JD Salinger

Books at bedtime. I awlways keep loads of mags at the side of the bed for evri eventuality. I’m not really one foa books unless they’ve got loads of photos or diagrams inside. I must say that I have a huge selection of German stuff that I’ve collected ovva the years. It usually does the trick. As a yoof I remember reedin’ “Catcher in the Rye” by JD Salinger, but I didn’t understand a fackin’ word an’ I fort that awl that swearin’ was unnecessary, especially that phrase ‘sunuvabitch’; wots awl that abawt. I did, nevvatheless, enjoy “Metamorphosis” by Kafka. The bit where the bloke turned into a giant insect was dead cool.

Evening routine. When I’m at ‘ome, arfta I’ve finished a twelve ‘our shift, driven back from Landan at one hundrid an’ firty miles an ’our, knocked up a fifteen minit Ruby, rolled an’ smoked a six inch spliff, necked a bokkle of Gevry an’ a huge glaas of Remy VSOP I would relax in spa barf wiv mi bird, then I would sensitively slip her a lenff froo the bubbles. I would grab a few ‘ours kip an’ set off foa Landan at free o’clock in the mornin’ to miss awl of the traffic an’ be on the job at foa firty.

South American Bouillabaisse

El Biche (Ecuadorian Bouillabaisse)

Evri country froo out the world makes a bouillabaisse except those that don’t ‘ave access to fresh fish like those eastern bloc shit’oles, but this one is quite different in that it is a delicate soop finished wiv choppt peenuts an’ fortified wiv banana dumplins an’ noo potatas.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of fresh flatfish fillits                    500grms of fresh flatfish fillets

Too pintz of ‘omemade fish stock                  1 ltr of fish stock, see recipe

Foa tablespoonz of oil                                     60ml of olive oil

Too to free onions cut finely                           2/3 onions finely cut

One teespoon of cumin seeds                          5grms of cumin seeds

One teespoon of crushed ‘ot chillis                 5grms of dried, crushed hot chilli

One paand of noo potatas                                500grms of new potatoes

Banana Dumplins

Too green bananas oa plantains, gratid            2 green bananas or plantains, grated

Free tablespoonz of toasted crushed peenuts   45grms of toasted crushed peanuts    

Too to free tablespoonz of fish stock               45ml of fish stock

One tablespoon of choppt corianda                  15grms of chopped coriander

To serve and finish

Free to foa green peppas ruffly choppt             3/4 green peppers roughly chopped

Foa ounzes of pees                                           100grms of fresh peas

Foa tablespoonz toasted crushed peenuts         60grms of crushed toasted peanuts

One lemon, gratid zest an’ juice                       1 lemon with grated zest and the juice

Too tablespoonz of choppt corianda                 30gms of chopped coriander

Wivout recommendin’ any sort of fish its awlways best to access local flat fish, but the densa  moa robust fillits such as sole, turbot etc.. tend to be betta foa this dish. Sawlt the fillits an’ set ‘em to one side. Strain the fish stock, if freshly prepared. In a laarge strong fryin’ pan braan an gentli soften the onions in the olive oil. Sprinkul wiv  cumin seeds an’ chilli. Add the stock an’ cubes of potatas, simma foa twenty minits.

Blend the gratid banana wiv the peenuts, corianda an’ enuff fish stock to make a dozen wittle dumplin’ bawls. Slip the bawls into the simmerin’ broth addin’ the pees an’ peppas firty seconds later.

When awl is tenda add the peenuts an’ stir. Carefully drop in the fish fillits an’ allow them to become firm an’ opaque, foa free to foa minits. Taste an’ season, finish wiv the lemon juice an’zest, an’ sprinkul wiv fresh corianda.

It does seem odd ‘avin’ froot wiv fish but believe me it’s superb. This could awlso be a main course but I know when I serve it in the norf it’s a starta, becawse they are awl fat buggas up there an’ ‘ave got massive appetites. 

Tart

Simpul Choclit Tart

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (Bloody Swiss)

Twelve ounzes of double creem                           300grms of double cream

Two tablespoonz of caasta shugga                       2x15mls of caster sugar

Foa ounzes of meltid butta                                   100grms of melted butter

One pound of Philippe’s best choclit                    500grms of Swiss chocolate

Foa ounzes of milk                                                100mls of milk

A dustin’ of cocoa powda                                      Cocoa powder for dusting

Foa the pastry tart

Nine ounzes of butta                                             200grms of butter

One paand of flowa                                              500grms of flour

A pinch of sawlt                                                    a pinch of salt

Severn ounzes of caasta shugga                           180grms of caster sugar

Foa egg yolks                                                        4 egg yolks

Foa tablespoonz of milk oa wautta                       4x15mls spoons of milk or water

If, like my bird, you likes choclit you’ll love this tart. Norvern birds can also make it becawse it’s easy an’ quick, just like their morals. 

