Emmanuel of Tarascon

On one of mi very early visits to Tarascon, Bouches de Rhone, Provence, I met this character oo cawled 'imself William oa Emmanuel dependin' 'ow Inglish 'ee wanted to saand.By the way, befoa I starts to tell you abawt 'im I'll tell you a wittle abawt Tarascon. Don't eva visit becawse it's a proppa shitole. You 'ave probably 'eard the expression 'Fraance is Dog shit an' Deisel occupied by unfriendly, arrogant arseoles': well Tarascon has the lot. It is inhabited by ner do wells, seedy moronic slopeheads, filfy soap dodgers an' smilin', robbin' deceitful Gitanes. The streets are covered in evri conceivable type, colour an' texture of dogshit. Evri fackin' vehicle pens of dirty deisel, has multicoloured panels wiv interiors that chickins' wouldn't live in.Once magnificent, the majority of the civic buildins are fawlin' daan oa closed, filled wiv sleezy, junky squatters, their rooftops covered wiv Flyin' rats. Worst of awl the nearby Factory 'Tenbec Tommy' spews out toxic chokin' fumes coverin' the town in a blue fog. I, unfortunately spent seven years in this 'armpit' an' met some genuine good friends but awlso some prime cants. Billy Bob turned out just one of these cants, but I could quite easily giv you a fackin' list free pages long of uvvas oo awlso belong in the 'fack orf bin'.

Billy Bob Pigfucker 
I shall tell you this tale even though it 'as noffink to do wiv food. One of mi best mates, cawled Dave Braan, recently remindid mi of this arseole. We boff 'ad the misfortune of meetin' Billy daan in the 'Midi' back in 2002. Dave was a proppa fire bobby in those days but now 'ee sits behind a desk lookin' at motorbikes on the interweb pretendin' that 'ee's checkin' safety equipment an' evrifin.On Saturday nights 'ee used to drive the engine right froo the middle of Wigan where awl the norvern tarts would lift up their tops an' shout "Show us yoa 'elmit big boy!" 








I originally met Emmanuel/William when I stayed in his 'otel on mi first visit to Tarascon. I was lookin' to buy a property at the time, an' to be fair 'ee was very 'elpful regardin local procedure. An'  if noffiink else 'ee introduced me to mi long term mates Fabrice an' Papou Demery oo ran the 'Bistro Theatre': anyway that's anuvva tale which I can tell you abawt later.
Everifink startid ok; the 'otel was cleen an' tidy, William was 'elpful, 'avin good Inglish which 'ee 'ad learnt in Wormwood Scrubs on accaant of livin' in Ingaand bein employed as a mail courrier; but instead of deliverin' 'ee was robbin' the mail. Particularly the stuff that was destined foa Coutts bank. Banged up in the Scrubs foa eighteen momffs foa cashin' the cheques 'ee learnt 'is Inglish from awl of the uvva scroats that were bein detained at her Magestis pleasure. I can usually tell a bullshitter when I meets ones so I took awl of this wiv a pinch of sawlt. Nevva the less, enevitibly, foa awl of his 'elp 'ee wanted favours.
The first favour caused me to leeve mi laast meel in mi 'ouse, befoa I returned to the UK. At seven firty pm, 'ee cawled me to rescue 'im from 'Lulu's fackin' restaurant' located on the very laast smoal coastal piece of land that was the barren shitole known as the Camargue. He demanded that I should tow 'im back becawse his fackin' C15 had broken daan. I returned 'ome at midnight wiv mi tea in the dog. The promised gift of Gin an' lobsters nevva materialised the followin' day so I should 'ave realised that 'ee was a lyin' tossa. Consequently, ova a period of abawt free monffs 'ee requestid 'Ruddles beer', Glenfackinfiddic whisky, Ecclesfackin' cakes, Uncle Joe's fackin' mint bawls an a fackin' Donkey Jackit'. I 'ad 'ad enuuff by then so I fort that I would stitch the cant up by chargin' 'im fifty squid foa the Donkey coat that I had purchased foa foa quid in the UK. But the canni baasturd didn't bite so I was left wiv a coarse, badly made, workies garment.
Wittle did I know 'ee was doin' the same scam wiv mi best mate American Looffa oo was awlso bringin' 'im stuff back from the States at the same time. In Particular Looffa brought 'im  a 'Levis' bib an' brace. William proudly wore it awl the time. This completid the image of 'im just lookin' like a fackin' in bred extra from 'Deliverance': diddy, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong ding. The name 'as stuck. Evri time we tawlk abawt 'im we refer to 'im as Billy Bob Pigfucker, becawse that's wot 'ee fackin' is.

