Posh pasties

 

Empadinhas (smoall powk pies)

This particular recipee is from Goa an’ originates from their colonial Portuguese past. I got loads of girlfriends an’ boyfriends in Panjim, but the lady who gave mi this dish and many others is proppa straight wiv a an husband an’ free kids. Her name is Joyce Fernandes, her cookin’ is famous frooawt Goa becawse aswell as stickin’ to traditions she ‘as awlso embraced the ‘contemporary’ in ‘er cuisine. These smoall pies can be faand awl ova the world wiv different names, such as in Chile an’ Peru they are cawled ‘empanadas’, in Brasil empada, in Argentina an’ Uraguay empadhinas oa pastel pies: but in Cawnwall they are a pasty. When the tin miners left to find work in other countries they took wiv them the ability to ‘eat on the job’ wiv dirty ‘ands. An’ so the pasty was invented. A fold of pastry envelopin’ a fillin’ of vegetables an’ meat became their lunchtime meal whilst in the dark, damp environ of the pit.      

Ingredienz

Imperial (Cawnish)                                                    Metric (Goan)

One paand of fatty powk (skinless an’minced)           550grms of lean minced pork

Six onions, choppt fine                                                6 onions cut finely

One tablespoon of oil                                                   15ml of vegetable oil

Foa the pastry

Eight ounzes of flowa wiv teaspoon of bakin’flowa   200grms flour, 5ml baking flour

Foa ounzes semolina wiv teaspoon bakin’ flowa        100grms semolina, 15ml baking

Free free range egg yolks                                             3 free range egg yolks

One an’ a arf tablespoonz of shugga                            20mls of fine sugar

A pinch of sawlt                                                           A pinch of salt

One tablespoon of butta                                               15grms of unsalted butter

Knead awl of these ingredienz until a soft dough has been formed. Do not use any wautta.

Grind to a fine paste

Too ‘ot green chillies, fresh                                          2 fresh mild green chillies

One dry red chilli                                                          1 dry red chilli

One inch of ginja                                                           a thumb of ginger

Six flakes of garlic, fresh                                               6 slices of garlic finely cut

One tablespoon of tamarind                                          15grms of tamarind

A pinch of cumin seeds                                                 a pinch of cumin seeds

A quawtta teespoon of turmeric                                    2ml of turmeric

Six black peppacawns                                                   6 black peppercorns

One inch of cinnamon                                                  15ml of cinnamon

Six cloves                                                                      6 cloves

Mix the minced pawk an’ spice paste well. Braan the onions in ‘ot oil, add the meat mixture an’ stir fry foa ten minits. Then add arf a cup of wautta, a teespoon of shugga, sawlt an’ vinigga to taste. Cook until the meat is done and dry. Dependin’ on the size of the pie that you wants to make divide the dough into equal measures an’ usin’ yoa fingas press these bawls into to the well greased moulds. Spoon in sufficient of the cooked meat, cover wiv a pastry lid an’ seal the ‘empadinha’ wiv beaten egg yolk. They can then be placed a preheated oven, gas mark foa foa foateen minits.

There can be many variations in terms of the fillin’ an’ the shape of the pasty. A vegetable alternative is acceptable foa them ‘green hippies’ usin’ a mix of potatas, carrots, onions, peas, beans an’ so on. In Chile it is common to find a folded pastry case filled wiv fish in a sawse, oa beef oa fackin’ Alpaca. In Fraance they would deny ‘avin’ anyfink as common as a ‘pie’, but they ‘ave ‘em, they just call it ‘en croute’. The feem is the same awl ova the world, it is foa the common man, it is simply a savoury filling encased in pastry.                                                             

Latin bread delight

 

Italian Bread

The Italians are only good foa free fings. Makin’ faast sportscars, ‘avin’ bootiful birds an’ makin’ bread, pizzas an’ pasta, evri fing else they do is shite.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                     Metric (lazy Itie’)

