Too's up

This is Julie an' 'er best mate Saandra. Arfta a meel I sometimes asks Julie to bring raand 'er mate Saandra foa too's up, minge munchin' oa a bit of strpadictomy. She's a genuine too bagger but arfta a couple of bokkles of Gevry, several 6 inch spliffs a generous 'elpin of German Pawn it don't really matta. Hey mate, don't knock it if you aint tried it.

Time now foa a quick norvern recipee 


First walk into Wigan taan centre to the CPD (central pie district). Then purchase too Greenhalges Potato an Meet pies. Cross the road to gain access to the Market Hall to purchase too Edwardses balm cakes. Walk home quite quickly so that the pies don't go cold. Slice the balms in arf an' generously butta boff sides. Squirt on some HP, to taste, then place the pies on the bottom arf  an' then top wiv the uvva. Enjoy.

Pat Butcha

Favourit piece of furniture. That’s easy; it’s got be mi noo HD ready 52 inch awl raand saand flat screen. 

Best gift received. Without doubt it’s ‘elf, wealf, ‘appiness, good fawtune, an’ a Venetian glaas chandelier that mi first wife gave mi. It’s ‘and blown and was probably made in the firties.

Favourit item of clothing. There’s noffink better than slippin on a smart whistle. Paul Smiff, Christian Dioa, Gabbanna, Givenchy an’ that Japanese fruit who lives in Dublin, I got ‘em awl. But, mi favrit garment is a pair of old ‘Levis’ that I just hangs offava mi ‘ips, revealin a temptin’ inch of crack: that sends the girls wild.

Favourit films. Evri film that Michael was in, plus, King Kong, Olivier’s Richard the fird, The Dirty Dozen, The Bridge ova the River Kwai (cawse, one of mi Tie birds lives near there an’ it reminds mi of jungles, wautta an’ big leaves), the Rocky an’ Rambo series (but not that American ‘Get Carter’ becawse that was shite), Mrs Robinson, that film where that bloke says “Go on punk do you fink your lucky” an’ laastly Godfarva too. I don’t like noffink arfta 1990.   

If you were to die and come back as another person who would it be. I would want to be a cross between Michael, Ossie Ardilles an’ Pat Butcha.

Not just Mexico

 

Tortillas.

The daily bread of Nicaragua, Guatemala an’Mexico it is lightly milled, pattid by ‘and an’ cookt on a griddle oa a ‘comal’, an erfinware tawa.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

One paand of  maize kernels                          500grms of maize kernels

Too pintz of wautta                                        1ltr of water

Too teespoonz of quicklime                           10ml of quicklime

Soak the maize ova night in the wautta. Bring to the boil an’ cook foa one ‘our. The skins will turn bright yellow an’ loosen. Rub off the skins, rinse thoroughly, puree the resultant mush, ‘nixtamal’, in a ‘metale oa blenda until it forms a dense mass. Knead until a soft dough is formed, smoove an’ flexible. Divide into sixteen walnut sized bawls.

Flatten the dough bawls lightly an’ covva wiv clingfilm to keep them soft whilst you are workin’ on the pancakes. Pat an’ roll each bawl into a thin pancake about five inchis in diameter. Dampen the ‘ands in warm wautta an’ pat the dough alternatively ‘and to ‘and to thin out the tortilla. Pre-‘eat a griddle oa fryin’ pan an’ wipe wiv a cloff dippt in lard. Cook the tortilla one minit each side until the edges begin to curl. Save in a warm teetowel until awl of them are done.

To soften by re-‘eatin’ in an oven, wrap in tin foil, about six at a time, foa twenty minits. Anuvva meffod is to simpli re-‘eat on a griddle placin’ one on top of the uvva  until they are toasted on bowff sides. Serve wiv mashed avocado, affectionately cawled Aztec butta.

'Ow to draw Nick

'Ave a bit of fun tryin' to create Nick. It's a break from awl of his wonderful recipees but moa importantly it can be the ideal time to bond wiv yoa disfunctional kids.

