Synopsis

I 'ope that you are injoyin' awl mi recipees, don't forget to tell awl of yoa friends, if you've got any that is. Rememba there is a dictionary foa fick norverners postid on the tenf of august (10.08.11) which will explain proppa language so you can understand my philosiphi an' uvva stuff. Tell awl of yoa friends to become 'members' oa followers. The recipees will be postid like startas, main, desserts oa any uvva way that I feels like so you can dip in an' awt.

I am addin' a few extra in the next day oa so becawse I go back to fraance tomorra foa moa research. It's difficult to post ova there becawse the frogs aint exactly up to speed wiv technology: awl they fink abawt is wine, cheese, bread, eatin an' shaggin'.

Bass wiv Vanilla (Madagascar)

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Too paand fillits of sea bass                           900grms of filleted fresh sea bass

Too ounzes of butta                                        50grms of butter

One tablespoon of green peppacawns            15grms of fresh green peppercorns

Free fluid ounzes of mandarin eau-de-vie      75ml of Cointreau, orange liquor

Nine fluid ounzes fish stock                           250mls of fish stock

Seven fluid ounzes of double creem               200ml of double cream

One vanilla pod split lenfways                       1 vanilla pod split lengthways

Arf a lime an’ parsley                                     1lime cut into wedges, chopped parsley

Mi bird ‘Mota’ likes to give mi this one aswell becawse she claims it lenfens the act of lovemakin’. I think its a load of bollox, cawse its just as easy to pop a viagra if the old boy lets you daan. Anyway, these vanilla sawses ‘ave been araand foa a wittle while in the UK, particularly in fashionable Chelsea, but ‘Mota’ claims that they ‘ave been as common as muck in Madagascar foa centuries. If possible awlways use fresh vanilla an’ peppacawns but the dried varieties are acceptable. Becawse of my vaast kitchen I awlso stock ‘mandarin eau-de vie’ but ‘cointreau’ can be substituted especially if you live in the norf.

De-scale, clean an’ fillit the fish, season well wiv sawlt. Melt the arf of the butta in good strong pan, add the fillits flesh daan foa one minit until slightly coloured, turn the fish an’ cook foa a furvva minit. Then, add the peppacawns cook foa a minit to bring out their flavva. Poa in the eau- de-vie an’ flambé. Remove the fish an keep warm.

Add the fish stock to the pan an’ reduce until a syrup ‘as formed. The seeds can be scraped from the vanilla pod stirred into the mix along wiv the creem. Cook foa about one minit finally whiskin’ the remainin’ cubes of butta. Poa the sawse ovva the fish an’ garnish wiv lime wedges an choppt flat leafed parsley.

Any dense fish can be used in this dish such as trout, sea bream oa even dovva sole. The sawse does seem very sweet an’ rich but it really is a winna, believe me.

Bisque

Crayfish Bisque (Saaf African)

This mate of mine who often visits South Africa liberated this recipe from one of his student’s daan there. He goes there pretendin’ to be a doctor supportin’ a clinic fundid by the worlds ‘elf ofority. He raises loads of money foa Liverpool uni wiv exchange students an’ awlso tells the saaf Africans how to spend awl the aid money proppa instead of pissin’ it away like Saint fackin’ Boner an’ that uvva Irish tossa did in the eighties. They don’t ‘ave much education daan there but they do ‘ave the biggist crayfish goin. This recipe is normally foa eight people becawse it usually is eatan at party times.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Nine fluid ounzes vegetable oil                      250ml vegetable oil

Six an’ a arf paand live crayfish choppt         3kg of live crayfish, chopped

Too ounz of butta                                            50gms of butter

Foa carrots diced                                              4 carrots diced

Too sticks of celri choppt                                2 sticks of celery chopped    

Free onions choppt                                          3 onions chopped

Too leeks choppt                                             2 leeks chopped

One bulb of garlic choppt an’ crushed            1 bulb of garlic chopped and crushed

Nine fluid ounzes of brandy                            250ml of brandy

One bokkle of white wine                                1 bottle of white wine

Ten ounzes of tomata puree                             275grms of tomato puree

Fifteen ripe toms arved                                    15 ripe tomatoes cut in half

Too bay leaves                                                 2 bay leaves

Foa sprigs of fresh thyme                                4 sprigs of fresh thyme

Seven pintz of fish oa chickin stock                4lts of fish or chicken stock

A wittle mashed spud to ficken                       A little mashed potato to thicken

Sawlt an’ freshly graand peppa                       salt and freshly milled pepper

Select a very laarge pan an’ ‘eat the oil until it is smokin’. Add the choppt crayfish an’ cook strongly until they become a bright red colour. Turn daan the ‘eat an’ add the butta, carrots, celri, onions, leeks an’ garlic to sweat foa a couple of minits. Poa ovva the brandy an’ flame.

Add the white wine an’ reduce by about a arf. Squirt in the tomata puree to cook until the sawse fickens. Lastly put in the arved toms, fresh ‘erbs an’ the ‘omemade stock. Covva an’ gentli simma foa an ‘our. If necessary add the mashed spud to ficken a bit moa. Push the mix froo a fine sieve, check the seasoning an’ serve wiv some crusty cobs.

