Corporit bullshit

I 'ave nevva 'eard as much as much nonsense spoken when I 'ave 'ad the misfortune of being employed by those faceless coporit gits oo run the 'city'. They sit raand behind their big fack off mahogany tables spoutin' on abawt fack awl, but tryin' to saand important when awl I wants to do is explain one of mi outstandin' recipees such as 'Makin' a cheese ommelit'  

Becawse these executif types caan't cook I treets them like norvern 'erberts by keepin' it simpul. 
Take too eggs out of the bax, then break in a cup an' add sawlt an' peppa. Beat them until slightly froffy. Heat a smaal amaant of butta an' vege oil in a hot pan then add the beaten egg. Turn daan the 'eat befoa addin' the grated 'mature chedda cheese'. When meltid, fold one half ova the uvva. Lift out of the pan an' serve wiv a light salad. piece of piss.


Meanwhile whilst I am explainin' to awl of these chinless wonders the beauty of even simpul foods they are bangin' on abawt: adoptin' “Blue sky thinking”, “Pushing the fackin' envelope”, “Taking the fruit from the lower branches of the tree”, “Leaving a minute carbon footprint”. Claimin' that “It is difficult to fly like an eagle when you are working with turkeys”, “granulisation”, “Takin' a helicopter view”: but don't forget to not use the term “brainstorming” anymore as it may offend people with a disability, the present PC terminology is “thought showering or thought cascading”. Definitely,  “One must attempt to square the circle”, "Bring somfink too the table". Most importantly, there is no ‘I’ in team.                              
I've nevva heard as much shite in my life when I am forced to perform at these corporate 'dos. When they have finished I hit's 'em wiv mi own 'omegrown philosophi. Look arseholes I say.... when in Rome do as the Romans do, when in Turkey, gobble”, an' don't forget “It all depends which side of the oxo cube you are looking at”. But mi coup de grace is "Don't let the same dog bite you twice!" Wiv that I leaves them open mouthed as  I leave wiv 5 tax free laarge in mi pocket. Cushty.

Grilled Madagascan Jabbis

 

Favourit 'ome cooked meel. Bein’ one of the most travelled, most experimental chefs in the world its difficult just ‘avin’ one but if I ‘ad to choose it would almost certainly be ‘Grilled Madagascan Jabbis’. I was ova there laast year, part ‘oliday an’ part work. Mi an’ mi local girlfriend were out on the boat bobbin’ abawt near a rocky outcrop just above a reef. This is ideal environment for the Jabbis. Befoa I knows it mi bird dives straight into the wautta, disappears foa abawt foateen minits an’ then resurfaces wiv two of the beasts. She then frows ‘em into the boat an’ swims daan again to eventually return wiv annuvva two. These prehistoric creatures are giant crayfish that grow to phenomenal sizes becawse of the local wautta an’ reef conditions: its somefink to do wiv the oxygenation an’ the micro phytoplankton that exist in the sea araand there. ‘Motolita’, mi bird then takes us off to the nearest island, builds a driftwood fire, boils a pan of salt wautta an’ bungs ‘em in. Awlmost instantly they turns from blue green to a wonderful bright sunrise red. Cleverly she kept one back to barbeque. My mate Vinnie is the best barbequer in the business but even he couldn’t surpass ‘Moto’. Split in arf an’ slightly smoked ova the brushwood fire, occasionally dripped wiv a mild chilli sawse they are just the dogs. Each animal was at least two paand, the ‘ead alone was as big as mi fist so they are an’ ample meal foa anybody. Arfta we had done the Jabbis wiv a bokkle of Montagny premier Cru we watched the most beautiful peaceful sunset an’ ‘ad a bit of ‘ole. Nah, that’s wot I calls eatin’.     

