Collioure Sardines

 

Eddie leaves Tom and Greta for the sanctity of the SW coast oa West Med, as we say in the trade. His favrit place is the smaall coastal village of Collioure near Perpignon. There is onli one road in an' one out which makes it a nightmare in the height of season: but Eddie's trick is travel daan to the village at night when awl of the tourists have left the resort  returnin' to their 'Eurocamp' tents oa 'mobile homes' dependin' on how well fixed they are. Originally, the fishing village actually functioned but now there onli a few boats that venture out in search of sardine, shrimp, an' oddli enuff, 'crabs'. Each cottage has been painted a different quite vivid colour; this was to enable the fishermen to recognise their own place whilst being miles out at sea, by way of comfort an' a feelin' of security. Eddie was awlso told that the fisherman used to wear heavy, fick sweaters, not just against cold winter winds but becawse if they were swept ova board they would sink like a stone hastenin' their 'orrible drowin' deff. Gruesome oa wot?
Setting up by the harbour near the uvva smaall fishermen's vans Eddie would be camouflaged from pryin' traffic bobbies who were constantly 'movin' on cheeky tourists. He was awlso able to liberate the odd bag of sardines oa prawns oa anyfink that was offered by the generous local fishermen.

Simple Sardines
Roughly gut the fish an' skewer on thin driftwood sticks: the wood renders that extra bit of natural sea flavour that makes awl the difference. Rummage around the numerous, abandoned barbeque piles that have been left by wasteful tourists securin' sufficient fuel. Supplement the coals wiv some moa driftwood an' dried seaweed. Gentli cook the fish ova the wonderfully fragrant heat. Devour the spoils as the sunsets ova the harbour wiv several gaasses of dry white. It doesn't get much betta than that.

Sete and Cap d'Adge

 

Afta stickin' Ramunia on a flight back to Liverpool Eddie trundles daan the autoroute de Soleil using the free section around Nimes to Monpellier. Tying into the coast road east of Aigue Mortes by lunchtime he is approachin' familiar landscape near Sete. He has old friends, Tom an' Greta, who usually stay on the Canal du Midi for most of the year. They are a right queer couple; a mild functioning English drunkard with his butch brutal wife. Only last year she routinely hospitilized, the poor bugga, by breakin a few ribs an' damagin' his spleen. It takes awl sorts, some blokes seem to serve their penance by bein' beaten up by their loved ones.
Eddie's welcome is awlays warm, although since the latest violent attack he tends not to turn his back on the gracious Greta. Consumin' only enuff wine to stay compass he treads careful, foa the few days that he can tolerate. Laast year he loaned one of his 'special' made up bikes to Greta who seems to have misplaced it. Eddie suspects that she has flogged it off probably foa booze oa drugs. He ain't daaft. There is one savin' grace about his mate Tom in that he used to be a Top chef until he succomed to the demon liquor: in his laast job he set fire to his own barnet scatterin' the kitchen staff from everi exit.
Tom's signature dish: Rouget avec sauce de beurre et Chilli.


Make sure the fish are fresh, check out the brightness of the eyes an' the stiffness of the body; the stiffer the betta, as I am regularly reminded. Usin onli the fillets put at one side an' prepare the sawse. Gentli fry some chopped shallots in a tablespoon of olive oil addin' some dried chilli flakes an' season until goldin' brown. Mix in a tablespoon of flour to form the roux, then add one cup of decent white wine: local Costierres de Nimes is ok, just. Secondly, add some single cream oa creme fraise dependin' on your diet. Finally stir in a good, warm, big, knob of butta to glaze.
Gentli sear the fish fillets in a buttered pan, skin daan foa free minits then turn foa a furvva one minit. Arrange neatly on a servin' plate an' dispense the sawse. Foa gawds sake rememba that Greta may be on the prowl foa sexual gratification, which is awlways best avoided, so stay alert.

Canal Hopping Hotpot

 