Garlic Soop

Soop de Pistou.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                                Metric (foreign)

One large choppt onion                                          one large chopped onion

2 tablespoonz of virgin olive oil                            2x15ml of virgin olive oil

A pinch of Carmagese sawlt                                  a pinch of salt from the Carmargue

Moroccan black peppa                                           milled Moroccan black pepper

Two diced carrots                                                   2 diced carrots

The leef tops offava swiss chard                            the leaves from a spring cabbage

One young plump ‘ead of garlic                            one fresh bulb of garlic

Foa ounzes of flagelot beens                                  200grms of flagelot beans

Foa ounzes of fava beens                                       200grms of fava beans

Foa ounzes of red an’ white coco beens                200grms of white or red coco beans

Two pintz of wautta                                               1200ml of water

One yella French spud                                            a large Maris Piper potato

One large bunch of Basil from yoa gardin             a home-grown bunch of Basil

One ‘elfi ‘elpin’ of parsley, fresh                           a handful of fresh parsley         

                                                  

This originates from the saaf of Fraance and was given to me, amongst uvva fings, namely the clap, by Brigitte, a bird I know who lives daan there. One time she invited mi raand for dinner startin’ wiv the soop an’ finishin’ wiv dessert’ on the rug in front of the fire. Them French birds definitely no ‘ow to keep a geeza ‘appy.

This soop is really the frog version of a ‘arty winta broff utilisin’ vege from the gardin an’ a range of locally grown beens. But, just like the frogs do, there’s shit loads of garlic in it as well.   

In a laarge pan, chop one onion an’ sweat in two tablespoonz of best olive oil seasoned wiv a generous pinch of Camargese sawlt an’ Moroccan black peppa. I bet you fort I was goinna say Moroccan black, as in dope, but if you, wants you could crumble a bit in to give it a lift. Chop an’ dice two carrots, the tops of Swiss chard an’ add to the pan when the onion is braan. Select a nice, young, plump ‘ead of garlic peel an’ chop arf offavit. Bung in the garlic, foa ounzes of fava beans, foa ounzes of flagelot an’ foa ounzes of white an’ red coco beans togevver wiv two pintz of spring wautta. Bring to the boil and then simma foa fifteen minits. Dice one of them yella French spuds an’ add to mix. Finally, crush the rest of the garlic wiv sawlt an’arf ovva large bunch of basil to make a pesto which then must be stirred in vigorously. Abawt two minits befoa servin’ dress the soop wiv the remainin’ basil an’ a ‘elfi ‘elpin’ of fresh parsley.

I aint sure if this soop travels becawse I dished it up to my bird once an’ she nearly gipped. So there was no cake foa mi that night.

I gotta mate, part two

 

Mi 48 inch Plasma HD ready screens the same. I can stand in mi kitchen, knockin’ up a Thai, an still see the colour of ‘urr eyes as she goes daan on ‘im. I got everi pawn channel goin’, sports comin’ out o’ mi ears, everi movie that’s evva been made, animal shows where they kill an’ eat eachuvva, istri documenteriz wiv reel peepul smellin’ of shit an’ noos befoa its even ‘appened ; I got em all free from Sky. A mate o’ mine is the MD at Sky: ‘ee gave mi the total package, an’ the tele foa a bag a spuds. Earlia, I’d been to mi mate who owns Costco for some wine foa mi dinna. I parts wiv a pony for twelve bockles o’ the best. So mi an’ mi bird are secklin’ daan wiv the Thai an’ a 50 quid red, watchin’ Ingird an’ Kurt tanglin’ in the spar baff, an’ befoa we knows it we’re boaf naykid on mi hardwood flowa bangin’ away like monkeys in Africa. I didn’t even taste the fird bockle I was fackin’ elephants, but I do remember she was a crackin’ shag. You can’t beat good wine from a good mate. 

 ‘ee’s a proppa mate. Not like this facker oo’s tryin’ to do mi out of wot is mine. I breaks mi ankle on site, froo no fault o’ mi own. I could lose 200 laarge on lost contracts, 30 big ones froo loss of earnings an’ they’ve only offered 50 grand: I told ‘em straight, you must be jokin’, you must fink I’m a right mug, you cant. Anyway, mi lawyer, oo’s a mate o’mine, reckons I should ‘ang on for a ton because they were lax on safety an’ I got ‘em by the bollocks. He says it don’t matta that I was still pissed from the night befoa an’ tripped over mi own bag, they still gotta wedge up. Let’s all go daan the Strand, ave a banana, knees up mavva Brawn. Fackin’ cushty. 

Yeah, I got plenty o’ mates”.

Smoal rabbits wiv nuts

 

Conejitos Ajiami (wittle rabbits, cuy, wiv garlic an’ peenuts)

This Peruvian meel uses any edible rodent but it is excellent with guinea pig, the rabbit of the new world. You will need to start the dish a day earlier to allow time foa the meet to marinate.

