Emmanuel of Tarascon

On one of mi very early visits to Tarascon, Bouches de Rhone, Provence, I met this character oo cawled 'imself William oa Emmanuel dependin' 'ow Inglish 'ee wanted to saand.By the way, befoa I starts to tell you abawt 'im I'll tell you a wittle abawt Tarascon. Don't eva visit becawse it's a proppa shitole. You 'ave probably 'eard the expression 'Fraance is Dog shit an' Deisel occupied by unfriendly, arrogant arseoles': well Tarascon has the lot. It is inhabited by ner do wells, seedy moronic slopeheads, filfy soap dodgers an' smilin', robbin' deceitful Gitanes. The streets are covered in evri conceivable type, colour an' texture of dogshit. Evri fackin' vehicle pens of dirty deisel, has multicoloured panels wiv interiors that chickins' wouldn't live in.Once magnificent, the majority of the civic buildins are fawlin' daan oa closed, filled wiv sleezy, junky squatters, their rooftops covered wiv Flyin' rats. Worst of awl the nearby Factory 'Tenbec Tommy' spews out toxic chokin' fumes coverin' the town in a blue fog. I, unfortunately spent seven years in this 'armpit' an' met some genuine good friends but awlso some prime cants. Billy Bob turned out just one of these cants, but I could quite easily giv you a fackin' list free pages long of uvvas oo awlso belong in the 'fack orf bin'.

Billy Bob Pigfucker 
I shall tell you this tale even though it 'as noffink to do wiv food. One of mi best mates, cawled Dave Braan, recently remindid mi of this arseole. We boff 'ad the misfortune of meetin' Billy daan in the 'Midi' back in 2002. Dave was a proppa fire bobby in those days but now 'ee sits behind a desk lookin' at motorbikes on the interweb pretendin' that 'ee's checkin' safety equipment an' evrifin.On Saturday nights 'ee used to drive the engine right froo the middle of Wigan where awl the norvern tarts would lift up their tops an' shout "Show us yoa 'elmit big boy!" 








I originally met Emmanuel/William when I stayed in his 'otel on mi first visit to Tarascon. I was lookin' to buy a property at the time, an' to be fair 'ee was very 'elpful regardin local procedure. An'  if noffiink else 'ee introduced me to mi long term mates Fabrice an' Papou Demery oo ran the 'Bistro Theatre': anyway that's anuvva tale which I can tell you abawt later.
Everifink startid ok; the 'otel was cleen an' tidy, William was 'elpful, 'avin good Inglish which 'ee 'ad learnt in Wormwood Scrubs on accaant of livin' in Ingaand bein employed as a mail courrier; but instead of deliverin' 'ee was robbin' the mail. Particularly the stuff that was destined foa Coutts bank. Banged up in the Scrubs foa eighteen momffs foa cashin' the cheques 'ee learnt 'is Inglish from awl of the uvva scroats that were bein detained at her Magestis pleasure. I can usually tell a bullshitter when I meets ones so I took awl of this wiv a pinch of sawlt. Nevva the less, enevitibly, foa awl of his 'elp 'ee wanted favours.
The first favour caused me to leeve mi laast meel in mi 'ouse, befoa I returned to the UK. At seven firty pm, 'ee cawled me to rescue 'im from 'Lulu's fackin' restaurant' located on the very laast smoal coastal piece of land that was the barren shitole known as the Camargue. He demanded that I should tow 'im back becawse his fackin' C15 had broken daan. I returned 'ome at midnight wiv mi tea in the dog. The promised gift of Gin an' lobsters nevva materialised the followin' day so I should 'ave realised that 'ee was a lyin' tossa. Consequently, ova a period of abawt free monffs 'ee requestid 'Ruddles beer', Glenfackinfiddic whisky, Ecclesfackin' cakes, Uncle Joe's fackin' mint bawls an a fackin' Donkey Jackit'. I 'ad 'ad enuuff by then so I fort that I would stitch the cant up by chargin' 'im fifty squid foa the Donkey coat that I had purchased foa foa quid in the UK. But the canni baasturd didn't bite so I was left wiv a coarse, badly made, workies garment.
Wittle did I know 'ee was doin' the same scam wiv mi best mate American Looffa oo was awlso bringin' 'im stuff back from the States at the same time. In Particular Looffa brought 'im  a 'Levis' bib an' brace. William proudly wore it awl the time. This completid the image of 'im just lookin' like a fackin' in bred extra from 'Deliverance': diddy, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong ding. The name 'as stuck. Evri time we tawlk abawt 'im we refer to 'im as Billy Bob Pigfucker, becawse that's wot 'ee fackin' is.