dick an bawls. Frow it into the pan an' continue to cook foa 20 minits. Finally, squeeze in at least the juice of a one lime plus a tablespoon of shugga. Serve wiv jasmine rice. Don't forget to add 'turmuric' to the rice, this 'elps to prevent Bowel Cancer: I ain't jokin', look at the stats on the Indian continent.

By the way I am still lookin foa a publisher to promote mi book. It would be the best recipee book on the shelf, wipin out awl those uvva pritendas!! 

Mi Julie an' her tart Dawtta.

This is annuvva in the series of 'ow to draw but I've includid a special recipee foa figs.

Figs wiv creme fraiche an Parma ham

Mi own dawtta gave mi this recipee which she inventid whilst on 'oliday  in mi mansion in Saaf Burgundy. Foa the first time in free years we 'ave 'ad a reel glut of Figs in the gardin. The very mild Spring an' wet Summer has encouraged a huge harvest. We were literally taking at least 10 fresh figs per day from the tree.We gave most away to the uvva villagers but we were still swamped wiv the fruit.
First cross-cut the figs an' open like a flowa. drip in some local honey followed by a dollup of Creme fraiche oa 'Faiselle', which is a cottage cheese made from goats milk: arrange on a smoall plate wiv the Parma Ham. Season wiv black peppa. This can be anyfink you want a starta oa a dissert. Yum, Yum

The best eva bunny dish

 

Rabbit with Bananas (Zimbabwe) 

This combination sounds a bit strange but the sweetness of the froot really does compliment the rabbit. You can use chickin if you wants if you don’t like the fort of eatin’ yoa child’s pet but it doesn’t ‘ave the erffiness oa texture of rabbit.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                           Metric

Free Cox’s appuls peeled, cored an’ sliced    3 Cox’s apples peeled, cored and sliced

One to too ounzes of butta                              25/50grms of butter

Too an’ a quawtta paands of rabbit, jointid    1kg of rabbit, jointed

Too onions finely cut                                      2 onions finely cut

A pinch of mustard, graand ginja                   A pinch of mustard, ground ginger

A pinch of cinnamon, curry powda                A pinch of cinnamon, curry powder.

A dash of brandy                                             25ml of brandy

Arf a pint of chickin stock                              300ml of chicken stock

Five fluid ounzes of double creem                  150ml of double cream

Too bananas                                                     2 bananas

Sawlt an’ milled black peppa                          Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Foa the caramelised appul garnish

Foa ounzes of white shugga                            100grms of white sugar

Too fluid ounzes of wautta                              50ml of water

Too eatin’ appuls peeled, cored sliced             2 eating apples peeled, cored, sliced 

Put the Cox’s in a pan wiv one ounz of butta, covva an’ cook until soft. Place to one side. To make the caramelised appul garnish: place the shugga an’ wautta in a ‘eavy duty pan an’ ‘eat to dissolve the shugga. Bring to the boil an’ continue to cook, wivout stirrin’, until the liquid caramelises. It is important not to let it burn like mi norvern bird does awl the time. Cut the appuls into eight slices an’ carefully dip ‘em into the mixture covverin’ each slice wiv the caramel; then place ‘em on wire tray to cool an’ set.

In a laarge fryin’ pan melt a wittle butta, place in the jointed rabbit an braan foa five minits. Lower the ‘eat add the onions an’ cook foa free minits. Stir in the spices foa anuvva free minits, poa on the brandy an’ flame. When the flames ‘ave settled daan add the chickin stock an’ appul puree, simma foa twenty minits until the sawse ‘as reduced an’ fickened. Stir in the creem, slice an’ add the bananas, season to taste. Serve the dish wiv the caramelised appul slices.

There is enuff foa foa people, so you could eva ‘ave yoa mate an’ his bird around an’ do swopsis arfta oa just watch ‘em ‘ave it.   

'appy Christmas to awl mi followas

This is just one off foa Crimbo. Not so much recipees as advice an loads of tips.


Top Tips
If you fink that you got 5 hours to prepare an' cook the meel in reality you will need 10, so giv yoaself loads an' loads of time.
Double check that you 'ave bought awl of the ingredients foa wot you is doin' uvvawise you'll finish up chasin' yoa arse awl day foa the missin' items.
Don't ave a drink oa a shag befoa you 'ave prepped evrifink. 
If yoa family buggas off to the pub befoa the meel make sure that they are back early so that they aint too pissed to enjoy your cookin'. There is noffin worse than a bladdered guest fawllin' in the food an' tellin' inappropriate jokes then swearin at yoa muvva.


OK. Startas. Any fish dish is tops becawse it don't fill folk up. Sea bass filits soaked in lemon juice, muscadet, chilli, black an' green peppa cawns, capers. Leave in the fridge ovanight an' garnish wiv corianda an' chopped chives.


Main Course. I prefer a gamier meet. Pheasant, duck, venison but especially goose are awl superb. There is loads of recipees awt there but consider this. Place the bird on top of vege, spuds finnli sliced, chopped onions, baby carrots etc.. the goose fat just leaks froo, faverin' evrifink. Foa the laast 15 minutes roast the bird seperate to crisp up. Bloody beltin'. It awlso means that you can sit on yoa arse foa foa hours 'avin a drink oa sex, whilst the bird cooks.