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                                    Metric

Too paands of jointed mid sized rodent oa cuy         900grms of jointed rabbit

Too garlic cloves skinned can’ finely choppt            2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

Arf a pint of creem                                                    150ml of fresh cream

Too tablespoonz of crushed toasted peenuts             30/40grms of toasted peanuts

Sawlt an’ peppa                                                         salt and milled black pepper 

Foa the marinade

One teespoon of dried chilli                                      5grms of dried chilli

Too tablespoonz of oil                                              30ml of olive oil

Too tablespoonz of white wine vinnigga                  30ml of white wine vinegar

One teaspoon of ‘Achiote’                                        5grms of ‘achiote’

‘Achiote’ (annatto, racou, West Indies, uruca, Brasil)

This is collective noun applied to awl the berries of a smoall tree, originally gathered by the Brazilian natives of the Amazonian rainforests who used the red juice to decorate their bodies. When the Africans arrived they faand a new use foa the dye. Missin’ the flavvas an’ colours of home they used the berries to give ordinary oil the same colour as their beloved ‘dende’ oa palm tree oil.

When fresh the berries are a bright brick red with a light rose petal fragrance. As the seeds age they turn braan an’ lose some of their odour. They can be simply used as a colourant which is popular in Brasil, Chile an’ the Caribbean where the seeds which are ‘ard an’ not very palatable are infused in oil an then strained out.                                                        

Enuff of the lecture this is ‘ow to cook the ‘conejitos’. Joint the meet into bite size pieces. Turn the rabbit in the marinade, covva an’ leave ovanight. The followin’ day strain an’ pat dry the pieces. Grill oa barbeque foa five minits per side to keep the meet rare. To roast, place in a pre-‘eatid oven of 200C foa fifteen to twenty minits, then rest in the oven foa a furvva fifteen minits.

Bubble up the remain’ marinade wiv the creem to make the sawse. Poa ova the rested rabbit an’ serve wiv a sprinlin’ of peenuts. Easy to make an’ so so tasty.

Precious fings

What do you most dislike about your appearance? Becawse I enjoys myself awl of the time wiv booze an’ grub I’ve developed a bit of a kench. Its not like I’ve swallowed a beach bawl oa anyfin’ but the old love cushion is swellin’. In the Middle East it’s a sign of prosperity an’ wealf but in England it still seen ‘as the stigma of bein’ a fat bastard.

What do you never leave home without? I nevva leave ‘ome wivawt an extra pair of underpants. You nevva no when you are goina get lucky wiv the ladies cawse its smart to be able to change arfta a ‘ectic session. You got double insurance aswell, if the night befoa you ‘ad a dodgy Ruby there’s awlways the orfchaance that you may follow froo if you ‘appins to sneeze oa fart oa somefink.

Last Purchase. Durin’ a recent visit to Gods country I was walkin’ daan the King’s Road when I spots this gorgeous Victor an’ Rolf gold jacket, so I ‘ad to ‘ave it. It’s got a look of ‘stage ware’ but I can carry it off. Mind you I wouldn’t go daan to the Dog an’ Trumpit wearin’ it.  

Oldest item in the wardrobe. I have kept my favrit ‘Cacharel’ shirt from the seventies, it’s a bit fredbare but it ‘as become a symbol of my success. It was the first very expensive bit of smutta that I could afford. I bought it arfta I did mi first ceilin’ job foa Frank Lampard senior. He gave mi too grand foa two days work becawse I’d done such a wonderful job an’ ‘ee fort that I was the best mate anybody could ‘ave. Consequence is, Frank ‘as given me seasonal box seats, worf abawt too an’a arf grand, foa daan at the ‘Bridge’ evri year. I doesn’t go though becawse I’m Spurs froo an’froo. “Come on you Lillywhites!” 

Pets. I awlways consider mi ‘posse’ of Tie chicks as mi pets. They’re a cross between mi family an’ cuddly toys. They enjoy a bit of stroking, wear ‘ardly any cloves an’ could live offava birdseed.

Rib tickler

Pee an’ ‘am soop

 

Ingredienz

Imperial (English)                                               Metric (foreign)  

One pack of dried pees                                         one pack of dried peas

One choppt carrot an’ one onion                          one chopped carrot and one onion

Two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil                        2x15ml sunflower oil

Grownd black peppa                                             milled black pepper

Two pintz of ‘omemade pig stock                        1200ml of homemade ham stock

One diced potata                                                   on diced potato

Two ‘andfulls of boilt ‘am, norvern shank           400grms of boiled ham shank

This is one occasion when you can use dried stuff becawse its proppa. In uvva words, dried pees which ‘ave been soaked ovanight. Anuvva vitul ingredient is yoa stock, which I shall explain ‘ow to make, below.