Arf ovva ounz of fresh yeast.                     15grms of fresh yeast

Too tablespoonz of warm wautta                30ml of warm water

Eight ounzes of strong white flowa            200grms of strong white flour

One teespoon of sawlt                                 5grms of salt

Too tablespoonz of olive oil                        30mls of olive oil

Free tablespoonz of milk                             45mls of milk

Blend the yeast wiv the warm wautta an’ leave foa ten minits. Sift the flowa into a laarge bowl an add the yeast, oil and milk. Bring the ingredienz togevva drawin’ in the flowa until a pliable elastic dough if formed. Knead the dough foa ten minits to increase the amount of air an’ the lightness of the mix. Place in a greased bag an’ place in a warm place foa an’ ‘our. Divide the dough into too pieces an’ knead foa a furvva five minits. Place the loaves on a greased baking tray an, bake foa twenty minits.

This is the basic recipe foa Italian bread oa foa a pizza base. But, the Italians have a habit of placin’ awl aorts of stuff in side the bread. Foa instance, you can awlways add moa olive oil, oa garlic, olives, walnuts an’ sesame seeds. They ‘ave different names but they are awl just a variation on a feem.

Frida Khalo

Aftershave and deodorants. I must say that I ‘ave fallin’ in love wiv Beckhams noo range of scent. Beck’s ‘Nob’, Victoria’s ‘Chuff’, eau de Coley an’ ‘Front’ are frankly irresistible. Mind you, the classic Rabanne, Gucci, Lacroix are real minge magnets.  

Something you would not throw away. My address book

Favourit piece of Artwork. I loves that bloke wiv the big arms standin’ on top of that hill just befoa Noocaastle, them naked iron fellas up to their knees in the mud of the Mersey estuary, loads of stuff by that geeza who cut off ‘is ear when ‘ee was mental, that Mexican bird wiv one giant eyebrow an’ who was ‘eld togevva wiv stainless steel, that Spanish rascal who was the first to put his bird’s nose where her ear should be an’ of course Leonardo ‘cawse ‘ee was openly gay.   

Favourit songwriters. In the early days I used to love Lonnie but I soon shiftid ova to Cliff, Barry and George becawse their songs are poignant, upliftin’ but butch at the same time.  

Tom Soop

Rich Tomata soop

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                              Metric (Diego)

Too laarge onions                                                2 Spanish onions

Tablespoon of oil, sawlt, peppa                           15 ml of olive oil, salt, black pepper

One an’ arf pints of chickin stock                        750mls of homemade chicken stock

One paand of Italian plum toms                           550grms of Italian plum tomatoes

One paand of ripe English toms                           550grms of vine ripened tomatoes

Free ounzes of sun dried toms                              75grms of soaked sun dried tomatoes

Too ounzes of dried cepe mushrooms                  50grms of dried forestier mushrooms

One carrot                                                             1 medium sized carrot

One potata                                                             1 medium sized potato

Teespoon of Worcester sawse                               5ml of Worcesterhire sauce

Teespoon of English mustard                                5ml of Dijon mustard

A pinch of dried chillies                                        A pinch of dried chillies

A squirt of Tomata puree                                       25ml of tomato puree

A ‘andful of choppt parsley                                   A bunch of flat leaved parsley

A dollop of fresh creem                                         A 50ml pot of fresh single cream

Chop oa tear the sun dried tomatas an’ cepe mushrooms ‘an soak ‘em in warm wautta foa at least free ‘ours. Finely chop the onions an’ add to the oil on a low ‘eat. Allow the onions to braan an’ soak up most of the oil. Peel an’ dice bowff the carrot an’ the spud an’ add to the mix.

To peel the fresh tomatas  you needs to place them in boilin’ wautta until the skin splits, take ‘em out an’ carefully peel. If a fawk is stabbed in the tom you ‘ave less chaance of burnin’ yoa bloody ‘ands orf. When they are cool you can cut ‘em in arf an’ deseed usin’ a teaspoon. Chop an’ add to the mix, stirrin’ steadily so that awl the ingredienz are soakin’ up the remainin’ bit of oil. Grind in some black peppa.