Always pre make the tart pastry shell usin’nine ounz of butter, one paand of flowa, a pinch of sawlt, severn ounzes of caasta shugga an’ foa egg yolks. First creem togevva the butta, shugga an’ sawlt, then rub in’ the flowa an’ the egg yolks in a laarge mixin’ bowl. When the ingredienz ‘as the consistency of bread crumbs carefully add foa tablespoonz of cold wautta oa milk to make a dough. Don’t ova work it oa else it‘ll finish up like my old girl’s nicka elastic. Place it in the fridge wrapped in cling film foa an’ our. Roll enuff ovit awt an’ mould it in buttered tart dish an bake blind in the oven at 180 foa fifteen minits.

Usin’ twelve ounzes of double creem, two tablespoonz of caasta shugga an’ a tiny pinch of sawlt bring to the boil in a sawsepan. Take the pan orf the ‘eat an’ add foa ounzes of melted butta an’ one paand, in chunks, of best Swiss choclit, from Phillippe of course, until evrifing ‘as meltid into a smoove fick liquid. As the choclit mix is coolin’ carefully blend in foa ounzes of cold milk until shiny an’ creemy. Poa into the pre baked shell an’ chill foa two hours. Dust wiv cocoa powda an’ serve to yoa tart.

If this don’t get the juices flowin’ noffink will. You knows wot I mean?

Prawn Pie

 

Anuvva feem on this fish pie comes from Goa, which was once a Portuguese colony, an’ it is cawled ‘Apa de Camarao’

Prawn Pie.

Ingredienz foa the fillin’

Imperial (British)                                                   Metric (Portuguese)

One paand of fresh prawns                                      550gms of fresh prawns

Too tablespoonz of oil                                             30ml of vegetable oil

Free laarge onions                                                    3 large onions

Free tablespoonz of mixed spice                              45ml of mixed spice

Too tablespoonz of shugga                                       30ml of sugar

Quawtta of a pint of coconut milk                           100ml of coconut milk

The spice mix

Too ounzes of dried red chillies                               50grms of dried red chillies

One tablespoon of cummin seeds                             15grms of cumin seeds

Twenty five peppacawns                                          25 peppercorns

Twelve cloves                                                           12 cloves

Too inches of  cinnamon                                           5cms of cinnamon

Ten flakes of garlic                                                   10 slices of finely cut garlic

Too inches of ginja                                                    2 thumbs of ginger

Qwawtta of a teespoon turmeric powda                    2mls of turmeric powder

A pinch of sawlt an’ shugga                                      A pinch of salt and sugar

Clean an’ cut the prawns and apply a wittle sawlt. Heat the oil an’ gentli braan the onions. Stir fry foa foa minits, add the crushed spice paste, shugga an’ sawlt to taste. Finally add the coconut milk an’ cook until dry.

Foa the batta (Goan foa rice an’ coconut mix)

Arf a paand of rice, soaked overnight                       200gms of rice soaked overnight

Six tablespoonz of grated coconut                             90grms of grated coconut

Too egg yolks, beaten                                                2egg yolks, beaten

Free tablespoonz of shugga                                       45grms of sugar

A pinch of sawlt                                                         A pinch of salt

Anuvva pinch of shugga                                             5grms of sugar

One tablespoon of warm wautta                                 15ml of warm water

One and a arf teespoonz of fresh yeast                       8ml of fresh yeast.

Grind the rice an’ coconut togevva usin’ one oa too tablespoonz of warm wautta. Take a laarge bowl an’ add the rice mixture to the egg yolks wiv the shugga an’ a pinch of sawlt. Dissolve a wittle moa shugga in warm wautta. Sprinkul on the yeast and leave foa ten minits. Combine the rice mixture wiv the fermentin’ yeast, covva an’ leave in warm place foa foa to five ‘ours.

Poa arf of the rice mixture into the bottom of a laarge greased dish an’ then spread the prawn fillin’ ova.  Top off wiv the remain’ rice. Bake in a preheated oven on gas mark foa foa firty minits until golden braan. Enjoy wiv a bokkle of ‘Kingfisher’ an’ serve eva warm oa cold.