‘Am stock

If you’ve gotta a mate, like mi, who rears ‘is own pigs yoa laaffin’. ‘Jonnty the Pig’ ‘as got the best Glostta Spotz in norf Landan. Everi time ‘ee slawters one ‘ee sends mi a leg which I makes awlsortz outta, especially lovely stock. Once the leg ‘as been soaked an’ boiled I places the wautta in anuvva pan wiv, one onion, roughly choppt carrot, celry stick, bay leef an’ a bag of mixed ‘erbs; its proppa name is a bouquet garni, but you won’t know that becawse you’re a fick cant. All of this is boiled an’ reduced by arf. Frow away the vege bits an’ stoa yoa stock. Unfortunately, the best ‘am foa the soop is found on the shank of the pig, but we can’t get ‘am oa bacon shanks in Landan, so the onli way is to come norf an’ visit a ‘erbert butcher. Buy enuff that you can freeze so you don’t ‘ave to come norf too often. Mi mates who follas the ‘Spurs’ come norf when they are playin’ Wigan Affletic oa Liverpool so I tells them to stock up. They might as well go back wiv somefin’, becawse they’ll get battered at the football, unless they is palyin’ Man ‘U’, Man City oa Everton.

In a laarge pan sweat off a choppt onion, carrot an’ the soaked pees in two tablespoonz of sun flowa oil an’ grownd black peppa. Keep stirrin’ until the oil covers all the ingredientz. Add two pintz of ‘omemade stock an’ simma foa firty minits. Bung in one large diced potata foa a furvva 15 minits. Finally, drop in two ‘andfuls of torn ‘am from the shank an’ a ‘elfi portion of choppt fresh parsley. Sawlt to taste. But,

if, like mi, you’ve made enuff to laast a few days an’ becawse it becomes so fick by the fird day, there are awlsortz of applications foa the soop.

·Put a dollop in the bottom of a bowl an’ drop in an ‘ot Edwardses meat pie. Liberally sprinkul wiv vinegar an’ black peppa. Burst the pie an’ let awl the juices come awt. Fawk in some sliced picked onions an’ off you goes. Unbeetable.

·Buy a laarge barm cake: that’s a big soft bun abawt 6 inches across that norveners enjoy, an’ cut it in arf. Butta boaf sides wiv the pee soop an’ sandwich an’ ‘ollands meet an’ potata pie in between the 2 bits. Fackin’ beltin’.

·Usin’ left ova chips from the night befoa, that’s particularly ‘ard an’ crisp, dilute some of yoa soop an’ drop ‘em in. Apply plenty of vinegar an’ sawlt an’ then make up some butties wiv fick bread. Onli the best.

·When its really fick I uses it on the job to plaster up some cracks, its betta than polyfilla. Just remove an’ eat the ‘am.

Far eastern bread delights

Naan oa Leavened bread (Malaysia)

This traditionally baked plastered to the side of a clay ‘tandoor’ oven deftli peeled off when done. But you awlso can cook naan at ‘ome in a fryin’ pan. This recipe makes approximately eight to ten portions.

 

Ingredienz

Imperial                                                         Metric

Nine ounzes of plain flowa                             450grms of plain flour

Eight fluid ounzes of wautta                           200ml of water

One teespoon of white wine vinnigga            5ml of white wine vinegar

Too fluid ounzes of full creem milk               50ml of full cream milk

One teespoon of shugga                                  5grms of sugar

One an’ a arf teespoonz of yeast granules       7.5grms of instant yeast granules

One teespoon of sawlt                                     5gms of salt

Stir the vinnigga into the milk and set to one side until the mixture fickens and curdles, foa foateen minits. Dissolve the shugga in foa fluid ounzes of wautta an’ sprinkul in the yeast. Set aside foa foateen minits to frof up.

Place the flowa an’ sawlt in a laarge bowl an’ ‘ollow out a well in the centre. Add the yeast liquid, soured milk an’ the rest of the wautta, mix togevva wiv cold ‘ands to obtain a soft dough. If the soft dough is too sticky add anuvva spoon of flowa. Knead the dough on lightly flowered surface until smoove an’ elastic, foa ten oa twelve minits. Place the dough in a greased bowl, covva wiv a damp cloff set aside foa one ‘our until it doubles in size.

Knead the dough again foa ten minits, roll into a long cylinda shape an’ divide into eight pieces. Roll each piece into a bawl an’ set aside foa firty minits to rise again so they become light to the touch.

Dust a cold surface an’ flatten the bawls wiv yoa fingas. They should be about a quawtta of an inch fick, covva an’ allow to rise again.

In a ‘eavy based griddle oa pan preferably wiv a lid, wiv no oil oa wautta an’ ungreased place each naan foa too minits each side, covverin’ each time wiv the lid. If not eatin’ immediately the naan can be cooled on a wire tray an’ stored in a polyfeen bag foa too days in the fridge an’ up to too weeks in the frezza. To reheat sprinkul lightly wiv wautta an cook foa one to too minits on each side in the fryin’ pan.