Favrit fings besides cookin' an' shaggin'.

 

                                              Nick’s favrit fings

Childhood Ambition Like awl kids kickin’ a bawl araand the streets the dream of bein’ a professional footbawler was on the top of evribodies list. Mi mates wanted to play foa the ‘ammers but I was determined to play foa Spurs. I grew up wiv the likes of Alan Gilsean, Jimmy Greaves, Johnny ‘aynes an’ Dave Mckay, they were my heros. I was spoottid one time by a scout from Spurs whilst I was playin foa mi local pub team but I had to turn ‘em daan on account of ‘avin’ to look arfta mi dear old mum who was quite ill by that time. He said that I could be better than Moore if I worked hard. “Bloody ‘ell, as good as the great Bobby” I said, “no” he chuckled “Roger”. The baastard. But, I nevva fort in a million years that I would become a world renowned chef, the envy of the many pretenders, respected frooout the trade, imitated by the best an’ still modest wiv it. So, I suppose the disappointment of not becoming a top flight footbawler earning proppa money an’ shaggin’ awl the claasy birds is somefink that I don’t miss. Becawse, I got awl that aswell, an’make even moa money an’ shag moa girls, by workin’ in a kitchen

A language explained

 It is probably better at this point to offer an easier route into the complexities of proppa language that onli exists in the saaf of Englund. The primitiv norf 'ave a lotta catchin up when it comes daan to the Queens own.

                          The Collins Dictionary of the Norf an’ Saaf 

 

        Saaf                                                                                               Norf

A     

     ‘andful                                                                                     handful, cupful

      an’                                                                                                    and

      annuvva                                                                        an alternative, another

     ‘appy                                                                      a person who is pissed, happy

     ‘arf                                                                                                    half

     ‘arfta                                                                                                later

     ‘arved                                                                              to make two of something

      awlways                                                                                       repetitive, always

      awlso                                                                                        incuding, as well

      awt                                                                                       external, exposed, out

      abawt                                                                        approximately, an estimation    

B    

      batta                               to strike someone excessively, a coating for fish, batter

      bawn                                                                                        birth, hatched, born

      bawls                                                                       balls, football, cricket or pork

      becawse                                                                something necessary or actually

      befoa                                                                  preceding, premature, in front of

      biggist                                                                                   the largest one

      blenda                                                                          a machine that purees food

      blendid                                                              to have mixed different materials

      boad                                           to be fed up, a flat piece of timber to roll pastry 

      bowff                                                                                together, more than one

      bollox                                                      to make a mess of something, scrota (n)

      bokkle                                            a glass vessel usually containing wine or beer

      bovva                                                                        trouble, an argument, bother  

      braan                   normally used to describe food that is cooked golden, brown

      broff                                                                                              a hearty soup                                              

      bruvva                                                                   a close family relative, brother

  

C

     cant                                                                                                        c**t

     cawns                                     hard skin usually on the foot, or the seed of maize

     cawse                                                                  an abbreviated term for because

     cawled                                                                                 call, or some ones name

     chillt                                                              normally served cold from the fridge

     clevva                                                                           extremely intelligent, canny

     cloff                                                                                             material or linen

     cylinda                                                                             a long narrow tube shape

D

      daan                                                                                                      below,down         

      dog’s                               exceptional, the ultimate, definitive, premier, the best

      deftli                                                                        to be skilful with one’s hands

      densa                                        to become thick in consistency or not too bright

      dishis                                                                                  crockery, ceramic pots

E

    ‘ead                                    a sexual act usually given by a bird, a toilet on a boat

    ‘eavier                                                                something that is difficult to lift

    ‘elasticatid                                                                   to have stretch or flexibility

    ‘elfi                                                                in excellent condition, prime, healthy            

    ‘elpin’                                                                                   a portion or a measure

     endawsements                                                             people who offer assistance

     enuff                                                                                       sufficient, ample

    ‘erberts                                                              people from the north of England

    ‘erf                                                                                                the world

    ‘erffiness                                                            earthy of flavour, warm hearted

    ‘erfinware                                                       vessels usually made from fired clay

    ‘evrifin’                                                                                              all

F

      faand                                                                                      to discover, found                                                                                   

      fawk                                                                               a item of cutlery or to mix

      fick                                                                a retard, a simpleton, a slow person  

      ficken                                                                              to enrich, make denser

      fin                                                                       someone with an eating disorder                 

      finna                                                                                           thinly cut, good

      fing                                                                                                   an object

      fingas                                                        normal people have four on each hand

      fird                                                                                number three in the series

      firty                                                                                          the number thirty

      flavva                                                                  a product that has a strong taste

      free                                                                                          the number three

      frill                                                                           exciting, pleasurable, orgasm

      foa                                                                                       the number four or for

      foafree                                                                       something for nothing, a gift

      forrowly                                                 energetically, consistently, continuously

      foateen                                                                                    the number fourteen

      freezza                                             a household machine to preserve foodstuffs

      froff                                                                               the creamy top to a ‘latte’

      froo                                                                                                        through                               

      fum                                                                              the fifth digit on one’s hand

      furvva                                                                                            a long way away