Career choice

• "Neets". This is a government description, principally referring to 16 to 25 year old male and female yooffs as, “Persons who are not in employment, education or training” The prediction is that this percentage will grow ova the years becawse immigrant workers are betta prepared to accept the job offas that the “neets” refuse. Wivvin this group there is a 'igh percentage of drug an' alcohol abusers, single parents, benefit fraudsters an' soap dodgers. Worse still none of these peepul can even boil a fackin' egg. 
• Moa recently they 'ave taken to the streets in protest at not 'avin anyfin. Naturally their response was to target awl the up market stores in the UK, smash the windas an' just take wot they want. Knock seven shades of shit awt of any one who got in their way, burn buildins' daan becawse they were cold, frow bricks an' concreete at the plod becawse they were asleep in their tranny vans, after which they videod awl of their antics foa fackin' yooootube an' twatter.Ofcorse awl the lazee, corrupt, fascist MPs were up in arms blamin' everi facker but themseleves claimin' that this "minority, disfunctional section of feral yoof aint representatif of Britain as a 'hole". "It 'as been the fawlt of previous goverments, lack of parental support, poor education, lack of local community buildin's, immigration policy, no moa free fackin' milk, mi granni's nick mi stash, mi trainers is too monffs old....etc..etc...It's awl bollocks becawse as a nation we 'ave encouraged the academically gifted at the expense of vocational opportunitees foa the fick sods who could 'ave been the next generation of joiners, brickies, plumbers. Awl respected trades that 'ave been neglectid foa firty years. Reep as you shall sow, sayeth the lawd.
• There are radical ways to solve this problem of free generations of thieving robbing parasitic spongers an' that is to cut any anti social male yoofs knackers off wiv a rusty saw an' charge a baby tax on any slapper oo 'as a child befoa the age of foateen. But I don't fink that it would pass European law oa slip under the radar of the green welly brigade.Mind you,I fink that I may 'fly this particular kite' during next weeks noosnight just to test the wautta.
• Anyway I shall put this right by teechin' these disaffected yooves 'ow to boil an egg. Take one egg awt of the box. Boil wautta in a pan, place the egg in the wautta foa too minits foa soft an' free foa 'ard. Now then, evin norveners can do that. 

Duck soop

 

Duck an’ Ginja Stew (Madagascar)

I’ve gotta a local bird ovva there cawled ‘Motolita’ who does this recipee foa mi evri time I visit. She says its an affrodisiac an’ becawse I’m getting’ on a bit I need a bit of ‘elp. Cheeky monkee.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                           Metric

Foa duck cuisses, legs, skin an’ fat left on       4 duck legs with the skin and fat left on.

Too red onions                                                  2 red onions

Eight cloves of garlic, crushed                         8 cloves of garlic crushed

Too an’ a quawtta paands of tomatas               1 kg of tomatoes, skinned and chopped

Too ounzes of ginja                                          50grms of fresh root ginger 

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                Salt and freshly milled black pepper

Place the legs in a laarge pan an’ covva wiv wautta, simma uncovered foa at least one ‘our until the wautta ‘as evaporated an’ the legs are sittin’ in their own juices an’ fat. Strain off the fat an’ covva wiv a wittle moa wautta, Slice the ginja into julienne strips, skin an’ roughly chop the toms, skin an’ crush the cloves of garlic an’ cut the onions finely. Add awl of these ingredienz to the pan, simma foa twenty five minits until the legs are covered in fick marmalade sawse.

The strained fat can now be used to roast some potatas. Add some dried chilli flakes, sawlt an peppa an’ serve wiv the duck. It’s a very rich meel but sometimes you’ve got to treet yoaself.

Mi Norvern Bird

This is mi wiv mi Norvern bird Julie, she's fick as pigshit, has huge silicons, but she's good as gold: she's awlso is a good shag.Evri weekend she comes raand foa a curry oa a lenff of poawk; eva way she's 'appy. I don't let her stay to long becawse she's got this stoopid dawtta, Annussa oo's awlways moanin' on abawt 'ow her boyfriend oo can't keep it up on accaant of 'im bein' pissed an' off his 'ead on weed awl the time.The council have promised her a flat becawse she's expectin' her fird sprog an' there's not enuuff room at Juilies foa the foa of them an' the dogs. I'm 'oppin it don't 'appen becawse I'll be stuck wiv Julie awl week. They're awlright in smoall doses but I couldn't put up wiv an unsofisticated norverner evri day.

Thai Delight

 

Roti Canai, crispy pancake (Thailand)

This involves makin’ too types of simpul dough, one bein’ placed inside the uvva, to create this interesting pancake. They can accompany any sort of curry.

I normally makes this foa mi Thai posse when I am in Pataya, enjoyin', if you know wot I mean!!

Ingredienz 

Dough 1

Imperial                                                         Metric

Arf a paand of plain flowa                              300grms of plain flour

One teespoon of sawlt                                    5grms of salt

Arf a teespoon shugga                                    2.5grms of sugar

Free tablespoonz of meltid butta oa oil          45grms of melted butter or oil

One egg, beaten                                              1 egg, beaten

Free fluid ounzes of milk                                60mls of milk

Free tablespoonz of wautta                             45mls of water

Dough 2

Foa ounzes of plain flowa                                150grms of flour

Free ounzes of softened butta oa oil                65grms of softened butter or oil

To make dough 1 combine the sawlt, flowa an’ shugga in a mixin’ bowl. Add the softened butta oa oil an’ mix togevva wiv yoa finga tips. Beat the egg an’ milk then add enuff wautta to make six fluid ounzes of the liquid.