First start wiv a simpul line drawin to sketch out the basic feetures of the face. then gradually build up the light an' shade to complete Nick's craggy yet 'andsome visage

These stages of drawin's will 'elp you oa yoa Feral kids to recreate me perfectly. It's a much betta option than playin' wiv computer games, smokin' dope, swiggin' cheep vodka oa shaggin' when you are underage an' producin' yet annuva generation of baarsturd sprogs oo will finish up rampagin' the streets of Britain unchecked by our toofless bobbies.

The ten faces of Nick

Becawse time has not been too kind to Nick his craggy ravaged mush is a cross between Richard 'arries, Oliva Reed an' an' old levva shoulda bag. thus is the cost of fame, riches an' birds.

Simpul, delicious, fruitcake

Farm’ouse Fruit cake

I ain’t one foa eatin’ cake but this is really simpul an’ ‘olesome. It’s moa like a cake foa blokes who work on a buildin’ site an’ don’t want to look like Billies eatin’ girlie cake like éclairs an’ the like.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Foa ounzes of plain flowa                              100grms of plain flour

A pinch of sawlt                                             A pinch of salt

Five ounzes of ‘olewheat flowa                     125grms of wholewheat flour

Too teespoonz of bakin’ powda                     2x15ml of baking powder

One teespoon of mixed spice                         1x5ml of mixed spice

Arf a teespoon of cinnamon                           1x2.5ml of cinnamon

Foa ounzes of braan shugga                           100gms of brown shugga

Foa ounzes of butta oa marge                         100grms of butter

Too ounzes of choppt mixed peel                   50grms of chopped mixed peel

Arf a paand of mixed dried fruit                     200gms of dried mixed fruit

Too free range eggs, beaten                            2 free range eggs, beaten

Too tablespoonz of marmalade                       2x15ml of marmalade

A wittle milk                                                   A little milk if necessary

Sift the plain flowa an’ sawlt into a large mixin’ bowl, then stir in the ‘olewheat flowa, bakin’ powda, mixed spice, cinnamon an’ shugga. Rub in the butta, stir in the remainin’ ingredienz an’ mix well: if the mixture is a wittle fick then add some milk. Spoon into a greased eight inch tin an’ bake in a warm oven, gas mk.free foa an ‘our an’ a arf. If the top of the cake becomes too braan durin’ the cookin’ then covva wiv some greaseproof paper. Finally, knock it out an’ place on wire rack to cool off. When it is cool, store it in a sealed tin.  

This is so simpul even mi fick norvern bird could make it. Mind you I awlways need to give her a wittle coachin' from behind, if you knows wot I mean

Mi wiv mi Bangkok Lady Boys

This is mi posin' wiv mi Bangkok Lady boys. The one second from the left is mi favrit becawse 'ee givs the best 'ead in Tieland: the uvvas are OK but they ain't a patch on Eric.
Notice that I is embracin' the culture wiv a false bra an' stilletoes. To make it really lifelike we strap our bollocks an' knob in between our legs just touchin' the arse cheeks. From awl intents an' purpose we gotta proppa VW. The choice of lingerie is very important: it must be sexy but not trashy. We tend to use Victoria Beckham's 'dusky chuff' range of fongs, nipple bras an' them fings that 'old yoa stockins up. The group dynamics changes quite regularly especially when I am on mi lecture tour of WI's, Sally Ann soop kitchens, the old lady Buffalos in the US an' the French Foreign Legion Naffis. But on a break it is easy foa me to slip back into full character, just like wearin' an old glove. We can make abawt foateen laarge everi night foa just too sets: cushty.


There is just time foa a quick recipee. This is dead local to Bangkok but you can find the same awl ova Tieland.
First locate and gavva any conceivable insect inside yoa apartment. There  is goin' to be loads, spiders roaches, prayin' mantis, scorpians, beetles, witchity grubs, moffs, butterflies, big fack orf mossies an' daddy fackin longlegs.
In a wok heat free tablespoonz of engine oil. Add the insects foa too minits. Strain orf the oil an' serve them 'ot wiv Heinz toomata sawse. Bootiful