In a cup mix the puree, mustard, Worcester sawse an’ dried chillies. Top up the cup by addin’ some of the chicken stock, mix into a single creem consistency then stir it in to the pot.

Poa in the remainin’ stock, the sun dried toms an’ the cepes, wiv their juices, an simma foa firty minutes until awl of vegetables are soft. Take the pot off the ‘eat an’ add arf of the choppt parsley. When the mixture is cool enuff use a ‘and blenda to produce a fick milky consistency. Add moa stock if you prefer a finna soop an’ then sawlt to taste.

To serve, add a dollop of fresh cream an’ dress wiv some choppt parsley. Wiv the chillies, Worcester an’ mustard the soop ‘as a slight piquaance that I prefer, but if you are not ‘appy wiv the sharpness just leave out the dried chillies. The perfect compliment to this dish is my ‘omemade rustic crusty bread an’ a bokkle of mi favrit Premier Cru Sancerre.

The best Cottige Pie, even a norvener can make this

 

Cottige Pie.

Ingredienz

Imperial (British)                                               Metric (foreign)

Two paand of best lean beef mince                     one kilo of prime lean beef mince

Free smoall onions                                              3 small onions

Two tablespoonz of oil                                        2x15ml spoons of oil

A pinch of sawlt an’ fresh grownd peppa           1x5ml salt and fresh milled pepper

Foa ounzes of diced carrot                                  100grms of diced carrot

A squirt of tomata puree                                     1x5ml spoon of tomato puree

A teaspoon of strong English mustard                1x5ml of mild Dijon mustard

Foateen ounces of crackt spuds                           350grms of crushed buttered potatoes

Foa the beef stock

A couple a paand of good marra bones               one kilo of shin or knuckle bones

Two sticks of celri                                               2 pieces of celery

Two laarge carrots                                               2 large carrots

Two leeks                                                             2 leeks

Six pintz of wautta                                               2.5 litres of water

Sawlt, peppa an’some ‘erbs awt the gardin         Salt, pepper, bouquet garni

 This is ‘ow I makes a cottige pie. You should always use mince beef but sometimes I uses chunks of beef like sirloin or fillet. You always starts off wiv free smoall onions choppt an’ sweated daan in a pan wiv two tablespoonz of olive oil, wiv a pinch of peppa an’ sawlt. Bung in a few diced carrots, abawt foa ounzes and then add your meat, two paand. I sometimes, at this point, add a squirt of tomato puree foa sweetness an’ English mustard foa bite Once its turned braan add your stock; a wittle moa than arf a pint. Better if its good beef stock made from marra and bones but if not, use cube of somfin’, just like a norvern bird would.

Best beef stock.

The bigga, stronga leg bones contains the best marra but any of the cows bones as it. By adding onions, carrots, celry, an’ leeks to the pot onli ‘elps to create moa flava. You can also bung in bits of vege that’s lyin’ araand in the kitchen, leeves an’ stuff. Sweat ‘em awl off in a laarge pan wiv two tablespoonz of oil, sawlt an’ freshly milled black peppa, an’ then add the ‘bish, bosh, bashed’ bones. Poa in six pintz of wautta an’ simma foa firty minits. Strain, reduce by arf an’ decant into several containas. The stock should ‘ave loads of jelly in it an’ that’s where the flava is.

Simma until reduced, then poa the mix into a dish an’ let it cool daan. Crush, crack owa mash foateen ounzes of spuds on top and den braan in the oven. Foa a shepherd’s pie I does the same but wiv lamb mince or chunks from ‘left ova’ leg. An’ then ‘ave it large wiv a glaas of Gevry Chambertain, oa even a bokkle if you wants to get yoa leg ova.

Favrit fings 3 4 5.