Dessert. I 'ate makin' desserts so I buys one from M an S an' tells evribody that I made it. Uvvawise I just plate up loads of diffrent cheese an crack open the Port. 
Wot evva you do, enjoy, don't panic an' good luck. I 'ope that you continue to reed mi blogs in the noo year becawse I got moa Top Ten recipees from awl ova the world. Cya soon, Nick.  

I need fame

• Andy Warhol said that evribody can be famous foa 15 minutes. It's true today moa than anyuvva time wiv awl of these delusional no hopers goin' in foa these X factor contests. It probably startid wiv that Welsh dragon, Maureen the learner driver: they put her on the box week in week out cawse she caan't drive a fackin' car. Then there was that fat git from Rochdale who was drawing 36 laarge in benefits, an' braggin' abawt it as she swallies a pint of Guiness daan the local. Two council properties knocked togevva to accomodate her foateen sprogs an her knuckle draggin' tatooed husband. 
• Eddie the fackin' Eagle oo makes a career out of fallin' offava ski jump foa the paast 20 fackin' years. That bird oos alwlways on crap morning shows, wiv  bokkle blond air, some days shes BIG an' uvva days she's BIGGER. When she don't get her own way she shouts at her guests oa tries to shag 'em. You know oo she is! she wears yeella dresses to make herself look smaalla, she's cawled Vannessa oa Davina oa Nina oa Sharon. I aint bovvered anyway becawse they are awl worffless: an guess wot, there is no way that the upstairs carpet is the same as the lounge.An' 'ow bad is this.... 
• Today I saw a bin man driving his wagon and guess what he was wearing. Fackin’ sunglasses, Ray Bans…'ee probably finks he's Jack fackin' Nicolson oa that dwaarff  Tom Cruise. I fort, what a c**t, you deserves a smack so I went ova , stopped 'is truck an' chinned 'im there an' then. Sorry to rant but it pisses mi off when these tossas are makin' a crust at the expense of my mates oo 'ave got genuine talent, like JK, fingy Lawson, mi mate out of Blue, The Feelin', the boys in JLS (except foa the one oo looks like Sammy Davies Junior), Cheryl Cole, Fabio, Jose an' mi best best mate Katie. 
• "I feel like Monica wiv a cigar"...I first heard this when I was in DC visitin' a mate, an' got mi finkin' abawt awl the uvvas oo 'as gained extraordinary notoriety wivout any real talent. The list is endless as I 'ave expressed above, but the 5 times gold medal 'olda is Victoria Beckham. Her paffetic solo singin' career afta leavin' the uvva foa fick slappers. Evrifing she does is pants. Designin' cloves, inventin' shite perfums an' soap, mogullin': an' then pretendin' she's posh an' can tawk proppa. I could nevva understand why she kept forgivin' David foa humiliatin' her awl the time by shaggin' awl them Spanish birds, but I suppose 'avin' no brain does 'elp. 
• Anyway here's a simpul but impressif way to make Melba Toast: this was the ultimate dinna party hors d'oef when served viw mi equally famous country Pate, which incidently can be bawt in most leedin' supermarkets like....Widl, Paandstretchas, Costcuttas, Wilkinsons an' B an' M.
• First cut the crusts offava Warburtons fick sliced an' toast bof sides. Take a flat sharp knife an' split the bread exposin' the fleshy inside. Finally, toast the remainin' sides. The toast will curl but thats the cute bit.This aperitivo was developed foa Dame Nellie Melba the New Zealand Opra singer oo was popular in the 1900's. I bet you didn't know that.

Corporit bullshit

I 'ave nevva 'eard as much as much nonsense spoken when I 'ave 'ad the misfortune of being employed by those faceless coporit gits oo run the 'city'. They sit raand behind their big fack off mahogany tables spoutin' on abawt fack awl, but tryin' to saand important when awl I wants to do is explain one of mi outstandin' recipees such as 'Makin' a cheese ommelit'  

Becawse these executif types caan't cook I treets them like norvern 'erberts by keepin' it simpul. 
Take too eggs out of the bax, then break in a cup an' add sawlt an' peppa. Beat them until slightly froffy. Heat a smaal amaant of butta an' vege oil in a hot pan then add the beaten egg. Turn daan the 'eat befoa addin' the grated 'mature chedda cheese'. When meltid, fold one half ova the uvva. Lift out of the pan an' serve wiv a light salad. piece of piss.


Meanwhile whilst I am explainin' to awl of these chinless wonders the beauty of even simpul foods they are bangin' on abawt: adoptin' “Blue sky thinking”, “Pushing the fackin' envelope”, “Taking the fruit from the lower branches of the tree”, “Leaving a minute carbon footprint”. Claimin' that “It is difficult to fly like an eagle when you are working with turkeys”, “granulisation”, “Takin' a helicopter view”: but don't forget to not use the term “brainstorming” anymore as it may offend people with a disability, the present PC terminology is “thought showering or thought cascading”. Definitely,  “One must attempt to square the circle”, "Bring somfink too the table". Most importantly, there is no ‘I’ in team.                              
I've nevva heard as much shite in my life when I am forced to perform at these corporate 'dos. When they have finished I hit's 'em wiv mi own 'omegrown philosophi. Look arseholes I say.... when in Rome do as the Romans do, when in Turkey, gobble”, an' don't forget “It all depends which side of the oxo cube you are looking at”. But mi coup de grace is "Don't let the same dog bite you twice!" Wiv that I leaves them open mouthed as  I leave wiv 5 tax free laarge in mi pocket. Cushty.