Eddie spends a great deal of time followin' the Canal routes of Fraance. Today we find him on the Canal du Midi visitin' a friend who has a berth in the marina at Beaucaire, locatid in the Du Gard region of southern Fraance.His mate left England 10 years ago wiv his wife who died suddenly leavin' him on his own wiv very little money an' no will to live. There is a local 'Brit' population but they are mainly 'arseholes' who have bailed out becawse the wine is cheaper daan here an' they can stay permanently pissed foa pennies. Some of them claim to be artists but couldn't paint a khasi wall, ovvas are writers who can't string too words togevva an' worst of awl, some profess to be builders who couldn't be trustid to build a decent 'shit' in the bog.
Anyway, Eddie enjoys the canals becawse he's got instant access to wawtta to wash an' clean himself an' his rig. it is awlso the basic ingredient of cookin'. Not that he uses canal wawtta: the amount of crap that is just frown ovwerboard you would not believe, as well as deisel an' the local garbage that peeple jeterson on a regular basis.  After a forage at 'Leader Price' Eddie has the ingredients foa his famous 'hotpot' which he usually makes on Monday so that it laasts him froo the week.
'Meet Hotpot'  
Chop an' gently fry free onions in a pan wiv a little olive oil an' bacon bits. Dice 500 grams of 'shin' beef into centimetre cubes an' seal. Add arf a pint of beef stock an' simma foa 60 minits. Cut five carrots into chunks, foa celery sticks into the same an' anuvva onion then add to the mix. Meanwhile, peel an chop a bag of spuds. Pour in anuuva arf pint of wawtta, not canal, wiv the arf the spuds foa firty minits then add the remainin' spuds. Gently simma until the meet an' spuds is fallin. Serve wiv bread; leave the rest of the 'otpot' foa the neaxt foa days; by Friday it will resemble dog vomit but it will still taste bootiful. Make sure Ramunia has had a good dippin in the wawtta befoa tacklin' it foa the night.

Tarascon Magret

This place, Tarascon, is probably the armpit of Provence. Originally famed for it's King Rene Chateau, the Cathedral of St. Martha, the Portal St. Jean, the magnificent 18th century  ornate Theatre and it's fortified walls; it has become a sad reflection of it's important past. Unfortunately the striking town houses have fallen into disrepair occupied by 'renters' living off benefits. Subsequently the town Hall cannot support the infrastructure so streets are dirty, civic buildings shabby, empty and closed. But, both Eddie and I have some good friends that still persevere to dwell therein. Amongst them are Fabrice and Papou who run the 'Theatre Bistro'. Fabrice is a very inventive chef, I can't remember the number of times that I have robbed his recipees.
One other curiosity that the town is famed for is the legend of the Tarasque, a fearsome river monster; a cross between a lion and a crocodile with a huge 'shelled' back. This creature would periodically emerge from the Rhone to devour local maidens (it's bloody well welcome to um if you ask me; the town must have the ugliest women in the whole of Fraance). It was daan to St. Martha to sooth the beast after which a crowd of yoofs stoned it to deff. Things haven't changed much, the local yoof still have violent moronic tendencies. To celebrate the event the town commissioned a local artist to sculpt a stone effigy of the Tarasque which they placed outside the Chateau to attract tourists.
Eddie decided to mark the event his way by super gluing a giant plaster 'dick and balls' on the top of it's head. This he achieved at midnight when the town was asleep. It took the local Gendarmerie 2 days to chisel it off. Result.
Fabrice's Magret du Canard.
Place the Magret skin daan in a frying pan on a very low heat foa 15 minits. Drain off the fat an' turn to flesh side foa 5 minits. Remove from the pan and slice. Very pink. Serve wiv a green salad. Simple but brilliant.

Vallebregues omelette

Just north of  Tarascon in the Bouches de Rhone region of Provence lies the small village of Vallebregues. This smaall village is actually in 'Du Gard' becawse in 1960 a huge barrage construction was built diverting the mighty Rhone thus cutting off the village. The main purpose of the barrage was to provide hydro-electrical power as well as controlling the flood waters of the lower Camargue estuary. Anyway enuff of the history lesson the reason that I mention this place is becawse Eddie has anuvva favrit site foa campin'. Just beyond the village there is a a natural lake surrounded by a picnic area. Edddie usually pitches his  rig on the fringes of the site to avoid the curious enquiries of the local 'ner do wells'. During the day Ramunia enjoys swimming in the polluted, stagnant puddle whilst Eddie forages in the nearby woods foa mushrooms an' berries. Anuvva interestin aspect occurs around 5.30 every evening when the 'french forestry commision' water carriers swoop down to scoop the river filling their tanks for the following morning surveillance. These are ancient, bright yellow and red aircraft that are continually airborne vigilantly searching throughout the Summer months for bush fires. They rapidly drop from the heavans to within 2 metres above the water lowering a huge hose which sucks up the water, after which they ascend back to the vivid blue sky.
Eddies basket, by early evening, is bulging with fungi from the woods that surround the village; he has also secured a bag of peaches from the numerous orchards that are bountiful in the region. These ingredienz become the staples of the evening meal.