Favrit fings, Gibson Jimi Page Les Paul

Most Treasured Possession. In 2001 I went to visit mi bruvva in Chilie. He promised to show us awl the ancient sites such as the Diaguitas Peublo Del Norte Verde, the Nayarit Colima Jalisco of the Toltec expansion, the Tamaco Tolita of Puerto Hormiga origins and the Jamacaque Bahia Guangala Capuli Piatal Tunchahuan culminating into the Chavin influence, but also we were to travel to the north to the land of  San Pedro de Atacama to witness the eerily unique sunrise ovva the geysers at El Tatio, an’ in the foothills of the Andes the circling, enormous, menacin’ condors an’ the painfully timid grazin’ Guanacos, Vicunas, Llamas an’ Alpacos. Wot a load of old bollox. But, luckily whilst on sneaky trip to the local town of La Serena I spotted a crumbly old music shop sellin’ mainly crap guitars but foa some strange reason they had two Gibsons in the window. On closer inspection I noticed that they had got the prices in the wrong order. The Les Paul Standard bein’ priced at 850 whilst the Les Paul Special was 1100. I couldn’t resist an even closer look at this stage so I went into the shop an’ requested to play ‘em both. Fackin’ ‘ell I fort, this Standard is not just any old Standard but a Jimmi Page Custom shop model worf abawt £3000 at ‘ome. Betta still when I did the deal wiv the dumb shop owna I chipped him daan a bit becawse it hadn’t got a case. Annuvva tasty part was that mi bruvva bought it froo ‘is company so I didn’t pay the Chilean VAT. I managed to smuggle it back to the UK via Paris an’ the entire deal cost mi 650 quid, sweet oa wot. I’ve nevva played the guitar becawse I’m frightened to scratch it, but it is still one my most treasured possessions.    

Eastern Fodda

 

Goan Bread.

This recipe is best used foa rolls rarvva van foa a laarge loaf, cawse it’s a bit greasy an’ awlways best dipped in somink.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                                    Metric

Arf a paand of flowa                                                 200grms of flour

A pinch of sawlt                                                        A pinch of salt

Too ounzes of butta oa marge                                   50grms of butter

Foa tablespoonz of warm milk                                  60mls of warm milk

Free tablespoonz of warm wautta                              45mls of warm water

One an’ arf tablespoons of shugga                             40grms of sugar

One tablespoon of fresh yeast                                    15grms of fresh yeast

Arf a tablespoon of dried yeast                                   7gms of dried yeast

One egg, beaten, one yolk foa glazin’                        1 beaten egg, 1 yolk for glazing 

Sieve the flowa an’sawlt in a wide bowl adding the butta until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Dissolve the sugar into the warm milk an’ wautta an’ then add the yeast. Place in a warm place foa about foateen minits allowin’ the yeast to ferment. Make a well in the flowa, poa in the yeast along wiv the beaten egg an’ knead into a dough.

Leave the dough in a warm place to rise foa firty minits. Knead again until smoove an’ divide into fifteen equal pieces. Shape the pieces into a bawl an’ place on a greaed baking tray. Covva the tray wiv a cloff an’ return it to the warm place foa twenty minits. Preheat the oven to gas mk. five, brush the tops wiv the egg yolk an’ bake foa fifteen to twenty minits. Finally when they is done place ‘em on a rack to cool.

Suppa

 

Ravioli di Spinaci e Ricotta

Ingredienz

Use the recipe foa ‘omemade pasta ‘pasta ascuita’ on the previous page but keep it ‘as one large sheet that you will need to cut in arf.

Imperial                                                         Metric

Eight ounzes of spinach leaves                       250grms of fresh spinach leaves

Foa ounzes of fresh ricotta cheese                  125grms of fresh ricotta cheese

One ounz of fresh parmesan cheese                25grms of fresh Grano Padano

Sawlt an’ milled black peppa                          salt and freshly milled black pepper

Gratid nutmeg                                                 grated nutmeg

One free range egg, beaten                              1 free range egg, beaten

Serve wiv

Too ounzes of butta                                         50grms of butter

Free to foa fresh sage leaves                            3 to 4 fresh sage leaves

Gratid parmesan cheese                                   grated parmigiano cheese

To make the fillin’, first wash the leaves an’ chop any stalks from the spinach. Place in a sawsepan an’ gentli cook foa five minits without any wautta. Drain by pressin’ daan wiv a plate to squeeze out any excess moisture an’ chop very finely. Put the ricotta an’ parmesan cheese in a bowl an’ mix in the choppt spinach. Add the beaten egg, seasoning an’ nutmeg makin’ a paste.

Roll out the pasta sheet as fin as possible on a flowered, cold board an’ cut into too equal pieces. Arrange the ricotta an’ spinach fillin’ at regular spacin’s awl ovva the sheet at 2 inch intervals; usin’ a teaspoon size foa each portion. Covva wiv the uvva sheet pressin’ araand each maand wiv yoa fingas. Usin’ a pastry cutta wheel, cut the pasta into squares. Cook the ravioli gentli foa foa to five minits. Drain an’ serve wiv meltid butta, sprinkuled wiv sage an’ parmesan cheese.

The ideal wine foa this meal is Barco Reale from vino da Tavola di Tosacano. A rarvva light fruity number that I gets direct from mi mate Valantino in Turin. It’s the dogs.