Slowly add five ounzes of the egg mixture to the bowl. Mix to make a soft pliable dough. Add the remain’ liquid if the dough seems too dry. Knead the dough well on a flowered surface until it is smoove an’ elastic. Shape into a roll an divide into eight equal pieces. Roll each piece into bawl an’ coat generously wiv some butta oa oil, set aside foa one oa too ‘ours.

To make dough 2 combine the butta oa oil wiv the flowa and mix until a smoove dough as formed. Divide into eight equal pieces rollin’ each into a bawl. Covva wiv a cloff an’ set to one side.

To make the ‘roti’, flatten one dough bawl from 1 into a disc about 3inchis in diameter. Place dough bawl 2 in the centre of the disc an’ wrap. On a lightly flowa coatid surface usin’ a rollin’ pin flatten the bawl into a rectangular piece 5x 6 an’ a arf inchis. Roll up the dough lengthways to make a long round shape. Flatten an’ make it into a thin long sheet. Now, roll it from the short end to make a short fat roll.

Cut the roll into too equal arfs. Sit the dough on its side (the spiral of the dough facin’ upwards) an’ roll it into a flat disc of five inch diameter lightly marked wiv the concentric circles.

In a fryin’ pan oa griddle ‘eat arf a tablespoon of oil an’ cook the roti foa about too oa free minits on each side until goldin braan. Transfer to a flat surface pushin’ the edgs of the roti so that they fluff up the middle layers.

Serve ‘ot wiv any curry oa fick soop. 

Arepas, Central American breads

 

Tortillas, Masa Harina, Arepas, Masarepa (Mexico, an’ Central Americas)

Masa Harina an’ Masarepa are prepared flowas from lye treated, pre-cookt milled cawn, the raw material of ‘tortillas’ an’ ‘arepas’. Bowff are griddled baked flat breads of varyin’ ficknesses which serve the same purpose as other flatbreads, a food wrapper, a portable plate, spoon, fawk an’ edible scoop. Table implements are kept to a minimum in the ‘eat of the tropics foa practical reasons of hygiene.

These are the daily breads of the Saaf Americans.

Arepas

Andean cawn wiv it’s laarge starchy white kernels is used for makin’ Arepas. These bein’ ficker an’ therefore easier to make at ‘ome than Mexican tortillas, have crisp crust, soft interior but a very short shelf like.

To prepare bowff arepas an’ tortillas it is important to locate dried cawn kernels strippt from the cob. Soak in fresh wautta overnight wiv a pinch of ‘lye’, drain an’ grind into a mush. Knead wiv a wittle sawlt into a smoove soft dough. An alternative, is to locate ready prepared flowas which can be stored like any normal flowa. Masa harina an’ masarerpa are different from ‘cawnmeel oa polenta’ which has been processed. When the cawnmeel is treetid wiv ‘lye’ (limewash oa wood ash). It ‘as greater nutritional value, as proven in Africa where much of the cawn does not ‘ave this additive cawsin’ problems wiv the indigenous population. Of course you couldn’t tell Saint bloody Bono that when he started unloadin’ awl of this crap meel believin’ he was doin ‘em a favva: wanka.

When the basic flowa is mixed wiv it’s own volume of warm wautta, wiv oa wivout enrichin’ fat, it can be worked into a dough. This can be baked in the form of flatbread, oa used as an encasin’ pastry foa ‘empanadillos’, wittle pastries. Prepared harina is awlso the raw material foa ‘tamales’. These are dumplins made from harina plus an addition of free tablespoonz of fat an’ later steemed. In its most digestible form it can be eaten as ‘atole’, either a brof  based gruel made wiv milk, oa sweetened an’ flavoured with cinnamon, drunk ‘ot oa cold.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of masarepa flowa                        500grms of ‘masarepa’ flour

Arf a pint of wautta                                        300mls of water

Usin’ already prepared dough dampen the ‘ands an’pat out the masarepa to make flat cakes free inchis in diameter an’ a arf inch fick.

Bake on a ‘ot very lightly greased griddle. Remove as soon as the surface blisters black. Eat straight from the pan. In Caracas they like to eat them wiv the doughy interior pulled out an’ replaced wiv creem cheese oa ‘oney.

When they become stale which can be as quick as one ‘our treet as a left ova. Soak in milk oa brof (stock) to make porridge oa make ‘eggy’ bread. Tear the pancakes into pieces, dip in the beaten egg, fry until crisp an’ eat wiv chilli sawse