Mushroom Omelette followed by peaches an' custard.
Beat up foa eggs, wiv a little milk, in a cup an' season. Clean, cut an' prepare the fungi. If there is any concern regardin' the provenance of the mushrooms the local pharmacy will identify the wrong uns' so that you don't poison yourself to deff. Poa the egg mix into a heated greased fryin' pan, add the fungi arfta a minit oa two. Flip one arf ova the uvva an' turn. By now Ramunia has washed the peaches, cut them into quarters placin' them into Eddies only two bowls. Reachin' foa the 'Birds Custard' located in one of the storage compartments in the C15 she fondly reminds Eddie that this particular dessert awlways makes her frisky an' that he should prepare himself foa after dinner acrobatics. Eddies stirs the warm milk wiv added vigor befoa addin' the custard powda. Enjoy.

Pont du Gard Chicken

The Pont du Gard is one of these wonderful Roman miracles that has remained intact for centuries.actually the area has an abundance of Roman works from old roads to Coliseums: Arles and Nimes being magnificent in their own right, Glanumn at St.Remy de Provence is also quite breathtaking. Anyway, enuff fanny, Eddie visits the Pont du Gard on a regular basis as it provides washing facilities, namely the river. The water is perishin' but Eddie quite enjoys the freshness as it seems to emphasise his robust, conical 'bellend' that flourishes rather than shrinks given the extreme temperatures. He takes great pride swanking up and daan the crowded banks of the river proudly thrusting out his member.
There are not many pickins' to be found in the now very sanitised 'campus' so it is essential the supplies for tonight have been secured the previous evening. The 'Leader Price' at nearby Chateaurenard has been happy to provide sustenance by the bag load: they are awlways generous, gifting tasty goodies at the close of trading. Tonight it shall be 'chicken'.

Spicy Chicken in Tomato Sawse.


This meal consists of two arfs. Just like the Kaisers arse. 
The night befoa, In a smaall plastic bag, marinade the chicken thighs in a mixture of onion, garlic, one finely cut fresh chilli, lemon juice, thyme, bayleaf, sawlt, peppa, two tablespoonz of tomato puree, coriander, tumerick, sunflower oil, mustard seeds, fenugrek, an' two cardoman pods. Awl of these herbs an' spices can be located in nearby Beaucaire, from the vibrant Arab quawtta.
Use the marinade mixture as the basis of the sawse. In a hot pan reduce the mixture to intensify the flavours; then add sugar, wine vinegar plus moa heat in the way of chilli powder if you prefer, this is optional, whatevva suits. Mix one tin of chopped tomatoes plus one cup of chicken stock an' stir.
In a separate very hot pan seal the thighs until golden, then place them in the sawse. This must be simmered very slowly on a very low heat wiv the lid on the pan, foa at least one hour: it can be moa if you want the meat just to fall off the bone. I must say, and I 'ave discussed this wiv Eddie, that longa is betta becawse the sawse matures along with the chicken that still remains moist. 
There is noffink betta the a clean sweet smellin' Ramunia. Arfta a few dips in the Gard she is sweet as: bootiful.

Castillion du Gard Cassoulet

This one of Eddies favourit places. Just outside the walls of the town there is a smaall chapel that has now been abandoned. The access is via a one vehicle track that opens into an open wood lined space that the church occupies. Unfortunately, becawse of it's remoteness, it can be a meeting place for the yoof of the town; drinkin', smokin blow an' fornicatin'. But Eddie's presence does deter many usin' the site. Ollie adds her two penneth wiv a foaming mouth fashioned in the main by shaving cream, mangy tangled coat and a lame gait: manifestin' herself as a  rabid unsafe, unpredictable beast.
The spot has every facility; local 'portable' water, cultivated fields as well as, most dramatically, the 'Pont du Gard' one of the seven wonders of the Roman world.

Sausage an' Been Stew 
This originates from Carcassonne and usually contains duck legs, but Eddie can't stretch to that so this is his peasant version of the same meal. 
Lightly seal good pork Toulouse sausages, place to one side. Onions, garlic, carrots, celery should then be chopped then gently sweatid in sunflower oil. Ensure that the dried Haricots, Bartolli and Canelloni beens have been well soaked overnight and simmered seperately foa 30 minits befoa addin' them to the mix. Tinned chopped Tomatoes are good enuff foa this dish and can be added along with mustard, a little fresh mountain thyme, a few chilli flakes, two tablespoonz of tomato puree, one cup of Merlot, plus one pint of stock. Brew this lot up foa 45 minits befoa addin' the sausages. Serve wiv crusty bread