Favourit Souvenir. When I was a kid I used to go to the seaside at Bogna on Sandays wiv mi auntie Effil an’ uncle Jimmy. I had been savin’ foa a month an’ was determined to buy mi mum somefink special foa ‘er birfday an’ ‘er so soon comin’ out of ‘ospital. On previous trips I had seen this china replica of Lassie in a gift shop on the front but when I went to buy it the price had gone up by two pence which was moa than I had. I asked the shopkeeper to let mi ‘ave it foa the old price seein’ it was foa mi sick mum an’ I had been savin’ foa weeks. He looked daan at mi an’ said, “Fack off you little cant, fack off where you belong!” When I went back cryin’an’ told mi uncle Jimmy he said to leave to him an’ that he would soawt it. Sure enough I was given the gift by the shopkeeper wivout spendin’ any of my money. My mums face lit up when I brought it ‘ome an’ she gave it pride of place on ‘er mantle until she died. I have kept to this day reminding me of mi mum, that shopkeeper in Bogna and uncle Jimmy the Saw, as he was affectionately known in the manor. But, nowadays I brings loads of souvenirs back from Tieland. Luckily I’ve got an understandin’ quack who can prescribe the appropriate medication. 

Favourite Album. Chas an’ Dave’s greatest hits. You expected me to say that didn’t you becawse I’ve been a barra boy brought up in the east end of Landan you seriously fort that I would say Chas an’ bloody Dave: well I can honestly say that I think they are shite, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, fackin’ rabbit, its bollox. I will awlways prefer Cliff’s Love Songs, Barry’s Coco Cabana an’ Marc Tainted Love.  

Phobias. I am continually worried that one day people will wake up and think that my food an’ recipees are pants. I expect evri uvva chef in the world finks the same an’ feels a wittle insecure on occasions. The wisperin’ at the table gets mi angry oa foa instance when the steak is sent back becawse it ain’t ‘blue’, ‘pink’, too bloody en cuit, fackin’ ‘rose’ oa not tare bloody tare. If that was mi mate Gawdon ‘ee’d frow ‘em out of the place an’ probably beat ‘em up foa good measure. But on a moa serious note I would hate foa people to fink that I ain’t artistic, sensitive oa intelligent just cawse of mi background, an’ the fort that I wasn’t regarded by mi mates as equal just cawse I’ve got everfin a man would want and moa, often boffers mi, but I soon gets ovva it.   

Michael Caine

I 'ave just arrived back from fraance 'avin' done extensiv reseach regardin' legumes an' such; so I fawt it best just to share some of mi favrit fings wiv you. Tomorra I'll post annuva recipe: don't worri it will be yet annuva tasti treet.

The Best Chef. Michael ‘as got to be the best amateur an’ Deadria the ‘pro’, becawse she can take it up the arse. Criticism that is.

The best wine. Gevry Chambertain at 48 paand a bokkle from Costco. It’s just the best foa getting’ the legs open.

Hero. My mate Michael. He’s been ‘tops’ foa fifty years; especially as that Alfie bloke shaggin’ everifin wiv a pulse, larkin’ abawt wiv Sean in the Punjab, killin’ an’ shaggin’ them Ruscky spies whilst still wearin’ ‘is glaases, frowin’ Alf Roberts offava multi-storey car park, wrestlin’ a Great White in Jaws free, teaching Julie fackin’ Walters ‘ow to reed an’ right an’ shaggin’ ‘er at the same time,    

Villain. Bloody ‘ell, I’ve known loads in my time particularly being brought up listening to bloody Bow Bells evri fackin’ mornin’. The most evil git was ‘Barry The Hat McVitie’ who used to fight foa fun. But when I say fight it was usually to the deaf. He had a habit of concealin’ 15 inch bowie knife in the sleeve of ‘is jacket which ‘ee would rely upon to get ‘im out of tricky situations. He was the geeza who invented the Eastend smile. At least these ‘boys’ were pretty open about their actions unlike yoa average fackin’ polititian. Yeh, if I had to make a choice I would have to say it would be any modern day MP. We actually pay them to rob an’ screw us blind; now that’s sweet!