G

      gardin                                            usually found at the rear of some ones house

      gentli                                                                               carefully, tenderly, softly

      geeza                                                       a gentleman from the south of England

      glaas                  windows are made from this substance, a vessel to drink from

      goinna                                                                imminent, immediately, going to

      goldin                                                    a precious metal, or as in golden brown

      gotta                                                             a task that must be completed, got to 

H

      hoption                                                                               a choice, a decision              

I

J

K

L

     larf                                  to enjoy oneself, usually at the other person’s expense                        

     lawd turd                        a delusional person who thinks that they are wealthy

     lenff                                                                         describing the size of an object

     lenffen                                                                    to enhance the size of an object

     lenffways                                                                               along the longest edge

M

     Markit                                                                        a place to buy fresh produce

     matta                                                                                         substance, subject

     meffod                                                     the steps to take to successfully achieve

     mentul                                                                              slightly insane, eccentric

     minit                                                                                  one sixtieth of one hour

     monf                                        normally a period of thirty days, twelve in a year

     muppet                                                                       a person of little intelligence

N

      nevva                                                        impossible, not going to happen, never                

      noffink                                                        to not have anything at all, penniless

      noo                                                                    fresh, straight out of the box, new

      norvern                                                               existing in the north of England

O

      oa                                                                                                an alternative, or

      offa                                                                                          to obtain something

      offova                                                              to obtain something from someone

     ‘ollow                                                                                         empty or vacuous

     ‘omemade                                         something that has been prepared in house

      owdinary                                                                               not unusual, simple    

      orf                                                an alternative to off usually spoken by royalty

      outta                                                                          on the exterior, coming from

      ova                                                                              turned over, being deceived

      ovanight                                                             leave until the following morning

      ovaweight                          a fat bastard, most common in the north of England

P

      piece of piss                     something that is regarded as being easy to complete

      plentee                                                                    sufficient, have a great deal of

      poa                                                                                         to pour often a liquid

      polyfeen                                                                  a transparent plastic material

      pre-cookt                                                                              prepared before hand

      pre-eatid                                                      often used when referring to an oven

      proppa                                                             correct, right, clean, exact, proper      

Q

      queea                         queer, brown hatter, bender, shirt, puff, shit stabber, etc

R

      raand                                                           a circular object, or to visit someone  

      rarvva                                                                                          other than

      remainin’                                                                                    the last few

      rosie                                                                     a refreshing breakfast beverage           

      ruff(li)                                                            uncouth, torn edges, approximately

S

      sawse                                                                               a cheeky person, gravy      

      simpul                                                                             fascile, easy or mental

      shaggin’                                                                           the art of love making

      shit’ole                                                                         a dirty often grimy place

      shugga                                a term of endearment for a young girl, a sweetener

      silicones                                                                                female breasts

      simma                                                                                    to cook slowly

      spoonz                                         a form of cutlery usually for soup or puddings

      smoove                       a person wearing a suit, the texture of a surface or a mix

      somfink                                                                                            anything                                                                     

      steama                       an extremely large jobby, a Ban Marie, a pan with water

      stoa                                                                         to keep safe, use at a later date

      strippt                                                                                                    laid bare

T

      taan                                                                              a large metropolis, London  

      tablespoon                                                                                            15mls

      takin’                                            to liberate, steal, obtain, denigrate (as in piss)

      teespoon                                                                                                 5mls

      togevva                                                                                              combined

      Torygraaph                     a broad sheet newspaper usually read by posh people

      tossa                                                             tosser, a fool, waster, not very bright

      treetid                                              when a surface has had a protective coating

      treecul              another term for a girlfriend, daughter, black sticky substance

      tuff                                                                when meat is usually of poor quality

U

     uncoof                                rough around the edges, impolite, without principles     

     unsawlted                                                                            does not contain salt                    

     usis                                                                                                 to apply

     uvva                                                                                      an alternative, other 

     uvvaone                                                         to choose something else, other one

V

    van                                                                                                      than

    ven                                                                                              now and then

    vinniga                                        a multi-use substance but normally for pickling

W

    wautta                                                                  a clear liquid coming out of a tap 

    wanka                                                                                         a fool, waster 

    wevva                     the climatic conditions of a country, or ‘it could be possible’

    winta, spring, summa, autum                                              the seasons of the year

    wittle                                                       of small stature, usually an angry person

    wiv                                                                             also, with, an accompaniment

    wivany                                                                                       combined with

    wivawt                                                                                       to possess very little

    woodin                                             a slow person, material extracted from a tree

    worf                                                 to express the value of someone or something

    wot                                    often refers to an object, but can also mean excuse me

X

Y

     yella                                                                          one of the three prime colours      

     yoa                                                                                                 you or your

Z